I sat thinking for hours. What should I do? I’m Jedi so I can fight but I knew Godfrey would be showing his skills and two of us doing that wouldn’t work. Besides, I don’t need to ‘show off’ my skills to amuse anyone.
I had a few ideas. One being that I could don my Slave Girl outfit from when I was Jaba’s slave for a week and do my Slave Girl dance. (Shameless Self Promotion: see up coming blog entries for this story!) But that was a nightmare. I hated that costume. I didn’t fit right and if you bent over to far, people could see to Hoth. So that was out.
“You could do something funny,” a little voice in my head told me.
“Like what? I’m not funny!” I said.
“Do a Yoda puppet act.”
“I don’t have a Yoda puppet.” An idea struck me. “Where’s my comm? I have an idea!”
So when I did walk out on the stage. I did have a Yoda puppet. I bowed to the queen and sat down, carefully arraigning the puppet on my lap.
“This Grand Master Yoda, the wisest of all the Jedi,” I said.
“Wisest and best looking of all the Jedi I am,” the puppet says.
“Now I wouldn’t say that, Yoda.”
His Glimmer stick tapped my knee. “Short and green I am. Make for a sexy man it does!”
“I think the Queen would like to hear some words of wisdom from you,” I said. “Why don’t you impress her with some of the things you teach us at the Jedi Temple.”
Yoda’ moves his head and looks at the queen. “A Cheeto you should never stick up your nose.”
“You would be referring to Master Obi-Wan.”
“Always with a Cheetos up his nose he is! Sneezes cheese dust everywhere bad for good relations with Wookies!”
“What about Wookies?” I asked.
“Shed on your couch they will. Clog up your Hover Vac it does, very messy. Groom your Wookie twice a week!”
“How about advice on teaching a Padawan?”
Yoda lifts his stick. “Beat them with a pickle.”
“A pickle, you must beat them with a pickle!”
I looked shocked. “My Master never beat me with a pickle!”
Yoda looks at me. “You see how you turned out.” He whips out a large dill pickle and starts hitting my head. “Not beat enough you were! Running off with Darth Vader! A bigger pickle I should beat you with!”
“I didn’t run off with Vader- “
Whap! Whap! Whap! “Force Wedgies you should have. Twice a day.”
With one hand I took the pickle from him and smiled embarrassedly at the Queen. “I don’t think our Queen wants to see you hitting me with a pickle, Master Yoda.”
Yoda sighs. “When 900 years old you reach, handle your beer better you can,” he says.
“Why do you say that, Master?”
“Find Skywalker knocked out on the roof I do. Hold his liquor he can, but hold himself he cannot. The Chosen One cannot walk with beer in him! Or ale, wine, or water for that matter.”
“Bloats him it does.”
“And Mace Windu, shaves his head with a mini lightsaber,” he spat.
“I didn’t- “
“And Chancellor Palpatine has a gerbil up his-“
I slapped a hand over his mouth. “Okay, that enough of that.”
“Chimney,” Yoda shoved my hand off and said.
“I was going to say, up his chimney. What you think I meant to say?” His eyes widened. “Pervert you are!” Out comes a larger pickle and the head bashing begins again.
I stood up. “If you’ll excuse me, my Lady, it’s time for Master Yoda’s Jello bath.”
“Better be green Jello or very upset I will!” Yoda snaps off. “With strawberries and whipped cream!”
I bowed and Yoda in my arms bowed. I left the stage, but I looked back and the Queen was laughing as was everyone else. I looked at Godfrey, who looked as if he was about to pee his pants.
Back stage, I sat the Yoda puppet down and looked around. There was no one around us. Suddenly Yoda looks up at me.
“Owe me you do for this!” he said jumping down. “A good puppet I am not!”
I nodded. “I know. Thank you, Master, for your help.”
Yoda leaned on his stick. “Send those pictures of me and Mrs. Dolly Parton to the Temple you will. Negatives, too.”
“Yes, Master, I will.”
He hobbles to the backdoor where outside a ship is waiting for him, turns at the door and stares back at me. I waited to see what he was going to say.
“May the dill pickle be with you,” he muttered and Force tossed a pickle that slapped me between the eyes.
I heard him muttering as he got on the ship, “Stupid Monkeyboys! Nanners! Need a good pickle they do!”
Sigh. I hate to give up those pics but oh well.
I have to shower once again. I smell like Yoda and old pickles.