I was expecting something like a wall and a rope swing. You know like on Stripes, with Bill Murray and me playing one of the cute soldier chicks. That Bill Murray is a rouge.
But what I got was so not that. I get to the first obstacle and its a pool of Jello. I go to step through it without getting any Jello on me when I'm shot at. I hit the squishy lime flavoured deck. My outfit is ruined and there's Jello in my hair and up my nose. I go to get up but the sadistic gunman fires again. So its back into the Jello. Then I hear the sadist.
"Crawl like the worm you are girl!" shouts the voice.
I'm sticky confused and covered in lime green lumps of Jello. So I crawl to the end of the pool.
You know Jon your paying the dry cleaning bill.
I get to the end and I get a look at the sadist.
"Sam Jackson!" I exclaim.
"Yes I'm Samuel L. Jackson. And girl your cute ass better start running or its gonna get a cap in it." He threatens.
Oh well at least I got to meet Sam Jackson.
Bewildered and slightly scared that Sam just might 'pop a cap in my cute caboose' (try saying that five times fast) I fell into the next obstacle.
It was a pit, a very big dark dank pit. With skulls of various animals and aliens.
"Grrrraaaoowlll!" roared something in the darkness. And then it stepped out of the darkness.
"Oh dear!" I exclaimed. "Its not possible that your allergic to lime jello are you?"
The beast lunged swiping me with its claws. It was quite obvious that it wasn't allergic to lime jello. I dodged the attack. However my outfit didn't fare as well as me.
"Hey! I spent hours putting this together." I shouted back. The beast didn't listen and went to slash me again. I blocked the attack. He leaned down to take a bite out of me and I punched him. He went down like Paris Hilton.
"Thats what happens when you ruin my outfit. Bitch!" I yelled at the unconscious beast.
I make my way quickly around the beast and I can see a door. I open it and walk in.
"Lin your just in time." says a guy in speedos."Your next obstacle is to perform the following Yoga positions."
He shows me the first one.
"Excuse me!" I interrupt. "I've just had to crawl through a pool of Jello while being shot at. Then I had to fight a beast from I don't know where. And now you want me to do yoga?" It was all a bit too hard to take in.
"Its all part of a Colonial Marines training Lin." smiled the instructor genuinely.
"Well ok." I relent. "If its part of the course then I guess I have to."
I get into the position and the guy gooses me. I fall over.
"Did you just pinch me on the bottom?" I ask in disbelief.
"I am sorry I couldn't resist. Forgive me." He says smiling that genuine smile again.
Thats it. I can stand any more of this. No more Miss nice Lin.
"I forgive you but can you forgive me." I say. I grab him and put him into a position more acceptable.
"No no no..." his screams are muffled by his own anus.
Of course the slide and the slime were to come and I loathed the fact that again I was going to have to writhe around in a pile of something green. I was thinking about what I could do to avoid this. In the end I realised I just had to do it.
I'm going to have a bath for a week. By then I should be calm and clean enough to deal with you all.
Love my bath.