Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Cake, Ladies Undergarments, & Bald Guys…It wasn’t my fault!

After receiving the latest challenge, the remaining members of the Pokemybootie team had a brief meeting. We discussed our talents and how we wanted to use them in our variety act. I was so relieved to find out our latest challenge was so easy, I didn’t even object to Professor Hot Wheels when he suggested I deliver a monologue. (It’s about time he acknowledged by excellent oratory skills.)

As everyone filed out of the meeting, I decided to modify my victory speech to Congress and use it as my monologue. I'll start with my victory speech. It’s brief, it’s poignant, and it accentuates my exceptional leadership qualities. In fact, it is too short. I think I will throw in a few lines from Hamlet in order to demonstrate my flexibility as an orator. Beat that, Hot Wheels. By the time I pulled my monologue together, Godfrey was already on stage. I was grateful for the extra time because I had to send a messenger to pick up a proper suit for me to wear. (A side-effect of the necromancer being in close proximity is my new found corporal body, and this happened just as I was getting used to my ghostly body.)

…Anyway, while waiting for my suit, I decided to practice my monologue. (Ummm, Clears Throat. Ummm) "A landslide! That's what they called it! During my campaign I spoke a lot about family. My mother is here tonight, my wife, and the boys. I'm sorry my brother can't be with us. But I know Peter cares about this city more than…" (Breaking off my rehearsal…) I called out, “Hey! You there…Is that my suit?”

Delivery Guy: “Are you Nathan Petrelli?”

(Laying down my speech…)

“Yes. Congressman Nathan Petrelli.”

Delivery Guy: “Well this is for you.”

I took the suit from him and went directly to the dressing room. I knew Godfrey would be a while, so I jumped into the shower. When I came out, my old clothes were gone and so was my bag. On the bed, I found a box and a note which read, “I believe this will be complimentary to your character.” The note was unsigned, but when I opened the box, I knew that bald #@%# had struck again. As those of you who were in the audience may have guessed, in the box, was a negligee. At this point, there was only one thing I could think of doing.

I screamed, “D@#% you, HOT WHEELS!!!”

My outburst didn’t make me feel better; and it didn’t change my predicament. I had no choice but to put on the negligee. My only other option was to go naked and with an underage girl roaming about, that was not going to happen. After putting on the negligee, I attempted to make sure all the major areas were covered. I then slipped on the matching stilettos, and wobbled out into the hall. I must have fallen over twelve times before making it back to the table where I laid my speech.

Clutching the speech in my hand, I went to the edge of the stage and peeked out into the crowd. Godfrey was still knocking it out to the cheap seats, so I hobbled to the hair and make-up chair and told the stylist to give me a quick trim before I had to go on stage. He grumbled something under his breath, and then offered to give me a wash, rinse, and a shave…Well; I thought that was nice of him. I hoped he wasn’t getting the wrong idea because of the negligee…….To make a long story somewhat less long, I dosed off while the stylist was washing my hair.

When I woke up, the stylist was shoving the speech into my hand and telling me the Queen was waiting, so I hobbled/ran to the side entrance and bumped into…Professor Hot Wheels.

Hot Wheels: “Not that way old boy. You have to make your entrance through the trap door under the stage. The affect is quite splendid.”

Me: “Like I would believe you.”

Hot Wheels: “Well you can always try walking across the slippery stage in your lady shoes.”

Me: “Blast you again, Hot Wheels!”

As I made my way under the stage and began climbing the steps that led to center stage, I thought to myself, “Boy, there sure are a lot of steps here, and why do I smell cake?”

When I got to the last step, I pushed up on the stage door; but it wouldn’t budge. (I hoped nothing was on top of it.) I stuck the paper with my speech on it in my mouth, and used both hands to push up on the stage door. This time, the door gave way and I toppled over the edge of the…CAKE?!

OH…MY…GAWD!!! Hot Wheels tricked me into popping out of a cake…while wearing a negligee…in front of Queen Galacta!! I searched the through the crowd of performers at the side of the stage and made eye contact with…HIM. Can you believe he had the nerve to feign surprise?

It was then that I noticed my reflection in a mirror set up on the stage… OH…MY…GAWD!!! What did that stylist do to me?

The room was dead silent. I looked toward the side of the stage again and saw Dark Jedi motioning toward my mouth. Oh yes, my speech! There wasn’t much I could do, so I pulled the paper from my mouth, cleared my throat, and looked down at the piece of paper that turned out to be the last nail in my proverbial coffin.

With a huge sigh, I began to read/sing the monologue Hot Wheels had substituted in place of my real speech…

“It’s astounding…Time is fleeting…Madness takes its toll, but listen closely. (Not for very much longer.) I’ve got to… keep control. I remember doing the time warp. Drinking those moments with the black liquid in me and the voice would be calling…Let’s do the time warp again…Let’s do the time warp again…

It’s just a jump to the left.
(And then a jump to the ri—ght.)
Put your hands on your hips.
(And put your feet insi—de.)”

(SIGH) Unfortunately, since I didn’t have any back up singers, I didn’t sound even this good.

Finally, the most humiliating night of my life came to an end. I looked toward Queen Galacta. The expression on her face was familiar. I had seen it somewhere before… Oh yeah…I know where I saw it.

What a disaster! How can I hope to smooth this over? I can’t even flirt with the judge because she is underage.

“HOT WHEELS!! Vengeance will be mine!!”

Judge O’Ciardha, please don’t send me to Hell. It wasn’t my fault. I swear. (Sniff, Sniff)


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hey I love doing the Time Warp as much as anyone else.

I'm just not so sure why Professor X would trick his own teammate.

I guess maybe if his teammate was a little too snooty and needed to be taken down a peg or two...

That would kind of make sabotage your team's chances of winning, though.

Or as Captain Kirk calls it, sabotage.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

I do the Time Warp all the time. No pun.

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

I have been trained to use my own perception to determine right and wrong. Coming out of the cake, wearing lingerie, with lipstick, heels, in front of a sixteen-year old... That's wrong, and a fine of at least $10,000.

Thinking that would amuse the Queen of the galaxy, probably wrong. Bail, $4,350 dollars.

Knowing that the little goth-necromancer-girl would find you singing the Time Warp, amusing. Priceless.

There are some things money can bail you out of, for everything else, there are better shades of lipstick. Try black.

By the way, I didn't notice any errors in your post. Don't think I won't go and check.

Erifia's Author said...

I once had to dress up as Morticia Adams. It was hard to do with a afro, but I got it done. My Gomez was my friend Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim. Good times, good times.

Great post Petrelli.

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Jon, I don't think i'm snooty. I'm just superior in looks and leadership abilities. I can hardly help that...I only wish I had proof it was the Prof.

Dark Jedi, ;o)

Judge O'ciardha, I'm rich so I can afford the fine, but I have deep feelings of remorse for exposing you to anything inappropriate. I have a daughter your age, so I'm sensitive to these things.

Erifa's Auth., I think I would have prefered Morticia, at least then I wouldn't have been in 'just' ladies undergarments.

Vegeta said...

you look perfectly horrible. good thing my wife wasn't going to vote for you anyway. I'm not an american citizen so I don't care either way.

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Vegeta, It wasn't my brightest moment that is for sure.

I did win by a landslide in my campaign for congress. Perahaps, your wife voted for me and didn't tell you???

Professor Xavier said...


Simon said...

Not to put a damper on your hopes for future elected office, but when those pictures of you in your natural state get out, the only place you have a chance of winning will be for local Rep in Greenwich Village.

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Vengence...Hot Wheels...vengence.