Jon: We have another emergency situation, contestants. I know it’s unbelievable, but it’s true. There was a transporter malfunction at the Monkeyboy Embassy on Fire Island M (the M stands for Monkeyboy)!
Synth-Lyn: who would give monkeyboys a transporter?
Jon: I have no idea, but what is important is that monkeyboys are being replicated all across the island! More and more are coming through by the second and the whole island will soon be choked by an insane amount of these bizarre anthropomorphic unfunny creatures.
Mr. Bennet: So that’s not a big deal, right? They’ll just fill up that one island.
Henchman (smacking fist): I hope they all drown like stupid lemmings.
Dark Jedi Kriss: Yes, but they don’t deserve to die. They’re kind of cute.
Henchman: What? You think monkeyboys are cute?
Dark Jedi Kriss: Ew no way, I was talking about the lemmings.
Gyrobo: I once had a monkeyboy. No wait, it was a toaster. It caught fire after I tried to toast rice cakes in it. Barry Goldwater was pissed.
Nathan Petrelli: We may have to just cut our losses and nuke the whole site from orbit.
Professor Xavier: While normally I don’t approve the notion of excess violence, I would have to concur that nuking a horde of monkeyboys would indeed be for the greater good.
Mr. Bennet: I’ll pull the trigger. One time at the paper mill, I had to shoot my boss right in the hea—er, once I shot him a memo. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Jon: No, no, even though nuking them from orbit does sound like a great idea, there’s no guarantee that the explosion would shut down the teleporter. If this calamity continues, the monkeyboys would soon overrun the planet. They’ll eat all the banana and banana-flavored foods, throw mud at everyone, and just generally stink up the whole place until it’s completely uninhabitable. We need you contestants to go in there and press the recall button on the transporter to send them all back.
The monkeyboys apparently are being synthesized by the transporter, so they’re not being teleported in from anywhere and whether or not they are actually “alive” is something for the philosophers to debate. What’s most important is that they’re sent back through the machine into the nothingness from which they came before they become a terrible burden on this galaxy.
Henchman (cocking an automatic rifle): Oh yeah, time for me to shine.
Godfrey Zebulon: You’re not going to shoot them all are you?
Henchman: Only the ones who get in my way. Or the ones trying to get out of my way.
Dark Jedi Kriss: Maybe we could just take control of their minds and get them back in the machine.
Jon: Ah, that probably won’t work too well. Monkeyboys seem to be incredibly resistant to mind control, as the Professor could attest.
Professor X: It’s like trying to scoop a handful of water out of an empty bucket.
Jon: Another thing that I must warn you about the monkeyboys is their incredible unpredictability. They have some sort of morphic ability, a horrifically juvenile mindset and a terrifying penchant for wacky physical humor. Gladiators, proceed with caution. You have the marine dropships and hovercycles at your disposal; use any powers or abilities that you have if you can.
Gyrobo: Non sequitur!
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2 comments:
The eerie part is that Barry Goldwater died just days after I first heard of him.
And with his last breath he cursed me.
Now that is spooky.
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