Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Dragons, chihuahuas, and armadillos -- oh my!

In Russian, we have a word specifically for eating Twinkies. It's called regroup. So when I said we needed to regroup, what I was really saying was that we needed to eat Twinkies -- because Twinkies, like cockroaches, will save the world (or was it that they'll be the only two things existing after things to nuclear? Whatever.)

"Spank me!" exclaimed Nathan, jumping up and down in his pretty little robot mansuit, humping a nearby building. "This would be more fun if I wasn't stuck in this suit. I hope the tabloids don't get any pictures of this. It might affect my place in the polls, and more importantly might make the women in my life think that I only have one thing on my mind."

"I'm the one in charge of the spankings here." Professor Xavier calmly responded, doing his best to keep his mansuit-thingie under control. He didn't seem to have the same problem as Nathan, probably because buildings have no use for mind control.

"I can't focus because my scythe won't fit in this thing -- WHY IS OBI-WAN HOLDING ME BACK?!" Godfrey cried, oddly reminding me of someone's wangsty brother. "Why am I even mentioning him? He's not my master."

"Obi-Wan is a weenie." DJK sounded uncomfortable. "This spandex itches and my bot-suit smells like Nathan. I feel nauseous. Where's the airlock in this thing?" she paused. "Can someone get me out of these pants?"

"I'm very adept at getting into people's pants. And just to let you know, I don't smell bad. I smell like a mixture of roses, cologne, old socks, and week old pizza. My dear mother told me so." Nathan continued to have trouble bringing his dog-in-heat robot under control.

"Now, now, children, it's not the time to be petty. Leave the insults and condescension up to me. I've had years of experience with it." Professor Xavier cleared his throat. "Nathan, stop humping the building."

There was a long, pregnant pause as everyone started to turn their robots towards me. Why, oh WHY did I have to get stuck with the purple armadillo suit? No one takes armadillos seriously!

"Aren't you going to say something? Words of wisdom? Advice? Give me a biscuit?" I could tell it was DJK. She sidled up to Nathan and gave his Man-Hobot a swift kick in the rear, knocking him away from the building.

"OW! Hey -- I wasn't finished with that building yet! Couldn't you see that it was very clearly attracted to me? I was just getting ready to ask it to dinner with my wife, I swear." Awww. Poor Nathan.

I continued to watch as the robots in front of us started to converge into one being.

"Wait, wait! I have an idea! We need to regroup!" I started to say, as my mind began to fully comprehend the great spiritual power exerted by Twinkies. Why did I trade in my buxom bikini for a tight neon purple spandex suit? I could have gotten a Twinkie costume. I coulda been a contendah! But I had more important battles to fight, and I had to keep my mind in the game. "Look at the mob! It's turning into one being and combining its powers for a single purpose! We should learn from our common foe, combine our powers, and do just the same! Put aside our petty differences. Dark side, light side, mind-altering control freak--"

"I resemble that comment!" Xavier thought in my head.

"--philandering flying man. We have a common goal here. A purpose. We must make like the dyslexics of the world an untie! Start a robotic revolution! Rise up against our oppressors!"

"DEATH TO THE IMPERIAL FORCES!" Godfrey chanted, waving his scythe in the air.

"This is madness!" Nathan started swinging his Balgeth sword around, cleaving buildings in two. I was impressed with how well he was able to handle a sword much larger than he was; even through a Man-Hobot suit. It kind of made me wonder if he was compensating for something. Hmmm.

"I really hope we don't have to do something lame like put on rings and channel Captain Planet. But for what it's worth," DJK's machine raised her light saber into the air, "FOR THE DARK SIDE! I feel like smashing something."

From his robot man-suit, Professor Xavier raised his hand into the air next to DJK's lightsaber (which really looked like a toothpick in the clutches of her bot-suit -- it was pretty funny, actually. Reminded me of how I look when I hold a butter knife). Okay, so Xavier's robot only raised a finger. I won't say which one it was, but I'm pretty sure he was raising it to Nathan, since Nathan's Man-Hobot thing was winking and making kissy faces at him.

Godfrey raised his scythe next to Professor Xavier and began to undergo a transformation, the likes of which I've never seen since I lost five whole pounds on Weight Watchers (it was all water weight, but it was still weight!) Great wings sprouted from his back and he turned into...

A force to be reckoned with!

My neon purple armadillo-bot raised its weapon of choice -- a Godzilla-sized Maglite -- into the air.

"DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT, CAROL-ANNE!" I bellowed in my best imitation of Zelda Rubenstein. It might not have been much of a battle cry, but are you going to argue with the words coming out a ginormous neon purple armadillo? I don't think so.

"We can defeat this thing with my good looks alone. Let's combine our powers over dinner."

"Nathan, please make your chihuahua-bot thing stop humping my leg. We have evil to defeat here."

And so, we regrouped (without eating Twinkies) to defeat the Ultimate Evil. Dragons, chihuahuas, and armadillos. Oh my.


Godfrey Zebulon said...

LOl great post! , though I'm not that cartoony looking usually but you get the general point.. I seriously should explain the whole warrior animal thing at some point..

Professor Xavier said...

Man-hobot. So very, very appropriate.

Henchman432 said...

Darn, that wasn't so bad.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Did I say obi-wan was weenie? LOL I don't remember that. Oopps, I'm going hear it now...

Skywalker said...

I soooooooo telling Obi-Wan.

Nathan Petrelli said...

You're very funny my chubby love muffing...but...

"It kind of made me wonder if he was compensating for something. Hmmm."

So what are you trying to say?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

How many buildings did you guys smash? Aw geez, the insurance rates at Hacknor City are going up again.

Anonymous said...

Professor, since I knew I couldn't get away with insulting your Man-Hobot without getting a telekinetic pinch to the rear, I had to insult Nathan instead.

Godfrey -- at least you got stuck with the dragon. I got the armadillo, and Nathan got the weird chihuahua thing. I'm not sure what animal it was that DJK had. Frelling armadillos.

Nathan -- I'm talking about compensating for your lack of Twinkies.

~ Lana

Professor Xavier said...

Master Yoda did teach me about the Force Wedgie. I call mine the Psionic Wedgie, though. When done right it produces the most satisfying blood curdling shrieks.

Right, Nathan?

Erifia Apoc said...

Armadillo... Cute, and effective, defensively.

Good post. Funny. I like the use of the term, "Pregnant Pause."

Anonymous said...

You take your mind-hands off my Twinkie-Boy, you meanie!

~ Lana

Nathan Petrelli said...

I knew that was you Hot Wheels. I think I need this Wedgie to be surgically removed.

Svet: Can I interest you in playing Dr.?

Simon said...

I think I've found the rather obvious and fatal flaw with your team. You totally lack any focus or coherence. Not to be rude but I wouldn't trust you to be able to break out of a wet paper bag.

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