Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Attention: I did find my shorts.

When Mr. Privates finished with his blah, blah, blah about Colonial Marine crap, Jon said, “Get through the obstacle course any way you can.” I’m glad he said that. As I looked to the sidelines for my personal fitness trainer, I adjusted and tested my earpiece.

“Testing? Testing? Hello?”

“What are you doin’ CHUMP?! I pity the fool who dragged me out of bed to train for a game he didn’t even try to win!!”

With those encouraging words, I took off at a run. A few people were already ahead of me so I took an alternate path. The first obstacle I came across had a sign that read “YAK TRAP” I wondered aloud, “What’s a Yak Trap?”

Mr. T: “Now ain’t no time to ask questions chump. Pick up those knees. Faster Chump! Faster!”

Sprinting the remaining few feet, I ran into the trap; and to my absolute horror, I saw this man.

Click here for a glimpse of what I saw. Warning the following may make you violently ill. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x20v9F-sWHQ

After he finished, Hooked on a Feeling. He saw me and said, "You are just in time for my final number. I call it…Yakety yak (don't talk back).”

I released a blood curdling scream and picked up my knees so high, I almost broke my nose!

Well…After that harrowing experience, I didn’t want to take a chance with the tiger traps. So, I ran like I was running from an old mistress waving a pregnancy test. In fact, I ran through the traps so quickly, I didn’t realize until it was too late that I had ran directly into quicksand. Fortunately, I was able to use my powers and float out of it. On the down side, my ear piece was toast. I could still hear the stray shouts of “Chump! Fool! Choke you with my Chains!” I knew the earpiece was useless, so I just chucked it and ran toward the rapids.

I will not take a lot of time trying to explain the rapids…The short version. Yes. I fell in the water. It could happen to anyone. As a side note, did you guys know that rapids have such a strong current, that they can actually pull your clothes off? Anyway, I made it out of the rapids ok. The good news is it cleaned all the quicksand off of me; and I found my shorts. Well…Moving on…

The next obstacle was the swinging blades. The machine was built with a series of blades and then one swinging punching bag. I wished my earpiece was still working. I needed a strategy. The blades and bags appeared to be swinging to a one, two beat. (A rhythm if you will…) I know a lot about rhythm. The punching bags were also swinging out further than the blades. I decided I would count one-two, run past the blades, pause while the punching bags were swinging out for two beats and then run past the next set of blades. (Complicated. I know. Try living it.)

Anyway, my plan worked past the first punching bag and the first two sets of blades, but on the next punching bag, it was as if someone had grabbed and pushed the bag toward me. (SABATOGE! I knew Hot Wheels was behind this. He did it with that mind thing!)

The laughs on him though. I saw it coming so I jumped onto the bag when it swung toward me; and then the blasted thing started swinging faster and higher. D@#$ you Hot Wheels! At this point, I searched through the crowd. I needed help. I couldn’t just fly off the thing with blades swinging everywhere. Then I saw Mr. T. in the crowd. He had moved closer after my earpiece had went out. I opened my mouth to call for help but the only thing that came out was. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

As I swung toward Mr. T, I heard him ask, “What did you say chump?!”

I said, “AAAAAHHHHHH Aaaaaahhhhh……………………hhhhaaaaAAA AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

“Stop your whining Chump! What are you? Emo?!”

Well that did it. When I finish this challenge, I’m kicking Mr. T’s @#$. I jumped off the bag onto the platform, finished running through the blades, and I didn’t even pause when I got to the green slime. I ran through the slime so fast, that it splashed into the crowd and onto the flame throwers thereby extinguishing the flames.

When I came to the finish line, I apologized to Jon. “Sorry about the flame throwers. I don’t think the damage is permanent.” I didn’t get a chance to hear Jon’s reply because Mr. T. showed up. I was prepared to fight him over that emo remark, but since he was covered in green slime, I thought I would schedule him for a beat down some other day.

“Petrelli!! You Chump! I pity the fool who gets slime on me!!!”

Well, I could tell you more, but I have to run for my life now. AAAAHHHHH!


Erifia's Author said...

I once had a run in with Mr. T. It was an interesting experiance, he, The Bride, and I, had to stop Bill from destroying all of the Youth Centers in America. Needless to say, he called me Fool, five or six times. I stoe five or six gold chains, and blamed The Bride... Good times.

As for your score, I wil have you know that it has been drastically reduced for not being clear in what video for YouTube that was. I watched thirty second before I thought, "That's Hasselhoff" and "Petrelli gets negative immunity for this." (Negative immunity is where everyone gets immunity but you, and all votes against you [including your own] are multiplied by five.)

But seriously...

Great Post.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Ahhhhh! It's Hasslehoff! My eyes, they burn!

Nathan Petrelli said...

If I had told you that it was Hasselhoff, then it would have been an admission that I knew who he was. lol

Dang no immunity...Double dang.

Catia Ravenstone said...

heh.. Haselhoff, I might just have to make him a minion..All reactions considered

Kon-El said...

noone can control the power of Hasselhoff

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Evidently the only thing that can stop the Hoff is a night with a few too many and a messy sandwich located on the floor.

Nathan Petrelli said...

It seems like there are quite a few Hasselhoff fans around here. I would never have guessed it. Well he is in the Yak traps if you are looking for him.

Catia Ravenstone said...

Kon-El you would be suprised.. Nathan, thank you.. I'll head over that way in a few minutes with one of those long poles

Simon said...

You remind me of one of those maniacs you see running around the subway, mumbling to themselves about how they lost their toothbrush or whatever. I'd suggest that you start taking whatever medication it is that Paula takes.

Nathan Petrelli said...

Does the medication increase libido?

Henchman432 said...

So, I ran like I was running from an old mistress waving a pregnancy test.


And don't hassle the Hof.

Gyrobo said...

Wow. For a second I thought that was Will Ferrell.

Had my cowbell out and everything.

Nathan Petrelli said...

lol Will Ferrell...He's probably around here somewhere.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

I suddenly hear the Knight Rider theme in my head...

Mr. Bennet said...

Wow, Hasslehoff and Mr. T! It's like my bachelor party all over again.

Nathan Petrelli said...

You had Hasselhoff and Mr. T at your bachelor party. I don't care what anyone says. YOU are the ultimate evil.

I've known it since I got that paper cut while briefly in your custody.