Friday, June 29, 2007

Mission Ten

Mr. Bennet listens to the babbling of an idiot challenge-giver (No, not Jon)....

"I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame?" his siren voice rhetorically asked. Bone Grinder continued, "Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

This man made little sense. It was as though Professor X and Jon had their own intergalactic gladiator baby who grew into a retired retard with a penchant for rhetorical speech lacking in meaning, coherency and effective hyperbole.

"Yeah," I said, "I'm not doing this challenge." I made my way back to the barracks.

Suddenly, the door was knocked down. An elderly fellow with a large spiked metal hand and an apparent lack of body skin made his way into my quarters.

"Hey, now!" I protested his entrance.

"Please, call me Ironhand," he said. "I'm a wealthy and eccentric, yet skinless freak, who has the privileged destiny of assisting you on your quest. So, when are we leaving?"

"Leaving? We can't go anywhere. I've been unemployed for weeks now, ever since I shot my boss in the head. I have to start a job search. I have to support my family."

"That's your uncle talking," Ironhand said, "You're going to need my help if you're to find the Noob Lager."

"Noob Lager? Gah! I can't waste my time with that. I have to find a job. I'm almost bankrupt!" I left the room and headed down to the barracks computer room, bringing along some peanut brittle on which to snack. Once there I started my job search, but before I could polish my resume with some top quality BS, Jon came in with two lawyers.

"Bennet," he said, "We have a problem. You signed a contract. You have to do the challenge."

"Oh, come on. It's just a stupid contract," I said.

Then, the bulkier of the two lawyers slapped the peanut brittle out of my hand and yelled, "That contract is ironclad, baby! You breach and the penalty will be so large your grandchildren will still be paying it off."

"Ah, you've returned," Ironhand said as I sulked through the doorway. "Cheer up, I've got something for you." He handed me a box. It was the worst wrapping job I'd ever seen! I quickly opened the atrocious package to discover that inside was a gold-plated fountain pen."

"Wow, how pen-like in nature," I thanked him.

"I knew you'd like it. It belonged to your father."

"You knew my father?" I gasped.

"No," he replied.

I decided to try the pen out. I lifted it up to my face to lick the point as I had seen done in movies, but Ironhand iron-slapped me. "Don't do that. What are you? Retarded? Now, let's get going."

A couple hours later, we arrived at our destination. "There," Ironhand said and pointed his spikey metal hand at the looming gate. "The Noob Lager is in there."

As we approached, I could see a crowd of people. They were studying a creature.

"Hey," one of the people called out, "You two don't look like Dinosaur experts. This park is closed to the public. Only professionals are allowed inside to examine its attractions."

"Here," Ironhand said as he ironhanded me a folder. "Use this. It'll make you look like an expert."

I grabbed the folder and began to impress the crowd with my dino knowledge. "I am Dr. Bennet, paleolithographologist with a minor in culinary arts."

"Oh, yeah? If you're an expert, then you should know how many years ago Dinosaurs walked the Earth."

"Think back to your early teachings," Ironhand suggested.

I thought long and hard. "Well, I guess they were created on the 6th day of creation, about 6,000 years ago."


Crap! Religion had failed me yet again. The crowd started getting uppity. I sensed they were about to forcibly remove us from the park.

"We're about to forcibly remove you from the park!" one threatened.

It was just as I feared! They moved closer. But suddenly Ironhand lept into the air and struck his mighty iron fist into the creature. It fell down dead. The crowd stared in amazement.

Their leader put his hands out and said, "What the Hell did you do that for?"

"If I wasn't a dinosaur expert, how would I have killed this great beast?" Ironhand asked.

The crowd mumbled amongst themselves. Their heads nodded and we were able to pass.

"Nice one," I said. We walked through the jungle. "So, I was thinking, this pen is nice and all, but I'd feel kind of vulnerable fending off dinosaurs with it. Maybe I should try out a sword."

"Nonsense," Ironhand replied, "Here, use this shield." He picked up a fancy Roman-style shield leaning up against a nearby tree.

"Well, okay, this helps. But as far as attacking goes, you think this pen will work?"

He didn't reply. We continued our trek in silence. But the silence was suddenly broken by a distant scream, "Hey! Where's my shield? Nice, dino.....AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Finally, we arrived at a building. We snuck inside. Hiding behind a water cooler, I could see the building was infested with Velociraptors.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"Sheesh, you damn sissy. We're almost to the Noob Lager and you're still expecting me to do everything?"

"I just thought you may have a plan."

He got up and ran toward the nearest Raptor. "Hey, you don't look very scary," he yelled at it, "More like a six foot turkey." And that's when the attack came, not from the front, but from the sides, the other two Raptors, he didn't even know were there.

"NoOOoOocooOOoOOO~!" I screamed. The Raptors turned toward me and I decided it was time for a good fleeing. Unfortunately, the animals chased after me. I made it to a door just in time. I opened it and slid inside the room. Several thuds sounded, then the creatures began scratching at the door. I looked around; it seemed I was in a kitchen.

But before I could prepare myself some Chicken Cordon Bleu, I noticed two Raptors sniffing around inside the kitchen. They hadn't noticed me yet, so I quickly ducked behind a metal counter. I peeked around from my hiding spot and saw the beasts. One was drinking from a was the Noob Lager!

"Use the Pen," a voice called out.

"Shhh!" I said.

"Noah, use the Pen!" I recognized the voice. It was Ironhand.

"Not now," I whispered, "They're right there."

"Yoo hoo!" the posthumous Ironhand voice hollered. The Raptors turned and began approaching me. "Hehehe, now maybe you'll use the pen, eh?"

I jumped up and stuck out the pen, "Back!" I yelled.

The Velociraptor bit the pen in half. In a panic, I turned and ran, tossing the other half of the pen behind me. The other Velociraptor leaped forward, devouring the pen-half in midair. His landing shook the room and I fell into some pots and pans. This was the end, I thought. I survived the ruthless paper business to be eaten by dinosaurs in a theme park kitchen. But before I could say, "Oh, woe is me," the two beasts fell to the floor with two great thuds.

"Poisonous ink," Ironhand said, his spirit appearing in front of me. "Now, go, drink the Noob Lager."

So, I did. I drank it all and passed out. When I woke up, I had a new job!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Five Bees...For What?

Ladies and Gents.

This week we get a quest from a incontinent, incoherent Dum dum.

Jon: "There you go, Gladiators. Your challenge is to go on Bone Grinder’s hero’s quest. Kriss, you will go with Charlene “Chainsaw” Thrace, Henchman will accompany Demonseed, and Bennet will go with Ironhand Heynow. Follow Bone Crusher’s directions and accomplish your tasks. Like the last challenge, all contestants and judges will decide the winner. And oh yes, good luck. You’ll need it. "

I get the joy of being accompanied by Demonseed.

"Oooooh yeeeah!" He shouts. "The madness is runnin' wild!"

I ask "Hey Chuckles, do you know what the heck Bone Grinder was talking about."

D.S.:"The tower of power, too sweet to be sour, ohhhh yeahh!"

HM: "So we have to get to a Tower? Do you know where it is?"

DS: "I've been everywhere from soaring with the eagles to slithering with the snakes."

HM: "Okay...Lets get to the ship.Space it is."

DS: "Oooooh yeeeah!"

(If this Goofy Little Bastard keeps up with this. I am plugging him into the torpedo hole.)

We blast off to find the Tower of power. I check the onboard Cpu for info about Jimmy James Taftenhour Junior the president of the galactic senate .It seems he disappered a while back. Hhmm..Strange.

I am in deep thought,trying to come up with a plan. Like clockwork I hear.

DS: "We're in space and space is the place!"

HM: "Great, Thanks. I really didn't where we were at all.Aren't you hungry"

DS: "Snap into a Slim Jim!"

HM: "You do that." (Why? I just want to win this thing. But, nooo...I have to get stuck with Captain Soundbite.) I go over the Intel. I figure we should make our way to Orion. Space Jump it is. Right out of the Wormhole...

Bam. We are being attack. This ship is trapped by a "Do not pass Go" beam. Bandits board the ship.

I ask if I can help them.

The Robot says




HM : "What?"

"He wants to use the bathroom."

HM: "Who said that ?"

"I'm the ship's mechanic, Timmy."

HM: "Where you hiding? This ship is smaller than a one bedroom in New York City." ( Oh man, my head hurts. I think back on what Bone Grinder was yapping about.)

Bone Grinder:" I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame? Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

Desert...Where is the biggest desert....


The Bandits go potty and leave. I make another hyperspace jump to Dune.

Demonseed start up again."Expect the unexpected in the kingdom of madness!"

I replay "You are the biggest help, ever." (I will not summon a darkbeast to eat him. I will not.) I think about BoneGrinders words again.

BoneGrinder:" I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

Ok, we have to steal something back. Yeah! But, what? I call out "Hey Spilledseed get over here. Tell me, what BoneGrinder was going to repo?"

"The Sensational One leading the madness down that aisle! It's a feeling that you can't even explain." Demonseed roars out.

HM: "What aisle?Is it about a wedding? Give me a straight answer you freak."

Finally he shows me a picture of this.

I find out Jimmy James was going to give this bike to BoneGrinder as a reward, but canceled the contract. Demonseed and I break into Jimmy James home and steal the bike. After to Hyperspace jumps, we are near Hacknor obit. Demon seed tries to pull a double cross.

DS: "Hey, freakshow! You're goin' NOWHERE! I got'cha for three minutes! Three minutes of playtime!"

"OK, fine. (I have been waiting for this.) Just let me ask you something? What is my favorite ballet?"

He shruggs.

"The Nutcracker." I say as I swiftly kick him in the little boys.

He drops like fourth period french.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polairs rules.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Bone’s Interspercal Dollywong

After that wonder story by what’s his name, my partner came to get me for my Hero’s quest. Charlene “chainsaw” Thrace, so named for the MASSVIE chainsaw she walked up to me carrying. Powered up, mind you. My mouth dropped to the floor.

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“Ok, Jedee, let’s get par-tay started!” she shouts as the saw cuts off.

I lifted my mouth. “One: I’m not a Jedee, I’m Jedi. Two: this is not party.”

She snorted and rubbed her nose. “A whata you say? A Jedu?”

“Never mind,” I muttered. “So you’re going to help me?”

“Yeah, me and you, we going to find Bone Grinder’s interspercal dollywong for him,” Charlene said.

“How can that be Hero’s Quest?” I said shocked. “And what is it?”

“Well, Jedee, is about where the interspercal dollywong be dat make it Hero’s Quest and yous’ll see soon enough!” A laugh.

Why me? “Okkk, then. Before we go, I have to ask. What’s up with the wings?”

Charlene smiles and flashes her four teeth. “Cause I can fly, girly, fly high and hard.”

I smiled my “here we go again with the nuttiness” smile. “What are we “flying” in?”

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“What the-” I spat. Now I know I’m in hell. We hop in, and the smell of beer is over-whelming, knida like Anakin’s room after a party.

“Dats the map of mumble mumble,” she told me, handing me this tattered, folded piece of paper.

“That’s a real thing?”

“Well, hecks yeah! Bone anit crazy you know! His ‘hole story really happeneds!”

“Where is this interspercal dollywong at?” I shouted as she took off.

“Hold on and ya’ll see!” The engine was very loud, and the radio even louder. I think it is Big and Rich… whoever that is. We took out over the deser-where did that come from-and head out over the dunes.

We rolled up to the house of Jimmy James and hopped out. I was thankful, you don’t know how much. I looked up at the- this was a house?

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Right about then this creature come running out and started growling at me. “Holy mother of the stars! What is that thing?” I shouted, jumping on the hood of the car and whipping out my lightsaber.

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“Dat be my dawg, girl!” A man shouts, coming out of the house. My mouth fell open again. I was thinking I stepped into a bad episode of the As The Force Turns or something. All I could do is stare.

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“I anit got his interspercal dollywong!” Jimmy shouts at Charlene, ignoring me.

“Hand it over, or dis here Jedee is going to stick her light bulb up your tinker!” Charlene tells him. “And am I going to power up me chainsaw!”

“My what?” I said. Oh, lightsaber.

Jimmy looks me over. “Whatthe tar is a Jedee?”

I snorted. “You don’t want to find out. Give me the interspercal dollywong so I get back to normal people already!”

“Oh, fine! I do want that thang anymore anyhoo! Take it!” He hands something up to me.

“What is this?” I asked, eyebrow up.

“Dat is Bone’s interspercal dollywong, whata think it was?”


“Yeah! Take the darn thang!” he shouts storming off with his creature.

Charlene smiled her toothy smile. “Well dat were easier than I thought would be.”

I held it up. “This? My quest was for this?”

“Yapppers. Coulda been worse. Coulda been for puddin!”

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Something is very wrong with this contest.

I’m going to jump in my General Lee and go mudding! Bye, ya’ll! YEEEHHAWWWW!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Challenge #10

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: Welcome Gladiators and congratulations on making the Final Three. Are you ready for the most exciting, dangerous challenge yet?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Sure.

Mr. Bennet: That’s what we’re here for.

Henchman: Meh.

Jon: Then I have I got a surprise for you! You will be excited to see your new guest for this challenge. Contestants, meet Bone Grinder.

Bone Grinder: Hiya Sally.

Mr. Bennet: Er…

Henchman: Uh, hey.

Jon: Bone Grinder’s going to let you know what the Challenge is. Grinder?

Bone Grinder: That’s right ya yellow pantywaists. I’m going to tell you a story, a story about your favorite gladiator and something that happened back in aught two. You see, back then I was throwin’ down for a credit here or a credit there for anyone who would pay. Now, one day I get a call. You know who I get the call from? None other than Jimmy James Taftenhour Junior himself. That’s right, the president of the galactic senate himself called me to his office for an important mollusk shuck. I put a red onion on my belt and headed to the space bus. Them buses used to cost five bees. Gimme a five bees, they’d say and they’d ride that bus to the end of the line and back again. You know what I mean? So I goes to see Jimmy James in the flesh and he’s got to be three metrons tall if he’s a day, and I says to him “Listen here you rat bastard son of a bongdar, you let me know what’s going on here and now, you lay it to me straight ‘cuz I’m not going to take one of your whitewash jobs, do you read me, you tin plated glantag eater!” Well he laughed right then and there, he laughed and laughed and he mumble mumble mumble. He then told me about Nebula Pete and his map of mumble mumble. Nebula Pete had a mumble mumble and they knew that they had to get it. What do you mean you’re out of curly fries? Jimmy James and I rode that steel can all the way to Orion and back looking for that dang interspersal dollywong and we thought we’d get them bandits for sure at the next green trandan. We had Chainsaw, Demonseed and Ironhand. What mop? I don’t have any pudding. We gotta get that mumble mumble before that other plandar drops. You know what I mean?

Bennet: What did he just--?

Bone Grinder: Jimmy James sent me to the space jump mumble mumble I grabbed that ugly little bioped by his fat, gray neck and I said “You look at me! I’m gonna kill you if you don’t drop the prefab postbox.” I have to stop the needle. Where did my socks go?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Is he OK?

Jon: Sure he is, it just looks like his old age has caught up to him. Either that or maybe some powerful telepath has been screwing around with his mind a little too much.

Bone Grinder: I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame? Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!

Jon: There you go, Gladiators. Your challenge is to go on Bone Grinder’s hero’s quest. Kriss, you will go with Charlene “Chainsaw” Thrace, Henchman will accompany Demonseed, and Bennet will go with Ironhand Heynow. Follow Bone Crusher’s directions and accomplish your tasks. Like the last challenge, all contestants and judges will decide the winner. And oh yes, good luck. You’ll need it.

Bone Grinder: Where’s my pudding?

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by the Intergalactic Jumprope Championship.

The Intergalactic Jumprope Championship only on the IGE Channel.

Challenge #9, Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

OK Gladiators, it's been a long road getting from there to here.

Sorry, promise I won't say that ever again. I mean that I promise that I'll try not to say that. Or at least try to try.

One of you will not be going on to the next challenge.

And that contestant is...

Dark Jedi Kriss
Hold on, check that.

Professor! Nice try but it won't work. She had immunity, remember?

Heh heh, well you can't blame a guy for trying, can you?

Professor Xavier you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

And stay out of my head!

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Troy McClure.

See Troy McClure today!

Challenge #9, The Winner!

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Ladies and Gentlemen, contestants, judges, and sidekicks, the votes are in.

And the winner of Challenge #9 is...

....Wait for it....

..... Are you getting anxious yet?

The winner is...

None other than...

The contestant known as....

Dark Jedi Kriss.

Let this be a lesson folks, sex sells. And by that I mean the nice, wholesome, hot sexiness of good looking, shapely women. Not the creepy old man in a thong sexiness.

Gladiators, cast your votes.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Last, but never...

Ladie and Gents,

I made it to the Final Four

We have a two part challenge this week, so Jon wants us to work over time.

The first part of your challenge, you need to work with our special Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers to get yourself into something a little bit more suitable for combat in the arena.


If She throws a phone at me. I am going to toss her like a midget, off the planet.

Once the costume is done, we need to make our way to the second part. An interview with the IGE on-air personality. we will do the interview, or “cut a promo” as we call it in the biz, in front of a camera and a live studio audience. Yawn.

Oh Well, I just have to suck it up. My helper shows up six hours late, smoking and ingurgitating Red Bull.

I hate her already.

(Why Jon, why? Why do you do this to me?)

She comes over and gives me an air kiss. "Darling, It's a pleasure for you to work with me."

(I think not.I have enough Diva's here with Hot Wheels rolling around.Just think about the challenge, Henchy.)

"So Dear, What ideas do you have for me?" I ask her.

"Retro...Nothing is better, than stealing styles from years back. The farther you go back, the more original it seems." She squeals.

(Couldn't I fight Thor?)

"This one goes way back, Darling." She waves at.

"I'm sorry. I am not feeling it. I think I would have a hard time moving in it." I inform her.

"Ha, Fine." She says. "Next.You can never go wrong with Asian styles. Japan is sooo...cutting edge. This says 'Sho..gun...Bad. " She winks and claws at me. "Roawww."

"Are you kidding. It would tear in a matter of moments. Look, you seem to know fashion, but I might be fighting in that thing. Next." I yell.

"How dare you. Do you know who, I am? I have walked the runways of ..." When she got to that I gave her a Vulcan nerve pinch.

(There, I feel much better now.)

I call up AIM and have them send me something, they stole from SHIELD.

Now this is what I'm talking about. I am smoking in this puppy. I am convinced nothing else can go wrong, while I am wearing this bad boy.

I am ready. Bring them to on. Walters, Gumble or Leno, I can handle anything they throw at me.

I walk in to the studio and scan for the host.



"Welcome everyone, and say hello to my guest ManHench.123" Space Ghost announces.

I interupt "It's Henchman 432."

"Sure thing ManHench." He says with a wink and a smile. "So whats it like to be on the Amazing Mutant Race 3? I hear you might have a good chance of winning that."

I shake my head. "I lost AMR3. I trying to do a promo for Last Gladiator Standing 2. I am in the Final Four."

Space Ghost looks at me funny. "I never heard of it. Why are Gladiators standing? Wouldn't they like to sit sometime?"

"No, That's just the name of the show." I correct him.

"What show?"he asks.

At that instant. I blast him.

"Ha ha, sorry ManHench. You can't get me." He turns to the camera and whispers "Force field."

I storm off the set.

Dental for All.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Xavier wears clothes

"Oh Professor, your late!"

That was the rather cute young Gladiator wardrobe girl. She seemed rather tense.

"There isn't time to have you try on any of the outfits!" she said anxiously. I could see the panic growing in her face.

"It will be alright," I assured her, doing my best to radiate calm.

"Oh! I have an idea! We can use the Auto-Cladamatron!" All at once her tension faded, replaced by a warm smile. Too bad I was running late. "It's still experimental but I'm sure it will work. Just enter here."

Her enthusiasm was refreshing. I rolled into the giant metal box in the corner and she started fumbling with the controls. With a loud zap, a bright light filled the small chamber. I looked down to see my suit had vanished. It was replaced with . .

"What on Earth is this?" I asked, a little put out to find myself wearing some kind of dominatrix outfit.

"It's the latest in Kryptonian fashion," the girl assured me. "But we can try something else."

She twisted a dial and threw the switch and suddenly I was wearing . .

"What the hell?!" I demanded. "Change it! Quick!"

With an embarassed giggle, she fiddled with the knobs. One zap later . .

"Arrhhh!!! Absolutely not! Change it!!"


"Er . . well, it's not my usual thing," I said. "But I suppose it will do."

"Good, 'cause we're out of time!"

The girl escorted me to the studio that had been set up for the promo interview. I took my place next to the desk and then the interviewer came out. Oh no! Not this clown again!

"Hey, good to see you again, Professor X!" Carrot Top exploded.

"When I saw this gig come through on Craig's List I volunteered straight away! I can't tell you how much material I got out of you from our last interview!"

"Delightful," I answered coldly, refusing to return his high five.

Pulling his hand back, he said, "So tell me, who do you like to win this show?"

"Well, aside from me I think that Kriss has been doing an-"

"Hey, what do you call a bunch of rabbits hopping backwards?"

"Excuse me?"

"A receding hair line! Get it, baldy?"

"Er, yes. Very funny."

"How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"What? Well, that's just-"

"One to change the bulb and then a construction crew to rebuild the building afterwards! 'Cause you mutants are always blowing everything up! AHA HA HA HA HA!!

That last joke sent Carrot Top into fits of giggles. The crew in the studio were laughing there heads off. At that I took my cape and went back the dormitory.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Mission Nine

Mr. Bennet prepares for a challenge of gladitorial style and wit....

This was it, the all important challenge. It is important that I win this all important challenge, in fact, it's of the utmost importance.

I first had to design my gladiator outfit. Luckly, I had a friend in Japan who specialized in material arts, Yakan'atama Chobihige. I gave him call.

"Beneto-san, it please me that you call."

"Call me Noah-san."

He came up right away and the two of us got to work on my duds. It was a long, exhaustive process, but I was pleased with the results.

"Dai jo bu?" Yakan'atam asked.

"Hai," I said. "Now time for the interview."

"Sumimasen!" he called out as I was walking onto the set, "Take this for good luck."

"Arigatou." When he was out of view, I disposed of the ridiculous flower. I took my seat at the interview table.

"Mr. Noah Bennet!" the host called out. The audience stood up applausing as he ran by, flexing for them. He bowed a few times and finally took a seat.

"Now, Mr. Bennet," he started, "You recently helped save New York from an explosion, correct?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Thank you for supporting our President. Now, you're on this Gladiator show, and let me see if I understand this right. You're not a Jedi? You can't use the Force. You don't have any mutant powers. You don't suck people's souls out of their nostrils with a magic straw. So what is it you do do?"

"Well, it depends on what I eat."

"Now, I got to ask you about the competition. What's with the Jedi chick? I was under the impression that women couldn't be Jedi. Is the Counsel just going crazy? Too much Jawa Juice maybe?"

"Well, I don't know that she's a real Jedi. I think she's more for ratings."

"Like Vanna White?" he asked, then turned to the camera, "Those letters turn themselves, Mrs. White! You are superfluous!"

Finally, I wrapped up the interview and was heading back to the barracks when Jon came over and said, "The Professor ran over some wet gum on the street and now he's immobilized. I need you to do the Conan interview for him."

"So, Mr. Bennet, what kind of powers do you have?"

"Well, Conan, when I'm gladiatoring, I'm known as The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. And I shred paper."

"Wow! That's a great power, Horn-Rimmed Shredder."

"The Horn-Rimmed Shredder," I corrected.

"My appologies, The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. Now, on the show, there are only four contestants left. Who do you think is your toughest competition?"

"Well, there's no doubt about it that Jon will be the toughest to beat. So far, he hasn't won any challenges, nobody likes him, and he's still on the show."

"What's it like working with a mutant?"

"It's like working with a human, you just have to talk slower," I looked over at Max, "I'm sure you know what it's like, Conan."

"Oh, Max? No, he's not a mutant. He's just Jewish. We lure him back into his cage at the end of the show with bagels, right Max?"

"That's right, Conan."

"So what's next for you?" the insanely tall Leprechaun asked.

"Well, after Last Gladiator Standing, I've got a job lined up with the GOP. Lots of papers need shredding. Something about Alberto Gonzalez."

"Sounds fun. Alright, when we come back, Britney Spears performs from her new album!"

Monday, June 18, 2007

New Armor and Joan Rivers

The armor making took hours. I was annoyed by the time it was over, I wanted to kill someone. But I must admit they did a wonderful job. Wouldn’t fly at the Temple but I not at the Temple, am I?

I donned my new duds made by the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers and ushered into a hovercraft to the interview area. The host of the interview portion of the show was waiting. I walked down the red carpet with my chin up.

Joan Rivers greets me at the at the end red carpet, microphone in hand.

Joan smiles, her makeup so thick it looked like it would crack. “Oh! Look who we have here! The only female remaining in this contest! DJK! And look at what she has on! It’s short, it’s skimpy, and it’s TOTALLY HOT! How does it feel to make this far?” she gabs poking a microphone in my face.

I cleared my throat and opened my mouth.

Joan cuts me off. “Superb! Do tell us! Are the men on the show nice to you? Do they give you a hard time?”

“Well, they-”

“Wonderful! You are Jedi Knight! How do you get away with competing in LGS?”

“The Jedi Counsel doesn’t min-” I tried to say.

“Splendid! You have such a pretty lightsaber! And it matches! Do you play with it a lot?” she asks.

“I don’t pla-” I started.

“Magnificent! We wish you the best of luck! Now smile at the camera!”

Joan steps back and a camera flashes in my face.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Eat your heart out Lord Vader!

I didn’t say that!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Challenge #9

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

It’s Final Four time, folks, and as you know the Final Four is just like Final Five except it’s one better.

You have a two part challenge this week, so you’re going to have to work just about twice as hard.

Before you begin your challenge, take a look at what you’re wearing. Nice, comfortable clothes right? Well, they won’t work for an Intergalactic Gladiator. Look at you, two of you are wearing a suit and tie, another thinks he’s a beekeeper. What’s up with that? At least dark Jedi Kriss looks like she’s ready for action, that action might be getting thrown around by the cloak, but hey, it’s action, right?

The first part of your challenge, you need to work with our special Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers to get yourself into something a little bit more suitable for combat in the arena.

Once you get your costume together, you need to make your way to the second part. For this you need to make your way to the interview area to meet with the IGE on-air personality. You will do the interview, or “cut a promo” as we call it in the biz, in front of a camera and a live studio audience. Pretty exciting, huh?

We’re going to have a special guest judge for this challenge, and that is…

All of the contestants!

Everyone who was voted off in the previous challenges gets to have a say in who wins this one. Ooops, I guess you shouldn’t have burned all those bridges during the competition, huh?

Alright Gladiators, let’s see what you’ve got.

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Challenge #8, the Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

OK Gladiators, what time is it? It’s contestant kickin’ out time.

Whose salesmanship skills weren’t showing so well at this week’s something somewhere?

Which contestant should have actually tried to sell some stuff at the concession stand?

Godfrey Zebulon, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

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Saturday, June 16, 2007

Judgment #8

Hey everyone, congratulations on making it to the final five. Its getting down the wire, and soon I won’t be your judge. I don’t know how soon, but soon I will be just a memory. But, its not this week.

Now, you’ve been through all of the talks, and I am going to instruct you in a way to get a better post so that way you have a better chance of winning.

Godfrey – Hello Darkness my old friend. Here’s my best suggestion, and follow me on this. When you go to write a post, perhaps writing a short outline, and checking the sequence of events and if it solves the problem posed. To be honest, I couldn’t exactly gather what you were doing.

Dark Jedi Kriss – What up Jedi Sister? Though I agree with Summer Dawn, Corbiscide took a step out of the line, I will admit, I enjoy your pictures and, as you notice, everyone uses pictures in these final posts. I also understand you make your posts vivid so that they won’t need pictures, I notice that. Get a picture, they make me laugh.

Hench – My author forwarded the money to your account, he expects the Dark Jedi to be delivered soon. As far as improvement goes, I would suggest use a little more vivid imagery in the wording of the posts. This will assist you greatly in all of your efforts, not just this competition.

Professor – I am proud of you, you didn’t take control of anybody. I am also proud of you because you stole from Henchman. The post overall was good, but you were lacking a punch line. You even had yourself set up for a good Punchline post. The Monkey’s say five things. At the end of the post you could have had someone pull the string, and it say, “That’s how we monkey’s handle monkey business!” Its not the best one, but it would have been hilarious to have all five in it. Hit up a punchline.

Bennet – The post was up to par with how the final five should be. My suggestion to you. Shorten it. Not like, write “The beginning… The End…” But if you can remove two or three paragraphs of length, it becomes a more manageable post. If Jon is doing it the same as last year, I won’t be voting, it will be the public. Keep it shorter for the childrens.

I hope I didn’t insult or hurt any of your feelings, I now how it feels to be critiqued on your writing. What I am trying to do now is just get you set up for a winning series of final posts.

Now. To announce the winner of immunity and being assured in the final four.

Which leads to the final three…

Which leads to the final two…

Which leads to the winner.

Here we go, and the winner of immunity is…


Congratulations… You can’t vote for Henchman… But you must decide who won’t move onto the final four.

If you’ll excuse me, I have a Food in the oven,

Hugs and Kisses,

From the lawyers of Dark Jedi Kriss

To whom to may concern,

Anyone who has a copy of Henchman’s holovid of him doing perverse things in Dark Jedi Kriss’ body must return the disks to our offices forthwith. If anyone is caught with said vid after one week you will be personally hunted down by Darth Vader and exterminated.

Thank you and good day,

The Imperial Law Offices of the Empire

(DJK: It's nice to be in good with a Dark Lord. HA!)

Friday, June 15, 2007

Mission Eight

Mr. Bennet relaxes in his comfort zone selling crap to idiots....

Ah, finally! A challenge tailored to my strengths. Everyone knows I'm the best salesman here. For more than 15 years I've made a living selling paper and kidnapping evolved humans. Selling paper has taught me how to dazzle the masses out of their lifesavings over mundane and inexpensive merchandise. And the kidnapping taught me....well, I don't think those skills will come in handy here. But let's start the sales!

First step....employees! Every good middle-management flunky knows that you need mindless drones to do the work you're too lazy to do. But where could I find a team of no-brainers with the charisma, spunk and general good-looks to do well in sales?

I called my Claire Bear. "I need your cheerleading buddies over here pronto!"

"Oh, my God, Dad! Don't ever say pronto again. That's so 1990."

"Were you alive then?" I asked, "Wait! Forget it. Just get your team down here."

Finally, the girls arrived. I had two help me in the concession stand and the rest I sent out to canvas the area.

Rather than selling lame bobbleheads or pornographic material, I decided to stick to chips, drinks and hot dogs. Everyone needs hot dogs, especially at a sporting event.

The girls and I got to work selling food stuffs. We had several customers, apparently the cheerleaders were doing a good job canvasing and sending them our way. But when compared to the amount of people at Henchman's stand, mine looked like the library at the Jedi Temple. Other than a few kids and some old lady, there weren't many patrons. We had to up our game!

I quickly ran to the nearby Horizon Costume Shop and bought a hot dog costume.

"Hey, you!" I called out to one of the cheerleaders.


"I need you to wear this and stand over by the booth."

She looked the suit up and down and stared at me with her jaw open. "Like, no way! I wouldn't be caught dead in that wiener costume."

Darn! My plan was falling apart. I needed someone to wear this costume, and it wasn't going to be me. I was nerdy, but not that nerdy. Where would I find a big enough schlub to don the outfit?

Then it hit me like a lonely professor hits his monkeyboy doll. Godfrey Zebulon! I just needed to persuade him into wearing this outside our stand.

"Hey, Geoffrey," I said.

He took a break from bobbling his bobbleheads to correct me, "My name's Godfrey."

"Listen, Gadfly. You see those young ladies at my stand?"

"Um...." he squinted. "No?"

"Here," I handed him my glasses, "Try these. They're horn-rimmed."

He put them on and looked over at my stand, "Oh, yeah. I see 'em."

I snatched the glasses off his face and placed them back on mine. "They're a bit young for me, and I'm married, so I thought I'd pass the 411 onto you. You know, we four-eyed nerds have to stick together. The one on the right has a thing for men in hot dog costumes. In fact, I heard her telling the other one that she'd love to meet a guy who would hang out in front of our concession stand in a hot dog suit waving his lightsaber to attract costumers."

"Really?" I could see him thinking it over in his mind. I just had to seal the deal.

"And as luck would have it, I just found this hot dog costume lying around. Too bad I don't know anyone with a lightsaber in the vicinity."


"Oh, well. Here, you can have this." I set the costume down on his counter, "Maybe you can sell it." I turned and headed back to my booth. But on the way, I noticed The Professor! That vile paraplegic with his no-good shenanigans! What was he up to now?

It seemed he was removing the cash from Henchman's cash register. Normally, I would have said something, but Henchman wasn't on my team anymore. But I did fear for the safety of my booth. I knew Charles would be plotting to sabotage my efforts next.

I got back to my booth and quickly began working on a mutant-trap. All I had was some duct tape, a self-squeezing ketchup bottle and a mechanism to trigger the self-squeezing ketchup bottle when a mutant is detected nearby. It was clear that I had two options. I could lay the duct tape around the stand so that when he rolled over it, it'd wad up all over his wheels causing him to fall onto the ketchup bottle where I would proceed to beat him with the triggering mechanism. Or I could duct tape the ketchup bottle up so that it would spray him when he got near.

We were running out of time. I quickly set up my trap and got back to fixing hot dogs for the masses. Then, I saw The Professor rolling over. "Quick, Claire!" I hollered. "Go get the camera." Then, I saw Godfrey coming over in the hot dog outfit.

Everything was working perfectly!

This was going to be good....

Wait for it....

I could barely contain my excitement!







I know I won this challenge!