Friday, June 22, 2007

Mission Nine

Mr. Bennet prepares for a challenge of gladitorial style and wit....

This was it, the all important challenge. It is important that I win this all important challenge, in fact, it's of the utmost importance.

I first had to design my gladiator outfit. Luckly, I had a friend in Japan who specialized in material arts, Yakan'atama Chobihige. I gave him call.

"Beneto-san, it please me that you call."

"Call me Noah-san."

He came up right away and the two of us got to work on my duds. It was a long, exhaustive process, but I was pleased with the results.

"Dai jo bu?" Yakan'atam asked.

"Hai," I said. "Now time for the interview."

"Sumimasen!" he called out as I was walking onto the set, "Take this for good luck."

"Arigatou." When he was out of view, I disposed of the ridiculous flower. I took my seat at the interview table.

"Mr. Noah Bennet!" the host called out. The audience stood up applausing as he ran by, flexing for them. He bowed a few times and finally took a seat.

"Now, Mr. Bennet," he started, "You recently helped save New York from an explosion, correct?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Thank you for supporting our President. Now, you're on this Gladiator show, and let me see if I understand this right. You're not a Jedi? You can't use the Force. You don't have any mutant powers. You don't suck people's souls out of their nostrils with a magic straw. So what is it you do do?"

"Well, it depends on what I eat."

"Now, I got to ask you about the competition. What's with the Jedi chick? I was under the impression that women couldn't be Jedi. Is the Counsel just going crazy? Too much Jawa Juice maybe?"

"Well, I don't know that she's a real Jedi. I think she's more for ratings."

"Like Vanna White?" he asked, then turned to the camera, "Those letters turn themselves, Mrs. White! You are superfluous!"

Finally, I wrapped up the interview and was heading back to the barracks when Jon came over and said, "The Professor ran over some wet gum on the street and now he's immobilized. I need you to do the Conan interview for him."

"So, Mr. Bennet, what kind of powers do you have?"

"Well, Conan, when I'm gladiatoring, I'm known as The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. And I shred paper."

"Wow! That's a great power, Horn-Rimmed Shredder."

"The Horn-Rimmed Shredder," I corrected.

"My appologies, The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. Now, on the show, there are only four contestants left. Who do you think is your toughest competition?"

"Well, there's no doubt about it that Jon will be the toughest to beat. So far, he hasn't won any challenges, nobody likes him, and he's still on the show."

"What's it like working with a mutant?"

"It's like working with a human, you just have to talk slower," I looked over at Max, "I'm sure you know what it's like, Conan."

"Oh, Max? No, he's not a mutant. He's just Jewish. We lure him back into his cage at the end of the show with bagels, right Max?"

"That's right, Conan."

"So what's next for you?" the insanely tall Leprechaun asked.

"Well, after Last Gladiator Standing, I've got a job lined up with the GOP. Lots of papers need shredding. Something about Alberto Gonzalez."

"Sounds fun. Alright, when we come back, Britney Spears performs from her new album!"


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hello? Is this thing on?

The Shredder said...

I'm going to sue!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I hate the Foot Clan. I think they stink.

Noah Bennet said...

You ate the Foot Clan?

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

"You recently helped save New York from an explosion, correct?"

"Yes, that's right."

HELPED?? Sylar knocked you around like he owned you...You had to let your/my 16 yr old daughter take the gun and handle the situation. Who flew up into the sky and exploded??? Who? The Petrelli Brothers that's who.

Oh...And don't knock the jedi...NOAH.

Kon-El said...

Ok Ya ripped off someone else's costume, and your promos were kinds blah.

Synth-Lin said...

Nice industrial look there Noah.

I did enjoy the flower but you disposed of it. So there's no points coming from that.

The white trash joke at the end was out of context. And Britney knows she's white trash. It written on her recording contract.

Love you all


Henchman432 said...

I love Conan. Nice one.

Simon said...

I like your caustic whit. Ever think about judging a singing competition?

Erifia Apoc said...

Ahem... There are plenty of female jedi you chauvinist male pig dog. Feel lucky I am not the judge this week or you would get Anti-Immunity.

That's right... Anti-Immunity...

Besides being cruel and punishing, the post was okay.

Noah Bennet said...

Hey, Colbert said it, not me.