Mission Nine

Mr. Bennet prepares for a challenge of gladitorial style and wit....

This was it, the all important challenge. It is important that I win this all important challenge, in fact, it's of the utmost importance.

I first had to design my gladiator outfit. Luckly, I had a friend in Japan who specialized in material arts, Yakan'atama Chobihige. I gave him call.

"Beneto-san, it please me that you call."

"Call me Noah-san."

He came up right away and the two of us got to work on my duds. It was a long, exhaustive process, but I was pleased with the results.



"Dai jo bu?" Yakan'atam asked.

"Hai," I said. "Now time for the interview."

"Sumimasen!" he called out as I was walking onto the set, "Take this for good luck."



"Arigatou." When he was out of view, I disposed of the ridiculous flower. I took my seat at the interview table.

"Mr. Noah Bennet!" the host called out. The audience stood up applausing as he ran by, flexing for them. He bowed a few times and finally took a seat.

"Now, Mr. Bennet," he started, "You recently helped save New York from an explosion, correct?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Thank you for supporting our President. Now, you're on this Gladiator show, and let me see if I understand this right. You're not a Jedi? You can't use the Force. You don't have any mutant powers. You don't suck people's souls out of their nostrils with a magic straw. So what is it you do do?"

"Well, it depends on what I eat."



"Now, I got to ask you about the competition. What's with the Jedi chick? I was under the impression that women couldn't be Jedi. Is the Counsel just going crazy? Too much Jawa Juice maybe?"

"Well, I don't know that she's a real Jedi. I think she's more for ratings."

"Like Vanna White?" he asked, then turned to the camera, "Those letters turn themselves, Mrs. White! You are superfluous!"

Finally, I wrapped up the interview and was heading back to the barracks when Jon came over and said, "The Professor ran over some wet gum on the street and now he's immobilized. I need you to do the Conan interview for him."



"So, Mr. Bennet, what kind of powers do you have?"

"Well, Conan, when I'm gladiatoring, I'm known as The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. And I shred paper."

"Wow! That's a great power, Horn-Rimmed Shredder."

"The Horn-Rimmed Shredder," I corrected.

"My appologies, The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. Now, on the show, there are only four contestants left. Who do you think is your toughest competition?"

"Well, there's no doubt about it that Jon will be the toughest to beat. So far, he hasn't won any challenges, nobody likes him, and he's still on the show."

"What's it like working with a mutant?"

"It's like working with a human, you just have to talk slower," I looked over at Max, "I'm sure you know what it's like, Conan."

"Oh, Max? No, he's not a mutant. He's just Jewish. We lure him back into his cage at the end of the show with bagels, right Max?"

"That's right, Conan."

"So what's next for you?" the insanely tall Leprechaun asked.

"Well, after Last Gladiator Standing, I've got a job lined up with the GOP. Lots of papers need shredding. Something about Alberto Gonzalez."

"Sounds fun. Alright, when we come back, Britney Spears performs from her new album!"