Mission Seven

Mr. Bennet spends a week in the body of a Synthetic Lindsay Lohan....

Having grown up as a nerd, I knew a thing or two about synthetic females. This challenge would be a breeze.

Day 1

Since we merely had to survive a week, there was no reason to stay on Hacknor. I was happy to go back home and see my family. As soon as I opened the door, my Claire-Bear was waiting to greet me.

"Dad! Dad!" she yelled and came running into the living room. She stopped when she saw me and let out a scream. I felt terrible for scaring her. "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

She kept screaming and jumping up and down

"What is it, Claire?" I asked.

"You're Lindsay Lohan! And you know my name! Lindsay Lohan knows my name!"

"No. I am your father."

"Dad? No! It can't be. That's impossible!" She said, "He doesn't have that kind of grace or fashion sense."

Luckily, I pickpocketed my old self (Godfrey, ha! Some Jedi he is.) and managed to get my Primatech Gun. I quickly shot her in the arm. "Now do you believe me?"

Day 2

"Ahhhhhhhh!!" My wife screamed and jumped out of bed.

"Relax, honey. It's me, remember?"

She was breathing quickly, but started to calm down. "Oh," she said, "I forgot. I just turned over and saw....her...laying beside me."

I put Lin's arm around her. "It's okay, it's me, Noah."

"I know. It was so frightening, it was like college all over again."

Day 3

Synthetic bodies start to smell after a couple of days without showering. I had been putting it off, but I can see it's inevitable.

I'm not intrigued or made uncomfortable by it. It's just that every other contestant in a different sex's body is probably going to do little more than some childish experiments with their new accessories. I'm above that. If twenty years of marriage has taught me anything, it's that boobs are overrated.

So, I began showering.

Moments later, the shower curtain was pulled open. "Claire!" I yelled, "I know you're adopted, but that just makes this more wrong!"

"Relax, Dad," she said grabbing the shampoo bottle from me. "Pert?? Pert???? You're in more trouble than I thought. That's not just any hair, you know? It's Lindsay Lohan hair! You can't use Pert on Lindsay Lohan hair! Jeez, Dad, don't you know anything?"

"I know that plant cell walls are composed of fibers bound together. During pulping, these fibers are separated from each other and carbohydrate surfaces, primarily cellulose or hemicellulose, are exposed. Hydrogen bonding between these carbohydrate surfaces gives paper its strength."

"Oh, my God, Dad! You're such a geek." She hands me a new bottle of shampoo. "Just use this, okay?" and off she goes.

Day 4

"So, Dad....I was thinking..."

"Yes?" I reply.

"Since you're Lindsay Lohan..."

"A synthetic Lindsay Lohan."

"Whatever! Since you're a synthetic Lindsay Lohan.....could we go show some friends at the mall?"

"No way. That is out of the question young lady."

"Please?"

"I said no!"

"Please?"

"Not gonna happen."

Day 5

Claire and I were walking through the mall. Everyone was looking at us and whispering to each other. Then some Cheerleading friends of Claire came up.

"Oh, my God! Like that's totally Lindsay!"

"Wow, Claire, like you are so awesome."

"You're my new best friend!"

I looked down at Claire, "So should I sing or dance or something?"

She mumbled back to me under her breath, "Dad! You're not Barney the Dinosaur. Just say you want to go party and put the shades back on!"

"But we're inside!"

"It doesn't matter."

"There's no sun here! Why would I wear shades?"

"Because it's cool! Now put them on."

"Fine!"

Day 6

Well, it was time to head back to Hacknor. I stepped out my front door and was immediately blinded by the flashes of a thousand cameras. People were all over my yard, screaming at me, "Ms. Lohan, what do you think of Paris going to prison? Lindsay, who are you wearing? Shouldn't you be in rehab? Are you drunk right now?"

Day 7

I called some friends to help out with the Paparazzi. Niki came over and tore most of them in half. The rest skedaddled.

"Oh, my God, Dad!" Claire said, looking over my shoulder. "You did not just use the word skedaddled."

"Claire, I'm not Lindsay Lohan. I'm leaving to Hacknor now, and I'm going to be me again."

"Awwwwww!"

I arrived safely at Hacknor and there I was! I ran over to myself and said, "Hey there, sexy."

Godfrey turned around in my body and said, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Lindsay Lohan!!"

Then Lin came up in Godfrey's body and said, "Oh, thank God! I'm in one piece."

"Yeah, sorry about the thighs though."

"What?" She looked down and screamed.

"Hey, I like ice cream. It's only ten pounds. You'll get by."