Friday, June 29, 2007

Mission Ten

Mr. Bennet listens to the babbling of an idiot challenge-giver (No, not Jon)....

"I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame?" his siren voice rhetorically asked. Bone Grinder continued, "Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

This man made little sense. It was as though Professor X and Jon had their own intergalactic gladiator baby who grew into a retired retard with a penchant for rhetorical speech lacking in meaning, coherency and effective hyperbole.

"Yeah," I said, "I'm not doing this challenge." I made my way back to the barracks.

Suddenly, the door was knocked down. An elderly fellow with a large spiked metal hand and an apparent lack of body skin made his way into my quarters.

"Hey, now!" I protested his entrance.

"Please, call me Ironhand," he said. "I'm a wealthy and eccentric, yet skinless freak, who has the privileged destiny of assisting you on your quest. So, when are we leaving?"

"Leaving? We can't go anywhere. I've been unemployed for weeks now, ever since I shot my boss in the head. I have to start a job search. I have to support my family."

"That's your uncle talking," Ironhand said, "You're going to need my help if you're to find the Noob Lager."

"Noob Lager? Gah! I can't waste my time with that. I have to find a job. I'm almost bankrupt!" I left the room and headed down to the barracks computer room, bringing along some peanut brittle on which to snack. Once there I started my job search, but before I could polish my resume with some top quality BS, Jon came in with two lawyers.

"Bennet," he said, "We have a problem. You signed a contract. You have to do the challenge."

"Oh, come on. It's just a stupid contract," I said.

Then, the bulkier of the two lawyers slapped the peanut brittle out of my hand and yelled, "That contract is ironclad, baby! You breach and the penalty will be so large your grandchildren will still be paying it off."

"Ah, you've returned," Ironhand said as I sulked through the doorway. "Cheer up, I've got something for you." He handed me a box. It was the worst wrapping job I'd ever seen! I quickly opened the atrocious package to discover that inside was a gold-plated fountain pen."

"Wow, how pen-like in nature," I thanked him.

"I knew you'd like it. It belonged to your father."

"You knew my father?" I gasped.

"No," he replied.

I decided to try the pen out. I lifted it up to my face to lick the point as I had seen done in movies, but Ironhand iron-slapped me. "Don't do that. What are you? Retarded? Now, let's get going."

A couple hours later, we arrived at our destination. "There," Ironhand said and pointed his spikey metal hand at the looming gate. "The Noob Lager is in there."

As we approached, I could see a crowd of people. They were studying a creature.

"Hey," one of the people called out, "You two don't look like Dinosaur experts. This park is closed to the public. Only professionals are allowed inside to examine its attractions."

"Here," Ironhand said as he ironhanded me a folder. "Use this. It'll make you look like an expert."

I grabbed the folder and began to impress the crowd with my dino knowledge. "I am Dr. Bennet, paleolithographologist with a minor in culinary arts."

"Oh, yeah? If you're an expert, then you should know how many years ago Dinosaurs walked the Earth."

"Think back to your early teachings," Ironhand suggested.

I thought long and hard. "Well, I guess they were created on the 6th day of creation, about 6,000 years ago."


Crap! Religion had failed me yet again. The crowd started getting uppity. I sensed they were about to forcibly remove us from the park.

"We're about to forcibly remove you from the park!" one threatened.

It was just as I feared! They moved closer. But suddenly Ironhand lept into the air and struck his mighty iron fist into the creature. It fell down dead. The crowd stared in amazement.

Their leader put his hands out and said, "What the Hell did you do that for?"

"If I wasn't a dinosaur expert, how would I have killed this great beast?" Ironhand asked.

The crowd mumbled amongst themselves. Their heads nodded and we were able to pass.

"Nice one," I said. We walked through the jungle. "So, I was thinking, this pen is nice and all, but I'd feel kind of vulnerable fending off dinosaurs with it. Maybe I should try out a sword."

"Nonsense," Ironhand replied, "Here, use this shield." He picked up a fancy Roman-style shield leaning up against a nearby tree.

"Well, okay, this helps. But as far as attacking goes, you think this pen will work?"

He didn't reply. We continued our trek in silence. But the silence was suddenly broken by a distant scream, "Hey! Where's my shield? Nice, dino.....AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Finally, we arrived at a building. We snuck inside. Hiding behind a water cooler, I could see the building was infested with Velociraptors.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"Sheesh, you damn sissy. We're almost to the Noob Lager and you're still expecting me to do everything?"

"I just thought you may have a plan."

He got up and ran toward the nearest Raptor. "Hey, you don't look very scary," he yelled at it, "More like a six foot turkey." And that's when the attack came, not from the front, but from the sides, the other two Raptors, he didn't even know were there.

"NoOOoOocooOOoOOO~!" I screamed. The Raptors turned toward me and I decided it was time for a good fleeing. Unfortunately, the animals chased after me. I made it to a door just in time. I opened it and slid inside the room. Several thuds sounded, then the creatures began scratching at the door. I looked around; it seemed I was in a kitchen.

But before I could prepare myself some Chicken Cordon Bleu, I noticed two Raptors sniffing around inside the kitchen. They hadn't noticed me yet, so I quickly ducked behind a metal counter. I peeked around from my hiding spot and saw the beasts. One was drinking from a was the Noob Lager!

"Use the Pen," a voice called out.

"Shhh!" I said.

"Noah, use the Pen!" I recognized the voice. It was Ironhand.

"Not now," I whispered, "They're right there."

"Yoo hoo!" the posthumous Ironhand voice hollered. The Raptors turned and began approaching me. "Hehehe, now maybe you'll use the pen, eh?"

I jumped up and stuck out the pen, "Back!" I yelled.

The Velociraptor bit the pen in half. In a panic, I turned and ran, tossing the other half of the pen behind me. The other Velociraptor leaped forward, devouring the pen-half in midair. His landing shook the room and I fell into some pots and pans. This was the end, I thought. I survived the ruthless paper business to be eaten by dinosaurs in a theme park kitchen. But before I could say, "Oh, woe is me," the two beasts fell to the floor with two great thuds.

"Poisonous ink," Ironhand said, his spirit appearing in front of me. "Now, go, drink the Noob Lager."

So, I did. I drank it all and passed out. When I woke up, I had a new job!


Henchman432 said...

That will turn out well...NOT.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

So which was the most harrowing part of your journey, the beefy brittle-slapping lawyer, the crazy old gladiator with the giant club on his hand, or the dinosaurs?

Oh and I loved this story, it was so exciting and educational. It was like PBS but with far less Elmo.

Synth-Lin said...

The pen.

Nice touch with the pen.

Love you all.


Simon said...

The only thing missing from your epic hero's journey was a love interest. Unless Ironhand was doing double duty? Yes, I can see the subtext there. The pen was a phallic metaphor. The shield was a sign of your union. His death was his climax.

Eh, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Unless there's something you want to tell us?

Noah Bennet said...

This Hero's already married. I'm immune to love interests now.

And besides, we were on a time limit, so I just stuck with the important stuff.

Kon-El said...

Simon keep your fantasies to your self please.

Nice post.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Ew, tell Brian Doyle-Murray there to put som epants on.