Friday, June 8, 2007

Xavier takes a ride in Henchman

I couldn’t believe Jon had the lack of empathy to stick me in Henchman’s body. Henchman! He’s a super-villain for crying out loud! And what’s worse, he stole my girlfriend while I was off planet on a very important mission for the Galacta, Queen of the Galaxy.

I mean of course he stole my girlfriend. He’s a villain. That’s the kind of thing they do. And not only was I stuck in this wanna-be Joker’s body, I also had to worry about how Dark Jedi Kriss was going to be miss-using my body, and more importantly, my powers. She is a dark Jedi, after all. At least that’s what her name is. She does seem to hang out with the good Jedi. She might be tempted to use my telepathic powers unethically. Then again, she’s cute so I suppose it’s all right.

A whole week I have to spend in this creeps body! And it’s not even a real body. He has all these mechanical parts. They’re rather poorly constructed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen his bionic arm ripped off. Even little Kitty Pryde ripped it off once. Pathetic, really.

Then again, he is rather powerful. He can summon all types of monsters and things. Hmmm, I bet I could cause quite a bit of trouble while in Henchman’s body and then he would get all the blame. When I’m back in my body I could just erase everyone’s memory of the contest, leaving all the blame for him. Heh heh heh.

No, no, that would be wrong. I would never do that. But I could at least enjoy some of the physical sports I don’t get to indulge in.

The first day I went lava skiing on the Flaming Molten Sea. The robotic hover boat I rented was really flying fast. The admantium skies held up pretty well but I’m afraid Henchman’s body got some rather nasty burns. Ah well.

The next day I decided to enter the Amateur Gladiator Frooz Day contest. It consisted of 5 progressively harder matches against professional gladiators and it was open to the public. I have to admit, Henchman is pretty powerful. I was moving rather quickly through the matches. The final gladiator was Mongo Supremo. I didn’t recognize the species. He looked like a cross between a Pitbull and Godzilla. I only lasted about 2 minutes. With a terrible screeching sound, he ripped Henchman’s mechanical arm out of its socket and sent it flying about a mile, somewhere in the vicinity of the Pungent Boggy Marshes of Doom.

I spent the next day on a field trip trying to find it, without any success. The 5 foot long mosquitoes that inhabit the Marshes took quite a few bites out of me though. Out of Henchman, actually.

Down to one arm, on the fourth day I decided to relax. I headed over to the Beautiful Blue Beach of Paradise to enjoy the lovely young ladies frolicking in the bikinis. And to enjoy the open bar. After my fifth Margarita I fell asleep. Henchman really can’t hold his drink. I awoke five hours later to find the whole front of his body was bright, bright red. His skin already started peeling.

By the final day Henchman’s body was far too sore and achy for me to do much. I decided to head over to the Junior Gladiator Culinary Arts School. I sampled a wide variety of the student’s experimental dishes. The first few were rather tasty but by my third hour, I was suddenly struck with the most horrible stomach cramps. I think it was the Snotty Green Chili that did it. I spent the rest of the night locked into the bathroom.

When it was time to switch bodies back, I was only able to hobble to the Reverso Machine, or whatever Jon calls it. It was certainly a pleasure to get back into my own body.

Sorry for any wear and tear Henchman. I’m sure the show must have some kind of insurance plan to cover this kind of thing.


Henchman432 said...

Of course you know Charles,this means war.

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Destroying lives seems to be your mantra...Are you sure you are on the side of good?

Vegeta said...


Godfrey Zebulon said...

*tries to avoid laughing *
*fails miserably*

Serves Henchman right.. after all Karma has a rather nasty habbit of biting us back when we least expect it..

Skywalker said...

You abused his body. Not that blame ya, I would to if he took my girl.

Over all: Kicking. revenge is sweet isn't it?

Noah Bennet said...

You are on the path to the Dark Side!

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

I think he is! Is that my fault... and if it is...I have one person to blame...

Simon said...

I have to agree with the others - you really aren't much of a hero. Maybe it's time to hang up the cape and take up farming.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Too funny. I was literally lol'ing.

I mean, almost literally lol'ing.