Saturday, April 21, 2007

Haxor_Rims has Logged In

Thompson entered my cell. "Listen, Bennet, we need you to do something for us. You see, you may not realize this, but The Company has a very negative reputation in the eyes of the public. Well, those few eyes that we neglected to pluck from the heads of those who stumbled upon our operation, that is. And so we need you to do one last job."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because if you don't, we can revoke your pension."

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, yes we would. You can say goodbye to your dreams of yachting off the coast of Malibu."

"Not Malibu! You can't take that away from me. I've given everything to this company!"

"What about Claire?"

"I mean...Not Malibu! You can't take that away from me. I've given mostly everything to this company!"

"Don't you want to hear what the job is first?"

"Unless it's participating in a sequel to a lame reality show in an effort to claim the ultimate prize and title for Primatech, I'm not interested!"

"Hmm...well we were planning to have you host an environmental banquet for us, but that sounds much more important. Consider yourself a participant in the next Last Gladiator Standing!"

"But out of the thousands of applicants..."

"There's only like 20."

"Spanning the entire Universe..."

"The Universe is shrinking."

"With skills beyond that of any paper salesman..."

"Telepathy is overrated."

"What makes you think they'd pick me as a contestant?"

"You underestimate the power of a paper company. With the deal we can offer them on voting ballots, they can't refuse!"

And so I had no choice but to participate. I had no idea what awaited me. What would it require to win? What is my plan for success? Are there weapons of mass destruction?

These were questions that would have to be answered later. Right now, I had to sign paper work. Lots of paper work.

Important Legal Mumbo Jumbo

  • Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment is not liable for any death or injury during the competition
  • Death does not void your obligation to participate in the competition.
  • Peanut brittle is strictly prohibited.


There was a lot more mumbo jumbo, but I stopped reading after that and signed.

Finally, I was flown in, Jurassic Park style, to Fire Island D. This was my first visit to Hacknor, and you know that feeling you get when you go on a vacation to a new place and think you could see yourself moving there for good? Well, I didn't get that feeling.

Hacknor was not a very lovely place, it seemed more like some poorly-conceived video game world. There was a peninsula, which I later found was called Fire Island 12, and it was a particularly awful place, at least it seemed so from the spacecraft. Perhaps fiery lava pools look more appealing closer up.

But I landed here safely and am now awaiting our first instructions. The rest of the contestants look pretty freaky, and I've seen some major freaks in my time. Let's put it this way, the most normal one is a pretentious pseudo-intellectual in a wheelchair (You can thank Mohinder for that phrasing). But I guess I can't complain. It's better than sitting in my cell at Primatech.

Looks like some mingling might begin soon...

7 comments:

Robin said...

Hey! I'm totally given suing you guys!!! I got a paper cut that hurt for days.

Mr. Bennet said...

Just put some Primatech Brand Paper Cut Ointment on it and you'll be fine.

Nathan Petrelli said...

My stupid campaign manager signed me up for this thing...I hope all I have to do is look good. I've got you beat if that is the case...just kidding...sort of...stop laughing at my pajamas.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hmmm, I suppose Primatech has good paper, though we do usually buy all of ours from Dunder Mifflin.

Synth-Lin said...

Hello Mister Bennet.

Do you know Mister D'Arcy.

I was told that he's really cute.

Oh and hi Robin.

Love you all.

Lin

Mr. Bennet said...

I think you have the wrong Bennet. My name only has one T.

Gyrobo said...

I'm totally jonesin' for some peanut brittle.