Xavier sells some crap

After Jon told us about our new challenge - selling little knick-knacks to the poor innocent spectators at the Gladiator matches - the other contestants and I were taken to the booths outside the arena. I quickly claimed the table next to Dark Jedi Kriss's. If I was going to be stuck doing a dull sales job all day, I at least wanted something to look at.

Since we had just been teammates, I rolled over to her and, as casually as I could, suggested she might want to wear an appropriate uniform. Something that would catch passer-by's eyes. A slave girl costume. Fortunately I happen to carry one around with me. You know, just in case.

My suggestion was made purely as a humanitarian gesture, to assist my former teammate, you understand. My entertainment set, I then turned to my own station. I started unloading the boxes of crap that I was given to sell. I actually did all the manual labor myself. By hand. I absolutely did not take over one of the stadium patron's minds have him do it and I don't care what photographic evidence proving otherwise you say you have Koma. I'm not giving you a penny.

The inventory I was given consisted of several hundred stuffed Monkeyboy dolls. You pull the string and it says one of five phrases, each equally irritating. Great. Like anyone in their right mind is going to want one of these things. I wasn't going to make a penny.

Sighing, I sat back in my chair under the umbrella and watched Kriss perform her magic. I must say, that girl is talented. She certainly knows how to work a bikini. She was doing quite moving her merchandise.

Hours passed and I had mad very few sales. Glancing around at the other competitors, I noticed that a rather long line was forming at Henchman's table. Well that wasn't good news.

I wheeled over for a closer look. There was a small monitor on his table and it was playing some kind of video. I leaned in close and to my shock, I saw Dark Jedi Kriss doing rather improbable things in front of a full-length mirror. Things that were definitely not suitable for a family setting.

I sat back and let him ring up a few hundred in sales and then I called the local Gladiator Law Enforcement Brigade. I took a chance, figuring the selling of adult material in a public venue like a sports arena had to be a crime.

The police arrived shortly and started hassling Henchman. He gave them a lot of attitude back. As a super-villain wanna-be, he's had a lot of experiencing being rousted by The Man. I don't think the police were planning to do anything to him until he started cursing them out. All at once the officers whipped out their Tazars and started zapping him. Then they moved to confiscate his inventory.

While Henchy was distracted, I cleaned out his cash draw and snatched one of the videos for myself. Purely for research purposes, you understand. Then I suggested to Kriss we pool the rest of our goods and work together for the rest of the afternoon. We watched with glee as Henchman was lead away in handcuffs.

Dirty Jedi Kriss.

Ladies and Gents,

This week challenge won't be as fun as the last.

*Sigh*

So Jon start with the yapping.

Jon: For your challenge today, you will be running a concession and souvenir stand here during today’s show.

Henchman: Pfft, big deal. We hand out some popcorn, maybe a few giant foam cowboy hats, then we call it a night.

Jon: You just keep telling yourself that. You can work individually or in teams, but you’ll be working all night. Enjoy the show, everyone.

The problem is these things are never easy. Something always happens, always. I suck it up and head to my station.

As if on cue, I have nothing to sell and I was outside of the Amphitheater.

(JON.....he is so dead.)

I rush out to meet a few venders. I see their promo vids of what they are selling.



I want to back away slowly and call my mommy, but I have no choice. I take the muffins.

I call A.I.M., they boom tube me a half dozen of their Guard kittens.








These help. However, I am losing ground to DJK and Hot Wheels. DJK is wearing her slave outfit.

I don't think I can beat them with this merchandise. I ponder about it. Then it hits me. I made a video when I was in Dark Jedi Kriss's body, in the shower. I was going to save it purely for archival reasons.

(NOT)

I burn 600 copies of Dirty Jedi Kriss.

Click here to see Dirty Jedi Kriss in action.

I get Brak to man the work station, while I get this thing on the Jumbotron. I play the first few seconds and announce the location of my stand.

DJK was to busy with Vadar to notice.


The Former King Vegeta buys about half of my stock.








I was about to ask why and he interupts me.


"One, I get lonely and two, Sayian Chistmas is coming." He gives me the lowdown.


I sell out of the Videos, Guard Kittens and imaginary muffins. I make a killing.


Now, you have to excuse me. I have to get off the planet.



Dental for all.



Dr.Polaris rules.

This is a public service announcement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Your attention, your attention please.

Congratulations on making it to the Final Five, Gladiators. If you look directly to my right (your left) you will notice that the two teams have been combined. Feel free to mingle amongst yourselves.

That is all.

Cotton Candy, It’s Evil!

Do I look like a salesperson to you? Well I ended up as one. I thought saving the galaxy was hard work! Pssssh! Not even close.

I decided to sell cotton candy on mini glowing fake lightsabers. So cute, little hilts and sticks of different colors. My idea. It was hit too. On top of that… Xavier had the idea I should wear my gold slave girl bikini. HE said it would boot sales. Personally I think he just wanted to see me wear it.

I worked hard all day, the crowd never ended, it seemed. I had cotton candy mess in my hair, on my top, everywhere. And I couldn’t stop eating it, either.

It’s additive, you know?

After sneaking bites of this stuff all day I was hyper and my senses were all whack. So I was taking a break sitting down on the floor, trying not to eat more cotton candy when I hear someone tap on the counter impatiently. I sat up on my knees and looked over counter and there he was.

Buckethead.

“What in the Force are you doing here?” I snapped.

Vader shouts at the same time. “What in the Force are you doing here?”

I stood up. “You came here to bother me.”

“I most certainly did not! I was going to buy come cotton candy. I like it,” Vader said, crossing his arms.

“Why? You can’t eat it! How would get in your mouth?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“I find your lack of service to be disturbing.”

I leaned over and popped his helmet. “How’s that for service?”

I scooped up a large bundle of cotton candy and shoved it at him. “I want to see you eat it. And if you whip out a blender, I’ll kill you.” (Can you even blend cotton candy like that?)

He tears off a piece and stares at it. I slapped the counter. “See? I knew it! You can’t eat it! You did come here to bother me! You came to goggle my outfit!”

“Fine. You’re fired,” he snapped.

“Excuse me?”

“I rented the coliseum for this event, so for today I’m your boss. Or was. You are fired,” Vader said.

I jumped over counter and… tried to get in his face. 7 feet to my 5’4, that’s why I say tried. “Who are you? Donald Trump? You can’t fire me, this is contest challenge.”

I gave a whistle. My little Monkeyboy friend jumped out from behind the counter, followed by a few of his pals. These were the guys who didn’t get sucked back in the transporter. They seemed to like me and follow me around a lot.

They were good for security, too.

“Escort Darth Trump out of here!” I shouted.

“You no bother the Queem of the popper! MOOMMOGOGLLAAA!” Monkeyboys shout, swinging their plastic nanners at Vader’s legs. Funniest thing I have seen: Vader attacked by Monkeyboys. He was fighting off the little jumpers all the way out of the coliseum.

I packed up after that and hide out with Xavier for the rest of the afternoon. His sales double in an hour. I don’t know why…

Women troubles

We had to sell things at the coliseum *rolls eyes* I'd much rather be competing inside than out here looking like an idiot in front of a " Jedi Bobble head" stand.. strangely enough they had little outfits too.. Like for the Obi Wan one there was a kilt..

Don't ask about the others.. It got stranger and stranger.. The Vader one even came in pink and blue.

The absolute weirdest thing was seeing yourself made into a bobble head. They had it pretty good I have to say.. right down to my eye color and the glasses. I made sure to set an Anakin one back for DJK though.. she was fighting off people over at her stand..

So I'm standing there not doing anything much in particular.. I had figured how the traffic went.. it started at the top and worked it's way to the bottom.. And guess what?

I was the last stand before the arena.

The advantage was I got to watch the fights.. Amateurs.. I could do much better, give me a shot..

It was whenever I saw Mr. black tin bucket himself whenever I looked towards the stairs and saw her..

Was it Pho? I couldn't honestly tell for sure.. she looked like her from a distance.. As she got closer I could tell it wasn't , which made me blush red as a tomato.. Force.. I think I just took stupidity to a whole new level. Though the com call from Pho didn't help all that much in the way of calmness this morning either.

"Hiya stranger. .whatcha sellin?" she asks me, propping her elbows on the counter .
think .. Think. get your head back together!

" Jedi bobble heads"

On seeing her curious look I point to Vader who is still arguing with DJ.. " see that metal head there?"

She grimaces" yeah.. told me women couldn't fight and I needed to be in the local model agency.. twit.. "

I lifted up one of the pink and blue bobble heads " Well , shows you how much of a baby he really is!"

We both burst laughing.

" You look like you want to be in there not out here huh?"

I nodded" you've got no idea how much.. I love gladiator fights.. not for the blood. .but for the effort and time put into training.. and the only time you get to show it is in the arena.. "

Her eyes went wide slightly.. " You're the first person I've talked to who has realized that.. I.. thank you.."

She lifted her ungauntleted hand and shook mine" I'm Aiashka.. and what would your name be?"

I smiled, doing something I normally ever did for Pho, I turned her hand over and kissed her knuckles gently " I'm Godfrey Zebulon.. Jedi Knight.. "

She smiles" Pleased to meet you Godfrey.. " whatever she was about to say next is cut off by the bell.

" Well I've got to be going.. and since I so ungraciously took up all of your time.. How about one of the bobble heads of you? As my way of sayings thanks for showing me not all the world is blind to the true metal of a gladiator"

As she pressed the credits into my hand, she asked me the one thing I couldn't do" Heya.. after the competition.. what about dinner?"

I shook my head" I'm sorry Aiashka.. That I can't do.. not today anyway.. I'm here on business.."

She turns to walk away but then looks over her shoulder" Well maybe another time then.. "
Just as she is about to re enter the coliseum she walks back and gives me a quick kiss.. totally unexpected.. and no .. it honestly meant nothing to me.. I was too surprised to do anything..

Winking.. she runs back into the arena as her match begins.

And that was in the first 10 minutes

Later on that same hour things got.. weirder. If possible

A couple of gungans walk up and start talking in their own language so fast I can't begin to translate

" It's yousa! it's yousa! yousa da one who saved Maybelienea!"

Long story short: I had to go on a mission to Otoh Gunga When I was a padawan and I saved the gungan princess Maybelienea from a sea monster.. Then I promptly got motion sickness and threw up all over Boss Nass' shoes.. ( at least I think they were shoes .. Too sick to remember)

Then.. oh lord no.. there is Maybelienea .. a grown gungan now.. and apparently..
" it's nice to see you too but there is such a thing for humans called air that's vital!!" I choke out trying to pry her flippers from my neck where she caught me in a bear hug.. If gungans became sith.. we'd all be doomed.. her grip is almost strong as mine..

She finally lets go only to start kissing me to death.. gah. I'm going to need a soak in the Jacuzzi after this.. when she finally lets up.. I have slime all over me and look a mess..

" Yousa be here when we get back? byesss!" they all head inside

Me be here when the games let up? Not even if Vader offered to let me kill him

Finally my last 5 minutes at the stand then I was gone.. straight out of here and as far away from the walking terror as I possibly could be.

Then a little girl walks up.

What is it with women anyway? Any age or species for that matter they seem stuck on me.. I'm not that great am I?

Anyway she comes wandering up ..Wearing royal Alderanian robes.. I recognize her almost immediately.. She's Bail's niece, Morgana.. cutest thing you'd ever see, black hair and blue eyes.

" excuse me myster? can you help me find my unkie bail?"

How could any man in his right mind say no to a cute face like that?

She seems tired so I pick her up and when I do..

She gets sick.. all over me

Poor thing had too much cotton candy to eat probably.. little children shouldn't have that much sugar. I set her down for a second and grab a roll of paper towels and wipe myself off as best as I can before picking her up again. it doesn't take two minutes for me to find Bail ,who's looking everywhere frantically for Morgana.

" Oh there you are!" he says taking her off my hands" She didn't cause you any trouble did she Godfrey?

" Oh her? nope..sweet little angel"

All in all that sums up my day from the sith at the coliseum.. Now if you'll excuse me.. I need a change of clothes and a shower.

Challenge #8

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: Welcome Gladiators to the Final Five and welcome to the Horizon Amphitheater! This gigantic coliseum plays host to the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation) and the site of your next challenge. Congratulations, you have made it to the big show!

Dark Jedi Kriss: We’re competing in there?

Jon: No. For your challenge today, you will be running a concession and souvenir stand here during today’s show.

Professor Xavier: Oh boy.

Mr. Bennett: What do you mean “Oh boy?”

Professor Xavier: I’ve seen what goes on in here and I can assure that it is not pretty.

Godfrey Zebulon: Do you mean the gladiator matches?

Professor Xavier: No, I mean the audience.

Jon: The Professor’s right. This venue hosts visitors from every corner of the mulitverse. Strange and unusual visitors whose idea of “concession” and “souvenir” can be very unusual indeed.

Henchman: Pfft, big deal. We hand out some popcorn, maybe a few giant foam cowboy hats, then we call it a night.

Jon: You just keep telling yourself that. You can work individually or in teams, but you’ll be working all night. Enjoy the show, everyone.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by the Norelco Super 7000. Get your face clean and smooth with the Super 7000.






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Challenge #7, the Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Before I tell you who's geting the boot, I just wanted to mention how proud I am of everyone who made it this far. We are halfway through Last Gladiator Standing II and the competition is turning out to be as strong and powerful as a Valdorian river anaconda.




Of course, one of you will not be involved in the next round of this stiff competition.




Who couldn't stand up to the challenge?




Synth-Lin, you are not the Last gladiator Standing, goodbye.

If you ask me, I think it's because you're a synthetic humanoid. Personally, I've got nothing against artificial intelligence and yet you have to admit that it must be kind of creepy to have her on your team, right? It's called the Uncanny Valley. Look it up.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Snake on a Plane.






Snake on a Plane is a thrilling Chilling Roller Coaster of a ride.


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