Sunday, July 8, 2007

Last Gladiator Standing II: The Last Gladiator Standing is

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete.
Two remain, but there can be only one.
Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

This is it folks, the grand finale. We have ourselves a winner.

And we'll let you know who it is right after these messages.

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We're back. Let's get right to the winner. Our two contestants were Dark Jedi Kriss and Henchman. Two strong contestants who fought to the top of the proverbial mountain. Yes, we have two kings of the mountain here, or rather one king and one queen, and there can only be one. One king or queen of the mountain. And that Mountain is Last Gladiator Standing II.

Let's take a look at the two contestants now, here's the dark Jedi herself, Dark Jedi Kriss.

I watched this machine pop out Monkeyboy after Monkeyboy. The galaxy over run by Monkeyboys? I don’t think so.

Maybe there is away to reverse the machine so it sucks them all back in… but how? I went over avoiding the grabby little things pulling on my robes and trying to jump all over me. As I tried to rip open the cover and look inside a heavey armored Monkeyboy slapped my leg with a plastic banana on the shin.

“Ouch you little-“

“MUUHGGAA! You will not touch the Popper!” he says.

“Step off, Monkey face” I said, shoving him back.

“MUUHGGAAGOOA! Wench! I’ll beat your legs off with the Nanner of Doom!” he said hitting me again, this time in the knee.

The what of what? “I’m going to shove your Nanner of Doom up your…” BAM! He clocked me in the gut with it. Ok, that was it! I whipped out my lightsaber. “You ever seen a Purple People Eater, Monkeyface?”

I ignited the blade.

The Monkeyboy guard wet his pants.

“MUUUGGGGWWAWAWAGHHAAAOOOOOOO! Marry me!” he shouted and grabbed my leg.

“Get off me!”

“MUUHGGAAGOOALOOOOOLLAAAA- LLLAAAA!” He tried to crawl up my side. I tried to swat him off. He held on like Whomp Rat with cheese.

He got up to my chest and looked down. “GOOOOLA-LALA-LAL-MUMAAA!”

Dirty little pervert! I shoved him off me and he ran back, clutching my leg, swinging his plastic nanner with one hand.


Why me I ask? Why me?

I swing back and kicked him and he went flying. He came right back. Right on to the blade of Purple People Eater.


“Sorry fuzz ball,” I muttered. “I anit Queem of no Monkeyboy’s popper!”

I went to transporter and somehow managed to get it to go from pop to suck.

And just sounds bad all around.
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Joan Rivers greets me at the at the end red carpet, microphone in hand.

Joan smiles, her makeup so thick it looked like it would crack. “Oh! Look who we have here! The only female remaining in this contest! DJK! And look at what she has on! It’s short, it’s skimpy, and it’s TOTALLY HOT! How does it feel to make this far?” she gabs poking a microphone in my face.

I cleared my throat and opened my mouth.

Joan cuts me off. “Superb! Do tell us! Are the men on the show nice to you? Do they give you a hard time?”

“Well, they-”

“Wonderful! You are Jedi Knight! How do you get away with competing in LGS?”

“The Jedi Counsel doesn’t min-” I tried to say.

“Splendid! You have such a pretty lightsaber! And it matches! Do you play with it a lot?” she asks.

“I don’t pla-” I started.

“Magnificent! We wish you the best of luck! Now smile at the camera!”

Joan steps back and a camera flashes in my face.

Finally, he took me to a convention and walked me around like I was a prize he had won. I had a fixed smile on my face.

“Hey, baby! Isn’t that you?” the Hoff asked, pointing.

I looked over and almost choked. There was a poster that had Hottest Jedi Knight Babe of the Month with my picture on it! The Hoff grabs it and holds it up.


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I’m going to kill someone.

That was the end of three days of the Hoff. He brought me back to the studio, gave me his number and drove off in a car that looks a lot like the K.I.T.T. car. He tried to jump a supply truck and ended up crashing. I just walked off.

Dark Jedi Kriss everyone, give her a hand. We'll be right back after these messages.

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We're back everyone. You know a hero won't stand a chance when he goes up against a henchman who can lift/press fifty tons, run 245 MPH, and summon a Dark Beast. I'm talking about Henchamn, of course people. Let's take a look.

Hudson: Because it’s training! This is how you become a motivated, dedicated, high speed low drag, super frosty, gung ho deadly killer part of the greatest team that this galaxy has ever laid its eyes on.

Professor X: The X-Men?

Henchman: Advanced Idea Mechanics?

Gyrobo: The Traveling Wilburys?

Some other stuff was spewing out Hudson mouth, but by time time I was lost. I start a slow walk to the course.

"O' no you don't. You get back here maggot." Hudson yells.

What, the imbecile did not call me a maggot. I wake up out of my daydream and make a bee line for Hudson's throat. I am going to tear the nitwit a new cornhole.

Jon gives me a look.


*Adds to list*

1. Monkeyboy Island
2. Hudson

I am going to busy after this game.

"You're not so cool now, huh? I got a different course for you." He spits out.

I ask why.

"Because, I am still paying off my credit card bill." He cries and then he shows me his "map".

Not bad. I spend a day and a half in the shower. Hhmmm....Shower.

While washing DJ Kriss's body. (I felt dirty, haw haw.) I found this spot. It only took me two hands.(I wish I had a map through.)

Much to my chagrin. I had to get out of the shower. (What do chicks do now...)

Lotion.( Sweet)

It's now day three and I am a little bored. I try to think what I should do...(Shower, lotion or play with fun bags.) While those things are great to do. I feel, I am wasting time. Then it hits me. Dress up.

I dress up and head out. Time to see what Hacknor has to offer.

I put on this number and get free drinks and a dinner. I took the guy's number and threw it in the trash.Haw haw.

This outfit get me a very nice watch. However, his wife might be mad. He tore it off of her arm to give it to me.

Wow, DJK might a little P.O.ed after this.

Some Dude makes me a offer, 50 grand to be his "Batgirl". I take his money and leave him on the street.

I head back to my room. I played with DKJ's light saber. I, by mistake wreck my room. I love this thing.

On my last night. I set up a photo shoot. For some of my fans.

I fall out and look at my surrounding. I find out two things.

1. It's in color.

2. It's nice and warm. I scan and see it's Miami in the 80's.

Well the chicks are hot.

I contact M.O.D.O.K.

"Hey Moddy, I am going to have some fun around here for awhile. Keep the "Door" open for a bit ok?" I ask of him.

He replies. "No."

"What?" I asked, I was blown away.

He goes and a tear about, he is the face of A.I.M. No one else should be top dog but him. He destroys the "Door."

I'm stuck here. My clothes are almost gone. I am going to Kill M.O.D.O.K., when I get back. Now I just have to figure how to get back.

Magdalena's ghost comes to me and tells me the only thing that can get me back home is a spoon.

I grab one from a nearby dinner and nothing. I wait...and wait..Nothing. Spoon, why did I need a spoon? Who thinks a spoon will help me.

"SPOON" I scream.

The Tick comes running out of nowhere and breaks a hole in the timesteam. Sending my body to return to Hacknor. and Just in time.

Henchman432, everyone.

I know everyone's itching to find out the winner, so I'm going to give it to you.

Right after I thank the judges.

Summer Dawn, you make a great judge. Thanks for stopping by.

And Skywalker, thanks dog, you tha bomb.

And especially Erifia Apoc. Thanks for being the greatest LGS2 judge ever.

And now the moment everyone has been waiting for.

The winner of Last Gladiator Standing II and a signed copy of Stories of the Unexpected is

None other than...

The person who you will see named below...

Who is...




Dark Jedi Kriss!

Congrats DJK, you are the Last Gladiator Standing.


Godfrey Zebulon said...

*breaks out champagne* Congrats DJK!!! * flips on party music*

Skywalker said...

Congrats, shorty!

Erifia Apoc said...

Thanks Jon, it was an honor.

But this isn't about thank yous. Congratulations DJK. You earned this.

I would also like to give a shout out to all the contestants, thanks for having me, and putting up for me.


Dark Jedi Kriss said...


I won! I won!

I'm so happy!

Good show everyone!

Drinks all around!

Synth-Lin said...


I wanted a draw.

Oh well.

Congratulations Kriss.

Love you all


Darth Vader said...

I knew you would win. Congratulations.

Professor Xavier said...

Well done, Kriss! Congratulations!

Henchman432 said...

Well Done DJK.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

You too, Henchy. Let's go out for a beer, ok?

Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli said...

Congrats.. Dark Jedi...

Noah Bennet said...


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