Challenge #11, Rock The Vote

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete.
Two remain, but there can be only one.
Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

The entries are in, the challenges have been met, two remain but only one can be Last Gladiator Standing.

All contestants, judges, fans, and viewers of this show are invited to email me at joninterglad@hotmail.com with your vote. The winner will be announced Sunday night.

Good luck to both Henchman and Dark Jedi Kriss.

Vote today! Operators are standing by.

Challenge #11

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete.
Two remain, but there can be only one.
Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

"This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the final challenge, the last hoorah, the final countdown. Your toughest challenge yet."

"Oh are we going to pull a challenge out of a hat like last year?"

From behind his back, Jon produces a hat.

"Ta dah!"

"A hat?"

"You got it, Kriss. Within this hat is several pieces of paper; pull one out and read that challenge, Gladiators."

"Heh, maybe I'll get to have a heart to heart with a quack again."

"We'd all be better off if you did, Henchman. That challenge may be in there or maybe you'll be launched out of a cannon or maybe you need to save a planet from a horrific plague. Who knows? Well, that hat knows I guess."

"And the contestants are judging again?"

"That's right, but in addition to all contestants, the viewers get a vote as well. Who will win, the Jedi who's been taking on these last several challenges like gangbusters or the unstoppable cybernetic juggernaut? So, who's choosing first?"

"How about ladies first."

"Thank you."

Dark Jedi Kriss reaches for the hat.

"Oh wait, did I mention that you'll be drawing for your opponent?"

Challenge 10, Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

The judgment is upon you.




After this, it is down to two.



Who's paper selling skills helped him very little on this last challenge?



Mr. Bennet you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

If it's any consolation, I thought that your post was the best one of the batch.


Or at the very least second or third best.


The final challenge is coming up next.

Challenge #10, teh Winnah!

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a rerun of last week.

Dark Jedi Kriss ran away with the votes this week and gains immunity. It must be the sex appeal.

Or maybe she courted the redneck vote.

I never could understand the popularity of Larry the Cable Guy.

At any rate, Kriss, Henchman, and Bennet send in your votes. In the event of a three way tie the winner's vote will be the deciding factor, so none of that "You vote for me, I vote for him, he votes for you" shenanigans.

Challenge #10

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: Welcome Gladiators and congratulations on making the Final Three. Are you ready for the most exciting, dangerous challenge yet?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Sure.

Mr. Bennet: That’s what we’re here for.

Henchman: Meh.

Jon: Then I have I got a surprise for you! You will be excited to see your new guest for this challenge. Contestants, meet Bone Grinder.

Bone Grinder: Hiya Sally.

Mr. Bennet: Er…

Henchman: Uh, hey.

Jon: Bone Grinder’s going to let you know what the Challenge is. Grinder?

Bone Grinder: That’s right ya yellow pantywaists. I’m going to tell you a story, a story about your favorite gladiator and something that happened back in aught two. You see, back then I was throwin’ down for a credit here or a credit there for anyone who would pay. Now, one day I get a call. You know who I get the call from? None other than Jimmy James Taftenhour Junior himself. That’s right, the president of the galactic senate himself called me to his office for an important mollusk shuck. I put a red onion on my belt and headed to the space bus. Them buses used to cost five bees. Gimme a five bees, they’d say and they’d ride that bus to the end of the line and back again. You know what I mean? So I goes to see Jimmy James in the flesh and he’s got to be three metrons tall if he’s a day, and I says to him “Listen here you rat bastard son of a bongdar, you let me know what’s going on here and now, you lay it to me straight ‘cuz I’m not going to take one of your whitewash jobs, do you read me, you tin plated glantag eater!” Well he laughed right then and there, he laughed and laughed and he mumble mumble mumble. He then told me about Nebula Pete and his map of mumble mumble. Nebula Pete had a mumble mumble and they knew that they had to get it. What do you mean you’re out of curly fries? Jimmy James and I rode that steel can all the way to Orion and back looking for that dang interspersal dollywong and we thought we’d get them bandits for sure at the next green trandan. We had Chainsaw, Demonseed and Ironhand. What mop? I don’t have any pudding. We gotta get that mumble mumble before that other plandar drops. You know what I mean?

Bennet: What did he just--?

Bone Grinder: Jimmy James sent me to the space jump mumble mumble I grabbed that ugly little bioped by his fat, gray neck and I said “You look at me! I’m gonna kill you if you don’t drop the prefab postbox.” I have to stop the needle. Where did my socks go?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Is he OK?

Jon: Sure he is, it just looks like his old age has caught up to him. Either that or maybe some powerful telepath has been screwing around with his mind a little too much.

Bone Grinder: I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame? Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!

Jon: There you go, Gladiators. Your challenge is to go on Bone Grinder’s hero’s quest. Kriss, you will go with Charlene “Chainsaw” Thrace, Henchman will accompany Demonseed, and Bennet will go with Ironhand Heynow. Follow Bone Crusher’s directions and accomplish your tasks. Like the last challenge, all contestants and judges will decide the winner. And oh yes, good luck. You’ll need it.

Bone Grinder: Where’s my pudding?

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Challenge #9, Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

OK Gladiators, it's been a long road getting from there to here.



Sorry, promise I won't say that ever again. I mean that I promise that I'll try not to say that. Or at least try to try.


One of you will not be going on to the next challenge.


And that contestant is...


Dark Jedi Kriss
Hold on, check that.


Professor! Nice try but it won't work. She had immunity, remember?

Heh heh, well you can't blame a guy for trying, can you?

Professor Xavier you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

And stay out of my head!

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Troy McClure.







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Challenge #9, The Winner!

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Ladies and Gentlemen, contestants, judges, and sidekicks, the votes are in.



And the winner of Challenge #9 is...





....Wait for it....




..... Are you getting anxious yet?




The winner is...



None other than...



The contestant known as....



Dark Jedi Kriss.


Let this be a lesson folks, sex sells. And by that I mean the nice, wholesome, hot sexiness of good looking, shapely women. Not the creepy old man in a thong sexiness.

Gladiators, cast your votes.

Challenge #9

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

It’s Final Four time, folks, and as you know the Final Four is just like Final Five except it’s one better.

You have a two part challenge this week, so you’re going to have to work just about twice as hard.

Before you begin your challenge, take a look at what you’re wearing. Nice, comfortable clothes right? Well, they won’t work for an Intergalactic Gladiator. Look at you, two of you are wearing a suit and tie, another thinks he’s a beekeeper. What’s up with that? At least dark Jedi Kriss looks like she’s ready for action, that action might be getting thrown around by the cloak, but hey, it’s action, right?

The first part of your challenge, you need to work with our special Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers to get yourself into something a little bit more suitable for combat in the arena.

Once you get your costume together, you need to make your way to the second part. For this you need to make your way to the interview area to meet with the IGE on-air personality. You will do the interview, or “cut a promo” as we call it in the biz, in front of a camera and a live studio audience. Pretty exciting, huh?

We’re going to have a special guest judge for this challenge, and that is…

All of the contestants!

Everyone who was voted off in the previous challenges gets to have a say in who wins this one. Ooops, I guess you shouldn’t have burned all those bridges during the competition, huh?

Alright Gladiators, let’s see what you’ve got.

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Challenge #8, the Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

OK Gladiators, what time is it? It’s contestant kickin’ out time.


Whose salesmanship skills weren’t showing so well at this week’s something somewhere?



Which contestant should have actually tried to sell some stuff at the concession stand?



Godfrey Zebulon, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

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Challenge #8

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: Welcome Gladiators to the Final Five and welcome to the Horizon Amphitheater! This gigantic coliseum plays host to the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation) and the site of your next challenge. Congratulations, you have made it to the big show!

Dark Jedi Kriss: We’re competing in there?

Jon: No. For your challenge today, you will be running a concession and souvenir stand here during today’s show.

Professor Xavier: Oh boy.

Mr. Bennett: What do you mean “Oh boy?”

Professor Xavier: I’ve seen what goes on in here and I can assure that it is not pretty.

Godfrey Zebulon: Do you mean the gladiator matches?

Professor Xavier: No, I mean the audience.

Jon: The Professor’s right. This venue hosts visitors from every corner of the mulitverse. Strange and unusual visitors whose idea of “concession” and “souvenir” can be very unusual indeed.

Henchman: Pfft, big deal. We hand out some popcorn, maybe a few giant foam cowboy hats, then we call it a night.

Jon: You just keep telling yourself that. You can work individually or in teams, but you’ll be working all night. Enjoy the show, everyone.

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Challenge #7, the Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Before I tell you who's geting the boot, I just wanted to mention how proud I am of everyone who made it this far. We are halfway through Last Gladiator Standing II and the competition is turning out to be as strong and powerful as a Valdorian river anaconda.




Of course, one of you will not be involved in the next round of this stiff competition.




Who couldn't stand up to the challenge?




Synth-Lin, you are not the Last gladiator Standing, goodbye.

If you ask me, I think it's because you're a synthetic humanoid. Personally, I've got nothing against artificial intelligence and yet you have to admit that it must be kind of creepy to have her on your team, right? It's called the Uncanny Valley. Look it up.

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Challenge #7

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: OK, Gladiators, please move along nicely into this room.

Henchman: This room looks familiar.

Professor X: I recognize this as well. Jon, that gender-changing ray isn't in here, is it?

Jon: No no, of course not. Don't be silly.

The contestants are suddenly bathed in an unusual ray.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Something doesn't feel right here.

Mr. Bennet: You're right, I fell a bit... shorter.

Synth-Lin: I'm taller. And my voice is deeper!

Jon: Each of your minds was transfered into another Gladiator's body. Your challenge is to live in that new body for one week.

Godfrey: One week?

Jon: Well, you know, give or take. It's not an exact science. Here's the breakdown of how your minds got moved:

Dark Jedi Kriss is now in Professor Xavier's body.

Godfrey is now in Mr. Bennet's body.

Professor X is now in Henchman's body.

Henchman is now in Dark Jedi Kriss' body.

Mr. Bennet is now in Synth-Lin's body.

And Synth-Lin is in Godfrey's body.

Henchman: Cool, look what I got!

Dark Jedi Kriss: Don't you dare! Don't you even touch them!

Henchman: Hey, it's going to be a week. I'm going to have to wash them.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Fine but no funny business.

Henchman: Maybe I'll wash 'em a bunch of times. Heh heh.

Jon: Good luck on the challenge Gladiators. You will have a special guest judge this week as well. Your judge is Anakin Skywalker.

Synth-Lin: This is really creepy. You sure everything will be all right in a week?

Jon: Of course, everything will be back to normal at the end of this challenge.

Dark Jedo Kriss: It better be.

Professor Xavier: Don't worry, everyone, I have the upmost confidence in Jon and his challenge here. I am sure everything will be fine.

Jon: Thank you, Professor.

Professor Xavier: And if it isn't, I can just transfer his mind into the body of a monkeyboy.

Jon: Ulp.

Challenge #6, Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Well Gladiators, looks like this candidate lost by a landslide.




Who among you is incapable of leading a pig to a poke?



Who thinks he's all smooth but is really a big fat jerk?





That's right, it's Rummy.



Er, I mean, uh, he wasn't a participant, was he?



Heh heh.




Whose turn is it to fly on out of here?



Nathan Petrelli, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.
Stay tuned for Challenge #7.

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Challenge #6

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Welcome to the next challenge, Gladiators. I know some of the past challenges have been a little crazy, but this one will be a just a little more conventional.


Galacta, Queen of the Galaxy is visiting Planet Hacknor. It is your job to entertain her.


Work with your teammates to put on a variety show for the Queen. Use whatever talents you have: sing, tap dance, juggle, tell jokes, do a soliloquy, the sky's the limit.


We have a celebrity guest judge for this challenge as well. Summer O'Ciardha has graciously accepted the task of judging this round.

There you go, kids. Time for the show to go on.

Challenge #5, Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

OK Gladiators, everyone did an adequate job of handling the monkeyboy problem on Fire Island M.




I'm talkin' fair to midland here.





Someone's going to have to continue his monkeyshines back home though.




Whose post drove everyone bananas?




It's time for one of you to split -- banana split, that is.




Gyrobo, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

Stay tuned for the next challenge.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Resevoir Heroes.





See resevoir Heroes today!

Challenge #5

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: We have another emergency situation, contestants. I know it’s unbelievable, but it’s true. There was a transporter malfunction at the Monkeyboy Embassy on Fire Island M (the M stands for Monkeyboy)!

Synth-Lyn: who would give monkeyboys a transporter?

Jon: I have no idea, but what is important is that monkeyboys are being replicated all across the island! More and more are coming through by the second and the whole island will soon be choked by an insane amount of these bizarre anthropomorphic unfunny creatures.

Mr. Bennet: So that’s not a big deal, right? They’ll just fill up that one island.

Henchman (smacking fist): I hope they all drown like stupid lemmings.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Yes, but they don’t deserve to die. They’re kind of cute.

Henchman: What? You think monkeyboys are cute?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Ew no way, I was talking about the lemmings.

Gyrobo: I once had a monkeyboy. No wait, it was a toaster. It caught fire after I tried to toast rice cakes in it. Barry Goldwater was pissed.

Nathan Petrelli: We may have to just cut our losses and nuke the whole site from orbit.

Professor Xavier: While normally I don’t approve the notion of excess violence, I would have to concur that nuking a horde of monkeyboys would indeed be for the greater good.

Mr. Bennet: I’ll pull the trigger. One time at the paper mill, I had to shoot my boss right in the hea—er, once I shot him a memo. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Jon: No, no, even though nuking them from orbit does sound like a great idea, there’s no guarantee that the explosion would shut down the teleporter. If this calamity continues, the monkeyboys would soon overrun the planet. They’ll eat all the banana and banana-flavored foods, throw mud at everyone, and just generally stink up the whole place until it’s completely uninhabitable. We need you contestants to go in there and press the recall button on the transporter to send them all back.

The monkeyboys apparently are being synthesized by the transporter, so they’re not being teleported in from anywhere and whether or not they are actually “alive” is something for the philosophers to debate. What’s most important is that they’re sent back through the machine into the nothingness from which they came before they become a terrible burden on this galaxy.

Henchman (cocking an automatic rifle): Oh yeah, time for me to shine.

Godfrey Zebulon: You’re not going to shoot them all are you?

Henchman: Only the ones who get in my way. Or the ones trying to get out of my way.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Maybe we could just take control of their minds and get them back in the machine.

Jon: Ah, that probably won’t work too well. Monkeyboys seem to be incredibly resistant to mind control, as the Professor could attest.

Professor X: It’s like trying to scoop a handful of water out of an empty bucket.

Jon: Another thing that I must warn you about the monkeyboys is their incredible unpredictability. They have some sort of morphic ability, a horrifically juvenile mindset and a terrifying penchant for wacky physical humor. Gladiators, proceed with caution. You have the marine dropships and hovercycles at your disposal; use any powers or abilities that you have if you can.

Gyrobo: Non sequitur!

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Challenge #4, Judgement

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

OK Gladiators, your votes have been counted.




One of you will not be going on to the next round.



Who will it be?




Who will be going home in dishonor?



Who, despite being the bastard loveclone of one of the galaxy's mightiest heroes and Earth's greatest scientific mind just could quite negotiate the obstacle course?



Did that give it away?



Superboy, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

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Challenge #4

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

Jon: Welcome contestants, this next challenge could conceivably be the most challenging yet. To give you your briefing, we’ve called in the heavy firepower. So without further ado, I give you Private Hudson.

Hudson: Atyennnnn-Hyut! Listen up, it’s time to get frosty. I am your senior drill instructor Private Hudson and you will listen to me good. Your daddies are not here and your mommies are not here for you, for this challenge I will be your daddy and your mommy. You! Suck in your gut!

(Petrelli sucks in his gut)

Hudson: Stick out your chest!

(Synth Lyn sticks out her chest)

Hudson: You! Stick out your chest, too.

(Dark Jedi Kriss sticks out her chest)

Hudson: Further!

(Dark Jedi Kriss grumbles and sticks out her chest further.

Hudson: You! Stand at attention!

Professor X: Ahem.

Hudson: Oh, uh. Gosh I’m sorry Professor, I forgot for a minute there. I guess you can just sit there at attention. Uh, or comfortably, sit comfortably. How are you feeling?

Godfrey Zebulon: Are you going to tell us our challenge?

Hudson: Atyennnn-hyut! You will only speak when spoken to!

Zebulon: You do realize that I outrank you, don’t you?

Hudson: Ulp! Ah, OK, here’s the challenge. Through that gate is the most dangerous obstacle course ever devised by the Colonial Marine Training and Doctrine Command, the CoMTrDoC. There are many paths to take, but each one is more dangerous than the last! (Well, not really, but that sounds cool when I say it, doesn’t it?). There are trenches, flame throwers, swinging blades, raging rivers, deadly quicksand, Malaysian tiger traps, Scandinavian yak traps, and a giant slide of green slime. You name it, it’s in there. In fact, very few Colonial Marines who go through that come out in one piece!

Kon-El: Pfft, that seems stupid, why put them through it if it’s just gonna hurt ‘em all?

(Hudson stands there dumbfounded for several minutes.)

Hudson: Because it’s training! This is how you become a motivated, dedicated, high speed low drag, super frosty, gung ho deadly killer part of the greatest team that this galaxy has ever laid its eyes on.

Professor X: The X-Men?

Henchman: Advanced Idea Mechanics?

Gyrobo: The Traveling Wilburys?

Hudson: No! The Colonial Marines!

Mr. Bennet: Hey, I understand motivation. One time, down at the mill I had to train three interns. I tell you, that was tough. Do you know most people don’t know the first thing about watermarking?

Hudson: Enough! Argh! Just go! Everyone run through the obstacle course so you can be just like a Colonial Marine.

Petrelli (muttering): Who’d want to be?

Gyrobo: Non sequitur!