Last Gladiator Standing II

Taking care of Business and working overtime.

2007-07-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

DJK won. I am happy for her. It was a well fought game. However, I have some unfinished business.

First up is Monkeyboy Island.

Next.

Now Hudson.

He tried to screw me this time around. I don't like that. I won't kill him, cause that might upset Jon.

So I hired someone to do it for me.

Meet Q Bone.

Dental for all.

M.O.D.O.K. sucks.

Last Gladiator Standing II: The Last Gladiator Standing is

2007-07-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, twelve brave contestants will compete.
Two remain, but there can be only one.
Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

This is it folks, the grand finale. We have ourselves a winner.

And we'll let you know who it is right after these messages.

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We're back. Let's get right to the winner. Our two contestants were Dark Jedi Kriss and Henchman. Two strong contestants who fought to the top of the proverbial mountain. Yes, we have two kings of the mountain here, or rather one king and one queen, and there can only be one. One king or queen of the mountain. And that Mountain is Last Gladiator Standing II.

Let's take a look at the two contestants now, here's the dark Jedi herself, Dark Jedi Kriss.

I watched this machine pop out Monkeyboy after Monkeyboy. The galaxy over run by Monkeyboys? I don’t think so.

Maybe there is away to reverse the machine so it sucks them all back in… but how? I went over avoiding the grabby little things pulling on my robes and trying to jump all over me. As I tried to rip open the cover and look inside a heavey armored Monkeyboy slapped my leg with a plastic banana on the shin.

“Ouch you little-“

“MUUHGGAA! You will not touch the Popper!” he says.

“Step off, Monkey face” I said, shoving him back.

“MUUHGGAAGOOA! Wench! I’ll beat your legs off with the Nanner of Doom!” he said hitting me again, this time in the knee.

The what of what? “I’m going to shove your Nanner of Doom up your…” BAM! He clocked me in the gut with it. Ok, that was it! I whipped out my lightsaber. “You ever seen a Purple People Eater, Monkeyface?”

I ignited the blade.

The Monkeyboy guard wet his pants.

“MUUUGGGGWWAWAWAGHHAAAOOOOOOO! Marry me!” he shouted and grabbed my leg.

“Get off me!”

“MUUHGGAAGOOALOOOOOLLAAAA- LLLAAAA!” He tried to crawl up my side. I tried to swat him off. He held on like Whomp Rat with cheese.

He got up to my chest and looked down. “GOOOOLA-LALA-LAL-MUMAAA!”

Dirty little pervert! I shoved him off me and he ran back, clutching my leg, swinging his plastic nanner with one hand.

“MUGGLALALA QUEEM OF DA POPPER!”

Why me I ask? Why me?

I swing back and kicked him and he went flying. He came right back. Right on to the blade of Purple People Eater.

“MUOOGLAA… “

“Sorry fuzz ball,” I muttered. “I anit Queem of no Monkeyboy’s popper!”

I went to transporter and somehow managed to get it to go from pop to suck.

And just sounds bad all around.

Joan Rivers greets me at the at the end red carpet, microphone in hand.

Joan smiles, her makeup so thick it looked like it would crack. “Oh! Look who we have here! The only female remaining in this contest! DJK! And look at what she has on! It’s short, it’s skimpy, and it’s TOTALLY HOT! How does it feel to make this far?” she gabs poking a microphone in my face.

I cleared my throat and opened my mouth.

Joan cuts me off. “Superb! Do tell us! Are the men on the show nice to you? Do they give you a hard time?”

“Well, they-”

“Wonderful! You are Jedi Knight! How do you get away with competing in LGS?”

“The Jedi Counsel doesn’t min-” I tried to say.

“Splendid! You have such a pretty lightsaber! And it matches! Do you play with it a lot?” she asks.

“I don’t pla-” I started.

“Magnificent! We wish you the best of luck! Now smile at the camera!”

Joan steps back and a camera flashes in my face.

Finally, he took me to a convention and walked me around like I was a prize he had won. I had a fixed smile on my face.

“Hey, baby! Isn’t that you?” the Hoff asked, pointing.

I looked over and almost choked. There was a poster that had Hottest Jedi Knight Babe of the Month with my picture on it! The Hoff grabs it and holds it up.

“WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAAWWTTTT!”

I’m going to kill someone.

That was the end of three days of the Hoff. He brought me back to the studio, gave me his number and drove off in a car that looks a lot like the K.I.T.T. car. He tried to jump a supply truck and ended up crashing. I just walked off.

Dark Jedi Kriss everyone, give her a hand. We'll be right back after these messages.

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We're back everyone. You know a hero won't stand a chance when he goes up against a henchman who can lift/press fifty tons, run 245 MPH, and summon a Dark Beast. I'm talking about Henchamn, of course people. Let's take a look.

Hudson: Because it’s training! This is how you become a motivated, dedicated, high speed low drag, super frosty, gung ho deadly killer part of the greatest team that this galaxy has ever laid its eyes on.

Professor X: The X-Men?

Henchman: Advanced Idea Mechanics?

Gyrobo: The Traveling Wilburys?

Some other stuff was spewing out Hudson mouth, but by time time I was lost. I start a slow walk to the course.

"O' no you don't. You get back here maggot." Hudson yells.

What, the imbecile did not call me a maggot. I wake up out of my daydream and make a bee line for Hudson's throat. I am going to tear the nitwit a new cornhole.

Jon gives me a look.

Fine.

*Adds to list*

1. Monkeyboy Island
2. Hudson

I am going to busy after this game.

"You're not so cool now, huh? I got a different course for you." He spits out.

I ask why.

"Because, I am still paying off my credit card bill." He cries and then he shows me his "map".

Not bad. I spend a day and a half in the shower. Hhmmm....Shower.

While washing DJ Kriss's body. (I felt dirty, haw haw.) I found this spot. It only took me two hands.(I wish I had a map through.)

Much to my chagrin. I had to get out of the shower. (What do chicks do now...)

Lotion.( Sweet)

It's now day three and I am a little bored. I try to think what I should do...(Shower, lotion or play with fun bags.) While those things are great to do. I feel, I am wasting time. Then it hits me. Dress up.

I dress up and head out. Time to see what Hacknor has to offer.

I put on this number and get free drinks and a dinner. I took the guy's number and threw it in the trash.Haw haw.

This outfit get me a very nice watch. However, his wife might be mad. He tore it off of her arm to give it to me.

Wow, DJK might a little P.O.ed after this.

Some Dude makes me a offer, 50 grand to be his "Batgirl". I take his money and leave him on the street.

I head back to my room. I played with DKJ's light saber. I, by mistake wreck my room. I love this thing.

On my last night. I set up a photo shoot. For some of my fans.

I fall out and look at my surrounding. I find out two things.

1. It's in color.

2. It's nice and warm. I scan and see it's Miami in the 80's.

Well the chicks are hot.

I contact M.O.D.O.K.

"Hey Moddy, I am going to have some fun around here for awhile. Keep the "Door" open for a bit ok?" I ask of him.

He replies. "No."

"What?" I asked, I was blown away.

He goes and a tear about, he is the face of A.I.M. No one else should be top dog but him. He destroys the "Door."

I'm stuck here. My clothes are almost gone. I am going to Kill M.O.D.O.K., when I get back. Now I just have to figure how to get back.

Magdalena's ghost comes to me and tells me the only thing that can get me back home is a spoon.

I grab one from a nearby dinner and nothing. I wait...and wait..Nothing. Spoon, why did I need a spoon? Who thinks a spoon will help me.

"SPOON" I scream.

The Tick comes running out of nowhere and breaks a hole in the timesteam. Sending my body to return to Hacknor. and Just in time.

Henchman432, everyone.

I know everyone's itching to find out the winner, so I'm going to give it to you.

Right after I thank the judges.

Summer Dawn, you make a great judge. Thanks for stopping by.

And Skywalker, thanks dog, you tha bomb.

And especially Erifia Apoc. Thanks for being the greatest LGS2 judge ever.

And now the moment everyone has been waiting for.

The winner of Last Gladiator Standing II and a signed copy of Stories of the Unexpected is

None other than...

The person who you will see named below...

Who is...

none...

other...

than...

Dark Jedi Kriss!

Congrats DJK, you are the Last Gladiator Standing.

Challenge #11, Rock The Vote

2007-07-06T12:26:00.000-05:00

The entries are in, the challenges have been met, two remain but only one can be Last Gladiator Standing.

All contestants, judges, fans, and viewers of this show are invited to email me at joninterglad@hotmail.com with your vote. The winner will be announced Sunday night.

Good luck to both Henchman and Dark Jedi Kriss.

Vote today! Operators are standing by.

Time trippin'

2007-07-05T18:22:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

For the final throw down. Dark Jedi Kriss picked my Challenge.

Joy.

" You will go on a pilgrimage to the past."

That means time travel. ( I hate time travel, I always come back with a rash.)

"There you will make a life-changing decision you must stick to for the rest of your life. Must be major, changing your hair color won’t work.Must be profound."

Gee, like what? I going to stop being a supervillain henchman? I think not. (Even the heroes don't act like heroes anymore. I'm looking at you, Iron Man.)

"In this pilgrimage there must be:a door you go through three times."

(A door and going through three times...? WTF? you have to be kidding me.)

"A ghost (not Petrelil, don’t even try it)"

(I wouldn't even dare to try and talk to Petrelil, he's a perv.)

"A spoon."

(Huh?)

"And you must lose one article of clothing for every hour you are in the past.I know what you are thinking. What the polly-wog-a-ding-dong was she thinking?I’m was thinking Hench will be in his underpants when he comes back.I’m counting on it.Good luck, honey bee."

(Great. So she is a prev also. Was there anyone in this contest at isn't. Ok, yes I am a perv too. There are you happy.)

I check the grounds of the LGS compound and there is no time travel gear here. (Shocker.) I call the one person who has always helped me out in a jam.

M.O.D.O.K.

He has always been at my side. When I needed anything, Bam it was there. Even though with LGS I, Amazing Mutant Race 3 and LGS II, I have become the face of A.I.M. He has gotten jealous. He's my bud.

Moddy boom tubes, himself and something called a "Time Travel Door". (Wow, that's weird.)

I step in and end up in to...Feudal Japan.

To the times of Shogan's and Warlords. (Sweet, I'm going to run this land.)

I head to the top of the hill and see nothing great. It's a small village. The next town is miles away and I don't speak the language. (Frag) This sucks, I walk around of a bit and feel something strange. My gloves disappears. (Omg, she wasn't joking.) I see the next "Time Door". I make a sprint for it. I jump in and...

End up in the 1930's. Well, this is a little better. People here know, I am not so freak speaking gibberish.

"Hey Mister, where are ya' pants." A half pint yells out.

Great, I jog to the nearest men's store and steal a pair of pants. Now the fuzz is after me. The moment I landed here. I just wanted to hang at a speak easy and pick a dame. Before I can plan on doing anything in this timeline. The "Door" appears.

I fall out and look at my surrounding. I find out two things.

1. It's in color.

2. It's nice and warm. I scan and see it's Miami in the 80's.

Well the chicks are hot.

I contact M.O.D.O.K.

"Hey Moddy, I am going to have some fun around here for awhile. Keep the "Door" open for a bit ok?" I ask of him.

He replies. "No."

"What?" I asked, I was blown away.

He goes and a tear about, he is the face of A.I.M. No one else should be top dog but him. He destroys the "Door."

I'm stuck here. My clothes are almost gone. I am going to Kill M.O.D.O.K., when I get back. Now I just have to figure how to get back.

Magdalena's ghost comes to me and tells me the only thing that can get me back home is a spoon.

I grab one from a nearby dinner and nothing. I wait...and wait..Nothing. Spoon, why did I need a spoon? Who thinks a spoon will help me.

"SPOON" I scream.

The Tick comes running out of nowhere and breaks a hole in the timesteam. Sending my body to return to Hacknor. and Just in time.

My betrayal by M.O.D.O.K. will make me change my tag line.

Denatl for All.

M.O.D.O.K. sucks.

Three Days of the Hoff

2007-07-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

Three days of the Hoff, huh? I grew up on Knight Rider, baby, I know what the Hoff likes! He thinks himself to be a real ladies man. Stoke that ego! It’s the only way to survive!

The Hoff comes to pick me up. I’m waiting outside the LGS studio for him, tapping my foot. He was late. Soon I see him running up. Time to perform.

“Hey, baby, I’m the Hoff!”

I smiled, clasped my hands together and start gushing like the girls who run after Anakin screaming: Like, OMG, he is so cute! First words out of my mouth: “I love Knight Rider! It’s my fave show EVER!”

“You rock, cutie! And you got good taste! Come on, you strangely dressed but hot looking woman.”

Now when the Hoff drives, its disturbing. He tells bad jokes and laughs a lot.

“What do termites eat for breakfast? Oakmeal!”

Hilarious! Not!

Over the next day The Hoff made friends with the Monkeyboy leader that follows me all over LGS studios. He popped out my pack and they hit it off so well I was ignored for hours. I was thankful for that. I needed a breather.

We went to an award ceremony. He won for Biggest Ego on The Planet. He was thrilled. The Hoff broke down, literally. I wanted to leave. Side note: the judges have obviously never met Vader. The Hoff wouldn’t have won.

“You love me, you really love me!” he cried.

Finally, he took me to a convention and walked me around like I was a prize he had won. I had a fixed smile on my face.

“Hey, baby! Isn’t that you?” the Hoff asked, pointing.

I looked over and almost choked. There was a poster that had Hottest Jedi Knight Babe of the Month with my picture on it! The Hoff grabs it and holds it up.

“WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAAWWTTTT!”

I’m going to kill someone.

That was the end of three days of the Hoff. He brought me back to the studio, gave me his number and drove off in a car that looks a lot like the K.I.T.T. car. He tried to jump a supply truck and ended up crashing. I just walked off.

I did hear from someone that he hung the poster up in his office. Nice. Hope he enjoys the Imperial visit he is going to get later.

Thanks everyone! I have enjoyed competing in this show. Vote for me!

(Thanks to Xavier for giving me the slave pic he made.)

Hench’s Challenge

2007-07-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

Your challenge is this:

You will go on a pilgrimage to the past.

There you will make a life-changing decision you must stick to for the rest of your life. Must be major, changing your hair color won’t work. Must be profound.

In this pilgrimage there must be:

a door you go through three times,

a ghost (not Petrelil, don’t even try it),

a spoon,

and you must lose one article of clothing for every hour you are in the past.

I know what you are thinking. What the polly-wog-a-ding-dong was she thinking? I’m was thinking Hench will be in his underpants when he comes back.

I’m counting on it.

Good luck, honey bee.

Hat pick

2007-07-02T21:51:00.001-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

For the final challenge. Dark Jedi Kriss and I, have to pick each other quests. DJK picks and hide the piece of paper.

Not good.

I feel nervous, I need all the luck I can get.

I shove my hand in.

I pick out a piece and read.

You must live three days...Of the Hoff.

You will live a total of three different days of Mr. David Hasseloff.

Ha.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Challenge #11

2007-07-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

"This is it, ladies and gentlemen. This is the final challenge, the last hoorah, the final countdown. Your toughest challenge yet."

"Oh are we going to pull a challenge out of a hat like last year?"

From behind his back, Jon produces a hat.

"Ta dah!"

"A hat?"

"You got it, Kriss. Within this hat is several pieces of paper; pull one out and read that challenge, Gladiators."

"Heh, maybe I'll get to have a heart to heart with a quack again."

"We'd all be better off if you did, Henchman. That challenge may be in there or maybe you'll be launched out of a cannon or maybe you need to save a planet from a horrific plague. Who knows? Well, that hat knows I guess."

"And the contestants are judging again?"

"That's right, but in addition to all contestants, the viewers get a vote as well. Who will win, the Jedi who's been taking on these last several challenges like gangbusters or the unstoppable cybernetic juggernaut? So, who's choosing first?"

"How about ladies first."

"Thank you."

Dark Jedi Kriss reaches for the hat.

"Oh wait, did I mention that you'll be drawing for your opponent?"

Challenge 10, Judgement

2007-07-01T20:56:00.000-05:00

The challenge has been cast. The gauntlet thrown down. Many have been called, few have answered. On the planet Hacknor... On Fire Island D, brave contestants will compete. Who will falter? Who will thrive? Who will be

The judgment is upon you.

After this, it is down to two.

Who's paper selling skills helped him very little on this last challenge?

Mr. Bennet you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

If it's any consolation, I thought that your post was the best one of the batch.

Or at the very least second or third best.

The final challenge is coming up next.

Challenge #10, teh Winnah!

2007-07-01T08:38:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a rerun of last week.

Dark Jedi Kriss ran away with the votes this week and gains immunity. It must be the sex appeal.

Or maybe she courted the redneck vote.

I never could understand the popularity of Larry the Cable Guy.

At any rate, Kriss, Henchman, and Bennet send in your votes. In the event of a three way tie the winner's vote will be the deciding factor, so none of that "You vote for me, I vote for him, he votes for you" shenanigans.

Mission Ten

2007-06-29T15:44:00.000-05:00

Mr. Bennet listens to the babbling of an idiot challenge-giver (No, not Jon)....

"I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame?" his siren voice rhetorically asked. Bone Grinder continued, "Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

This man made little sense. It was as though Professor X and Jon had their own intergalactic gladiator baby who grew into a retired retard with a penchant for rhetorical speech lacking in meaning, coherency and effective hyperbole.

"Yeah," I said, "I'm not doing this challenge." I made my way back to the barracks.

Suddenly, the door was knocked down. An elderly fellow with a large spiked metal hand and an apparent lack of body skin made his way into my quarters.

"Hey, now!" I protested his entrance.

"Please, call me Ironhand," he said. "I'm a wealthy and eccentric, yet skinless freak, who has the privileged destiny of assisting you on your quest. So, when are we leaving?"

"Leaving? We can't go anywhere. I've been unemployed for weeks now, ever since I shot my boss in the head. I have to start a job search. I have to support my family."

"That's your uncle talking," Ironhand said, "You're going to need my help if you're to find the Noob Lager."

"Noob Lager? Gah! I can't waste my time with that. I have to find a job. I'm almost bankrupt!" I left the room and headed down to the barracks computer room, bringing along some peanut brittle on which to snack. Once there I started my job search, but before I could polish my resume with some top quality BS, Jon came in with two lawyers.

"Bennet," he said, "We have a problem. You signed a contract. You have to do the challenge."

"Oh, come on. It's just a stupid contract," I said.

Then, the bulkier of the two lawyers slapped the peanut brittle out of my hand and yelled, "That contract is ironclad, baby! You breach and the penalty will be so large your grandchildren will still be paying it off."

"Ah, you've returned," Ironhand said as I sulked through the doorway. "Cheer up, I've got something for you." He handed me a box. It was the worst wrapping job I'd ever seen! I quickly opened the atrocious package to discover that inside was a gold-plated fountain pen."

"Wow, how pen-like in nature," I thanked him.

"I knew you'd like it. It belonged to your father."

"You knew my father?" I gasped.

"No," he replied.

I decided to try the pen out. I lifted it up to my face to lick the point as I had seen done in movies, but Ironhand iron-slapped me. "Don't do that. What are you? Retarded? Now, let's get going."

A couple hours later, we arrived at our destination. "There," Ironhand said and pointed his spikey metal hand at the looming gate. "The Noob Lager is in there."

As we approached, I could see a crowd of people. They were studying a creature.

"Hey," one of the people called out, "You two don't look like Dinosaur experts. This park is closed to the public. Only professionals are allowed inside to examine its attractions."

"Here," Ironhand said as he ironhanded me a folder. "Use this. It'll make you look like an expert."

I grabbed the folder and began to impress the crowd with my dino knowledge. "I am Dr. Bennet, paleolithographologist with a minor in culinary arts."

"Oh, yeah? If you're an expert, then you should know how many years ago Dinosaurs walked the Earth."

"Think back to your early teachings," Ironhand suggested.

I thought long and hard. "Well, I guess they were created on the 6th day of creation, about 6,000 years ago."

"Wrong!"

Crap! Religion had failed me yet again. The crowd started getting uppity. I sensed they were about to forcibly remove us from the park.

"We're about to forcibly remove you from the park!" one threatened.

It was just as I feared! They moved closer. But suddenly Ironhand lept into the air and struck his mighty iron fist into the creature. It fell down dead. The crowd stared in amazement.

Their leader put his hands out and said, "What the Hell did you do that for?"

"If I wasn't a dinosaur expert, how would I have killed this great beast?" Ironhand asked.

The crowd mumbled amongst themselves. Their heads nodded and we were able to pass.

"Nice one," I said. We walked through the jungle. "So, I was thinking, this pen is nice and all, but I'd feel kind of vulnerable fending off dinosaurs with it. Maybe I should try out a sword."

"Nonsense," Ironhand replied, "Here, use this shield." He picked up a fancy Roman-style shield leaning up against a nearby tree.

"Well, okay, this helps. But as far as attacking goes, you think this pen will work?"

He didn't reply. We continued our trek in silence. But the silence was suddenly broken by a distant scream, "Hey! Where's my shield? Nice, dino.....AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Finally, we arrived at a building. We snuck inside. Hiding behind a water cooler, I could see the building was infested with Velociraptors.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"Sheesh, you damn sissy. We're almost to the Noob Lager and you're still expecting me to do everything?"

"I just thought you may have a plan."

He got up and ran toward the nearest Raptor. "Hey, you don't look very scary," he yelled at it, "More like a six foot turkey." And that's when the attack came, not from the front, but from the sides, the other two Raptors, he didn't even know were there.

"NoOOoOocooOOoOOO~!" I screamed. The Raptors turned toward me and I decided it was time for a good fleeing. Unfortunately, the animals chased after me. I made it to a door just in time. I opened it and slid inside the room. Several thuds sounded, then the creatures began scratching at the door. I looked around; it seemed I was in a kitchen.

But before I could prepare myself some Chicken Cordon Bleu, I noticed two Raptors sniffing around inside the kitchen. They hadn't noticed me yet, so I quickly ducked behind a metal counter. I peeked around from my hiding spot and saw the beasts. One was drinking from a glass....it was the Noob Lager!

"Use the Pen," a voice called out.

"Shhh!" I said.

"Noah, use the Pen!" I recognized the voice. It was Ironhand.

"Not now," I whispered, "They're right there."

"Yoo hoo!" the posthumous Ironhand voice hollered. The Raptors turned and began approaching me. "Hehehe, now maybe you'll use the pen, eh?"

I jumped up and stuck out the pen, "Back!" I yelled.

The Velociraptor bit the pen in half. In a panic, I turned and ran, tossing the other half of the pen behind me. The other Velociraptor leaped forward, devouring the pen-half in midair. His landing shook the room and I fell into some pots and pans. This was the end, I thought. I survived the ruthless paper business to be eaten by dinosaurs in a theme park kitchen. But before I could say, "Oh, woe is me," the two beasts fell to the floor with two great thuds.

"Poisonous ink," Ironhand said, his spirit appearing in front of me. "Now, go, drink the Noob Lager."

So, I did. I drank it all and passed out. When I woke up, I had a new job!

Five Bees...For What?

2007-06-28T11:44:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents.

This week we get a quest from a incontinent, incoherent Dum dum.

Jon: "There you go, Gladiators. Your challenge is to go on Bone Grinder’s hero’s quest. Kriss, you will go with Charlene “Chainsaw” Thrace, Henchman will accompany Demonseed, and Bennet will go with Ironhand Heynow. Follow Bone Crusher’s directions and accomplish your tasks. Like the last challenge, all contestants and judges will decide the winner. And oh yes, good luck. You’ll need it. "

I get the joy of being accompanied by Demonseed.

"Oooooh yeeeah!" He shouts. "The madness is runnin' wild!"

I ask "Hey Chuckles, do you know what the heck Bone Grinder was talking about."

D.S.:"The tower of power, too sweet to be sour, ohhhh yeahh!"

HM: "So we have to get to a Tower? Do you know where it is?"

DS: "I've been everywhere from soaring with the eagles to slithering with the snakes."

HM: "Okay...Lets get to the ship.Space it is."

DS: "Oooooh yeeeah!"

(If this Goofy Little Bastard keeps up with this. I am plugging him into the torpedo hole.)

We blast off to find the Tower of power. I check the onboard Cpu for info about Jimmy James Taftenhour Junior the president of the galactic senate .It seems he disappered a while back. Hhmm..Strange.

I am in deep thought,trying to come up with a plan. Like clockwork I hear.

DS: "We're in space and space is the place!"

HM: "Great, Thanks. I really didn't where we were at all.Aren't you hungry"

DS: "Snap into a Slim Jim!"

HM: "You do that." (Why? I just want to win this thing. But, nooo...I have to get stuck with Captain Soundbite.) I go over the Intel. I figure we should make our way to Orion. Space Jump it is. Right out of the Wormhole...

Bam. We are being attack. This ship is trapped by a "Do not pass Go" beam. Bandits board the ship.

I ask if I can help them.

The Robot says

"01010111011010000110010101110010011001010010000001

101001011100110010000001110100011010000110010100100000011000

1001100001011101000110100001110010011011110110111101101101"

HM : "What?"

"He wants to use the bathroom."

HM: "Who said that ?"

"I'm the ship's mechanic, Timmy."

HM: "Where you hiding? This ship is smaller than a one bedroom in New York City." ( Oh man, my head hurts. I think back on what Bone Grinder was yapping about.)

Bone Grinder:" I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame? Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

Desert...Where is the biggest desert....

DUNE.

The Bandits go potty and leave. I make another hyperspace jump to Dune.

Demonseed start up again."Expect the unexpected in the kingdom of madness!"

I replay "You are the biggest help, ever." (I will not summon a darkbeast to eat him. I will not.) I think about BoneGrinders words again.

BoneGrinder:" I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!"

Ok, we have to steal something back. Yeah! But, what? I call out "Hey Spilledseed get over here. Tell me, what BoneGrinder was going to repo?"

"The Sensational One leading the madness down that aisle! It's a feeling that you can't even explain." Demonseed roars out.

HM: "What aisle?Is it about a wedding? Give me a straight answer you freak."

Finally he shows me a picture of this.

I find out Jimmy James was going to give this bike to BoneGrinder as a reward, but canceled the contract. Demonseed and I break into Jimmy James home and steal the bike. After to Hyperspace jumps, we are near Hacknor obit. Demon seed tries to pull a double cross.

DS: "Hey, freakshow! You're goin' NOWHERE! I got'cha for three minutes! Three minutes of playtime!"

"OK, fine. (I have been waiting for this.) Just let me ask you something? What is my favorite ballet?"

He shruggs.

"The Nutcracker." I say as I swiftly kick him in the little boys.

He drops like fourth period french.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polairs rules.

Bone’s Interspercal Dollywong

2007-06-25T22:00:00.000-05:00

After that wonder story by what’s his name, my partner came to get me for my Hero’s quest. Charlene “chainsaw” Thrace, so named for the MASSVIE chainsaw she walked up to me carrying. Powered up, mind you. My mouth dropped to the floor.

“Ok, Jedee, let’s get par-tay started!” she shouts as the saw cuts off.

I lifted my mouth. “One: I’m not a Jedee, I’m Jedi. Two: this is not party.”

She snorted and rubbed her nose. “A whata you say? A Jedu?”

“Never mind,” I muttered. “So you’re going to help me?”

“Yeah, me and you, we going to find Bone Grinder’s interspercal dollywong for him,” Charlene said.

“How can that be Hero’s Quest?” I said shocked. “And what is it?”

“Well, Jedee, is about where the interspercal dollywong be dat make it Hero’s Quest and yous’ll see soon enough!” A laugh.

Why me? “Okkk, then. Before we go, I have to ask. What’s up with the wings?”

Charlene smiles and flashes her four teeth. “Cause I can fly, girly, fly high and hard.”

I smiled my “here we go again with the nuttiness” smile. “What are we “flying” in?”

“What the-” I spat. Now I know I’m in hell. We hop in, and the smell of beer is over-whelming, knida like Anakin’s room after a party.

“Dats the map of mumble mumble,” she told me, handing me this tattered, folded piece of paper.

“That’s a real thing?”

“Well, hecks yeah! Bone anit crazy you know! His ‘hole story really happeneds!”

“Where is this interspercal dollywong at?” I shouted as she took off.

“Hold on and ya’ll see!” The engine was very loud, and the radio even louder. I think it is Big and Rich… whoever that is. We took out over the deser-where did that come from-and head out over the dunes.

We rolled up to the house of Jimmy James and hopped out. I was thankful, you don’t know how much. I looked up at the- this was a house?

Right about then this creature come running out and started growling at me. “Holy mother of the stars! What is that thing?” I shouted, jumping on the hood of the car and whipping out my lightsaber.

“Dat be my dawg, girl!” A man shouts, coming out of the house. My mouth fell open again. I was thinking I stepped into a bad episode of the As The Force Turns or something. All I could do is stare.

“I anit got his interspercal dollywong!” Jimmy shouts at Charlene, ignoring me.

“Hand it over, or dis here Jedee is going to stick her light bulb up your tinker!” Charlene tells him. “And am I going to power up me chainsaw!”

“My what?” I said. Oh, lightsaber.

Jimmy looks me over. “Whatthe tar is a Jedee?”

I snorted. “You don’t want to find out. Give me the interspercal dollywong so I get back to normal people already!”

“Oh, fine! I do want that thang anymore anyhoo! Take it!” He hands something up to me.

“What is this?” I asked, eyebrow up.

“Dat is Bone’s interspercal dollywong, whata think it was?”

“This?”

“Yeah! Take the darn thang!” he shouts storming off with his creature.

Charlene smiled her toothy smile. “Well dat were easier than I thought would be.”

I held it up. “This? My quest was for this?”

“Yapppers. Coulda been worse. Coulda been for puddin!”

Something is very wrong with this contest.

I’m going to jump in my General Lee and go mudding! Bye, ya’ll! YEEEHHAWWWW!

Challenge #10

2007-06-24T22:21:00.000-05:00

Jon: Welcome Gladiators and congratulations on making the Final Three. Are you ready for the most exciting, dangerous challenge yet?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Sure.

Mr. Bennet: That’s what we’re here for.

Henchman: Meh.

Jon: Then I have I got a surprise for you! You will be excited to see your new guest for this challenge. Contestants, meet Bone Grinder.

Bone Grinder: Hiya Sally.

Mr. Bennet: Er…

Henchman: Uh, hey.

Jon: Bone Grinder’s going to let you know what the Challenge is. Grinder?

Bone Grinder: That’s right ya yellow pantywaists. I’m going to tell you a story, a story about your favorite gladiator and something that happened back in aught two. You see, back then I was throwin’ down for a credit here or a credit there for anyone who would pay. Now, one day I get a call. You know who I get the call from? None other than Jimmy James Taftenhour Junior himself. That’s right, the president of the galactic senate himself called me to his office for an important mollusk shuck. I put a red onion on my belt and headed to the space bus. Them buses used to cost five bees. Gimme a five bees, they’d say and they’d ride that bus to the end of the line and back again. You know what I mean? So I goes to see Jimmy James in the flesh and he’s got to be three metrons tall if he’s a day, and I says to him “Listen here you rat bastard son of a bongdar, you let me know what’s going on here and now, you lay it to me straight ‘cuz I’m not going to take one of your whitewash jobs, do you read me, you tin plated glantag eater!” Well he laughed right then and there, he laughed and laughed and he mumble mumble mumble. He then told me about Nebula Pete and his map of mumble mumble. Nebula Pete had a mumble mumble and they knew that they had to get it. What do you mean you’re out of curly fries? Jimmy James and I rode that steel can all the way to Orion and back looking for that dang interspersal dollywong and we thought we’d get them bandits for sure at the next green trandan. We had Chainsaw, Demonseed and Ironhand. What mop? I don’t have any pudding. We gotta get that mumble mumble before that other plandar drops. You know what I mean?

Bennet: What did he just--?

Bone Grinder: Jimmy James sent me to the space jump mumble mumble I grabbed that ugly little bioped by his fat, gray neck and I said “You look at me! I’m gonna kill you if you don’t drop the prefab postbox.” I have to stop the needle. Where did my socks go?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Is he OK?

Jon: Sure he is, it just looks like his old age has caught up to him. Either that or maybe some powerful telepath has been screwing around with his mind a little too much.

Bone Grinder: I was pissing on the desert sand when the desert whispered to me, isn’t it a fracking shame? Things will never be the same. I’ll tell you what I am, I’m a repo man!

Jon: There you go, Gladiators. Your challenge is to go on Bone Grinder’s hero’s quest. Kriss, you will go with Charlene “Chainsaw” Thrace, Henchman will accompany Demonseed, and Bennet will go with Ironhand Heynow. Follow Bone Crusher’s directions and accomplish your tasks. Like the last challenge, all contestants and judges will decide the winner. And oh yes, good luck. You’ll need it.

Bone Grinder: Where’s my pudding?

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by the Intergalactic Jumprope Championship.

The Intergalactic Jumprope Championship only on the IGE Channel.

Challenge #9, Judgement

2007-06-24T21:50:00.000-05:00

OK Gladiators, it's been a long road getting from there to here.

Sorry, promise I won't say that ever again. I mean that I promise that I'll try not to say that. Or at least try to try.

One of you will not be going on to the next challenge.

And that contestant is...

Dark Jedi Kriss
Hold on, check that.

Professor! Nice try but it won't work. She had immunity, remember?

Heh heh, well you can't blame a guy for trying, can you?

Professor Xavier you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

And stay out of my head!

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Troy McClure.

See Troy McClure today!

Challenge #9, The Winner!

2007-06-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, contestants, judges, and sidekicks, the votes are in.

And the winner of Challenge #9 is...

....Wait for it....

..... Are you getting anxious yet?

The winner is...

None other than...

The contestant known as....

Dark Jedi Kriss.

Let this be a lesson folks, sex sells. And by that I mean the nice, wholesome, hot sexiness of good looking, shapely women. Not the creepy old man in a thong sexiness.

Gladiators, cast your votes.

Last, but never...

2007-06-23T17:44:00.000-05:00

Ladie and Gents,

I made it to the Final Four

We have a two part challenge this week, so Jon wants us to work over time.

The first part of your challenge, you need to work with our special Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers to get yourself into something a little bit more suitable for combat in the arena.

Great...

If She throws a phone at me. I am going to toss her like a midget, off the planet.

Once the costume is done, we need to make our way to the second part. An interview with the IGE on-air personality. we will do the interview, or “cut a promo” as we call it in the biz, in front of a camera and a live studio audience. Yawn.

Oh Well, I just have to suck it up. My helper shows up six hours late, smoking and ingurgitating Red Bull.

I hate her already.

(Why Jon, why? Why do you do this to me?)

She comes over and gives me an air kiss. "Darling, It's a pleasure for you to work with me."

(I think not.I have enough Diva's here with Hot Wheels rolling around.Just think about the challenge, Henchy.)

"So Dear, What ideas do you have for me?" I ask her.

"Retro...Nothing is better, than stealing styles from years back. The farther you go back, the more original it seems." She squeals.

(Couldn't I fight Thor?)

"This one goes way back, Darling." She waves at.

"I'm sorry. I am not feeling it. I think I would have a hard time moving in it." I inform her.

"Ha, Fine." She says. "Next.You can never go wrong with Asian styles. Japan is sooo...cutting edge. This says 'Sho..gun...Bad. " She winks and claws at me. "Roawww."

"Are you kidding. It would tear in a matter of moments. Look, you seem to know fashion, but I might be fighting in that thing. Next." I yell.

"How dare you. Do you know who, I am? I have walked the runways of ..." When she got to that I gave her a Vulcan nerve pinch.

(There, I feel much better now.)

I call up AIM and have them send me something, they stole from SHIELD.

Now this is what I'm talking about. I am smoking in this puppy. I am convinced nothing else can go wrong, while I am wearing this bad boy.

I am ready. Bring them to on. Walters, Gumble or Leno, I can handle anything they throw at me.

I walk in to the studio and scan for the host.

SPACE GHOST...

(JON!)

"Welcome everyone, and say hello to my guest ManHench.123" Space Ghost announces.

I interupt "It's Henchman 432."

"Sure thing ManHench." He says with a wink and a smile. "So whats it like to be on the Amazing Mutant Race 3? I hear you might have a good chance of winning that."

I shake my head. "I lost AMR3. I trying to do a promo for Last Gladiator Standing 2. I am in the Final Four."

Space Ghost looks at me funny. "I never heard of it. Why are Gladiators standing? Wouldn't they like to sit sometime?"

"No, That's just the name of the show." I correct him.

"What show?"he asks.

At that instant. I blast him.

"Ha ha, sorry ManHench. You can't get me." He turns to the camera and whispers "Force field."

I storm off the set.

Dental for All.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Xavier wears clothes

2007-06-23T10:51:00.001-05:00

"Oh Professor, your late!"

That was the rather cute young Gladiator wardrobe girl. She seemed rather tense.

"There isn't time to have you try on any of the outfits!" she said anxiously. I could see the panic growing in her face.

"It will be alright," I assured her, doing my best to radiate calm.

"Oh! I have an idea! We can use the Auto-Cladamatron!" All at once her tension faded, replaced by a warm smile. Too bad I was running late. "It's still experimental but I'm sure it will work. Just enter here."

Her enthusiasm was refreshing. I rolled into the giant metal box in the corner and she started fumbling with the controls. With a loud zap, a bright light filled the small chamber. I looked down to see my suit had vanished. It was replaced with . .

"What on Earth is this?" I asked, a little put out to find myself wearing some kind of dominatrix outfit.

"It's the latest in Kryptonian fashion," the girl assured me. "But we can try something else."

She twisted a dial and threw the switch and suddenly I was wearing . .

"What the hell?!" I demanded. "Change it! Quick!"

With an embarassed giggle, she fiddled with the knobs. One zap later . .

"Arrhhh!!! Absolutely not! Change it!!"

-ZAP-

"Er . . well, it's not my usual thing," I said. "But I suppose it will do."

"Good, 'cause we're out of time!"

The girl escorted me to the studio that had been set up for the promo interview. I took my place next to the desk and then the interviewer came out. Oh no! Not this clown again!

"Hey, good to see you again, Professor X!" Carrot Top exploded.

"When I saw this gig come through on Craig's List I volunteered straight away! I can't tell you how much material I got out of you from our last interview!"

"Delightful," I answered coldly, refusing to return his high five.

Pulling his hand back, he said, "So tell me, who do you like to win this show?"

"Well, aside from me I think that Kriss has been doing an-"

"Hey, what do you call a bunch of rabbits hopping backwards?"

"Excuse me?"

"A receding hair line! Get it, baldy?"

"Er, yes. Very funny."

"How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"What? Well, that's just-"

"One to change the bulb and then a construction crew to rebuild the building afterwards! 'Cause you mutants are always blowing everything up! AHA HA HA HA HA!!

That last joke sent Carrot Top into fits of giggles. The crew in the studio were laughing there heads off. At that I took my cape and went back the dormitory.

Mission Nine

2007-06-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

Mr. Bennet prepares for a challenge of gladitorial style and wit....

This was it, the all important challenge. It is important that I win this all important challenge, in fact, it's of the utmost importance.

I first had to design my gladiator outfit. Luckly, I had a friend in Japan who specialized in material arts, Yakan'atama Chobihige. I gave him call.

"Beneto-san, it please me that you call."

"Call me Noah-san."

He came up right away and the two of us got to work on my duds. It was a long, exhaustive process, but I was pleased with the results.

"Dai jo bu?" Yakan'atam asked.

"Hai," I said. "Now time for the interview."

"Sumimasen!" he called out as I was walking onto the set, "Take this for good luck."

"Arigatou." When he was out of view, I disposed of the ridiculous flower. I took my seat at the interview table.

"Mr. Noah Bennet!" the host called out. The audience stood up applausing as he ran by, flexing for them. He bowed a few times and finally took a seat.

"Now, Mr. Bennet," he started, "You recently helped save New York from an explosion, correct?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Thank you for supporting our President. Now, you're on this Gladiator show, and let me see if I understand this right. You're not a Jedi? You can't use the Force. You don't have any mutant powers. You don't suck people's souls out of their nostrils with a magic straw. So what is it you do do?"

"Well, it depends on what I eat."

"Now, I got to ask you about the competition. What's with the Jedi chick? I was under the impression that women couldn't be Jedi. Is the Counsel just going crazy? Too much Jawa Juice maybe?"

"Well, I don't know that she's a real Jedi. I think she's more for ratings."

"Like Vanna White?" he asked, then turned to the camera, "Those letters turn themselves, Mrs. White! You are superfluous!"

Finally, I wrapped up the interview and was heading back to the barracks when Jon came over and said, "The Professor ran over some wet gum on the street and now he's immobilized. I need you to do the Conan interview for him."

"So, Mr. Bennet, what kind of powers do you have?"

"Well, Conan, when I'm gladiatoring, I'm known as The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. And I shred paper."

"Wow! That's a great power, Horn-Rimmed Shredder."

"The Horn-Rimmed Shredder," I corrected.

"My appologies, The Horn-Rimmed Shredder. Now, on the show, there are only four contestants left. Who do you think is your toughest competition?"

"Well, there's no doubt about it that Jon will be the toughest to beat. So far, he hasn't won any challenges, nobody likes him, and he's still on the show."

"What's it like working with a mutant?"

"It's like working with a human, you just have to talk slower," I looked over at Max, "I'm sure you know what it's like, Conan."

"Oh, Max? No, he's not a mutant. He's just Jewish. We lure him back into his cage at the end of the show with bagels, right Max?"

"That's right, Conan."

"So what's next for you?" the insanely tall Leprechaun asked.

"Well, after Last Gladiator Standing, I've got a job lined up with the GOP. Lots of papers need shredding. Something about Alberto Gonzalez."

"Sounds fun. Alright, when we come back, Britney Spears performs from her new album!"

New Armor and Joan Rivers

2007-06-18T22:38:00.000-05:00

The armor making took hours. I was annoyed by the time it was over, I wanted to kill someone. But I must admit they did a wonderful job. Wouldn’t fly at the Temple but I not at the Temple, am I?

I donned my new duds made by the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers and ushered into a hovercraft to the interview area. The host of the interview portion of the show was waiting. I walked down the red carpet with my chin up.

Joan Rivers greets me at the at the end red carpet, microphone in hand.

Joan smiles, her makeup so thick it looked like it would crack. “Oh! Look who we have here! The only female remaining in this contest! DJK! And look at what she has on! It’s short, it’s skimpy, and it’s TOTALLY HOT! How does it feel to make this far?” she gabs poking a microphone in my face.

I cleared my throat and opened my mouth.

Joan cuts me off. “Superb! Do tell us! Are the men on the show nice to you? Do they give you a hard time?”

“Well, they-”

“Wonderful! You are Jedi Knight! How do you get away with competing in LGS?”

“The Jedi Counsel doesn’t min-” I tried to say.

“Splendid! You have such a pretty lightsaber! And it matches! Do you play with it a lot?” she asks.

“I don’t pla-” I started.

“Magnificent! We wish you the best of luck! Now smile at the camera!”

Joan steps back and a camera flashes in my face.

Eat your heart out Lord Vader!

I didn’t say that!

Challenge #9

2007-06-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

It’s Final Four time, folks, and as you know the Final Four is just like Final Five except it’s one better.

You have a two part challenge this week, so you’re going to have to work just about twice as hard.

Before you begin your challenge, take a look at what you’re wearing. Nice, comfortable clothes right? Well, they won’t work for an Intergalactic Gladiator. Look at you, two of you are wearing a suit and tie, another thinks he’s a beekeeper. What’s up with that? At least dark Jedi Kriss looks like she’s ready for action, that action might be getting thrown around by the cloak, but hey, it’s action, right?

The first part of your challenge, you need to work with our special Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment fashion designers to get yourself into something a little bit more suitable for combat in the arena.

Once you get your costume together, you need to make your way to the second part. For this you need to make your way to the interview area to meet with the IGE on-air personality. You will do the interview, or “cut a promo” as we call it in the biz, in front of a camera and a live studio audience. Pretty exciting, huh?

We’re going to have a special guest judge for this challenge, and that is…

All of the contestants!

Everyone who was voted off in the previous challenges gets to have a say in who wins this one. Ooops, I guess you shouldn’t have burned all those bridges during the competition, huh?

Alright Gladiators, let’s see what you’ve got.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Bunny Flavored Pancakes.

Mmmm, that's good bunny flavored pancake!

Challenge #8, the Judgement

2007-06-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

OK Gladiators, what time is it? It’s contestant kickin’ out time.

Whose salesmanship skills weren’t showing so well at this week’s something somewhere?

Which contestant should have actually tried to sell some stuff at the concession stand?

Godfrey Zebulon, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Acme Super Armor.

Amaze your friends, impress your colleagues, and ask your boss for a raise with your new Acme Super Armor.

Get your Acme Super Armor today!

Judgment #8

2007-06-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone, congratulations on making it to the final five. Its getting down the wire, and soon I won’t be your judge. I don’t know how soon, but soon I will be just a memory. But, its not this week.

Now, you’ve been through all of the talks, and I am going to instruct you in a way to get a better post so that way you have a better chance of winning.

Godfrey – Hello Darkness my old friend. Here’s my best suggestion, and follow me on this. When you go to write a post, perhaps writing a short outline, and checking the sequence of events and if it solves the problem posed. To be honest, I couldn’t exactly gather what you were doing.

Dark Jedi Kriss – What up Jedi Sister? Though I agree with Summer Dawn, Corbiscide took a step out of the line, I will admit, I enjoy your pictures and, as you notice, everyone uses pictures in these final posts. I also understand you make your posts vivid so that they won’t need pictures, I notice that. Get a picture, they make me laugh.

Hench – My author forwarded the money to your account, he expects the Dark Jedi to be delivered soon. As far as improvement goes, I would suggest use a little more vivid imagery in the wording of the posts. This will assist you greatly in all of your efforts, not just this competition.

Professor – I am proud of you, you didn’t take control of anybody. I am also proud of you because you stole from Henchman. The post overall was good, but you were lacking a punch line. You even had yourself set up for a good Punchline post. The Monkey’s say five things. At the end of the post you could have had someone pull the string, and it say, “That’s how we monkey’s handle monkey business!” Its not the best one, but it would have been hilarious to have all five in it. Hit up a punchline.

Bennet – The post was up to par with how the final five should be. My suggestion to you. Shorten it. Not like, write “The beginning… The End…” But if you can remove two or three paragraphs of length, it becomes a more manageable post. If Jon is doing it the same as last year, I won’t be voting, it will be the public. Keep it shorter for the childrens.

I hope I didn’t insult or hurt any of your feelings, I now how it feels to be critiqued on your writing. What I am trying to do now is just get you set up for a winning series of final posts.

Now. To announce the winner of immunity and being assured in the final four.

Which leads to the final three…

Which leads to the final two…

Which leads to the winner.

Here we go, and the winner of immunity is…

Henchy.

Congratulations… You can’t vote for Henchman… But you must decide who won’t move onto the final four.

If you’ll excuse me, I have a Food in the oven,

Hugs and Kisses,
Erifia

From the lawyers of Dark Jedi Kriss

2007-06-16T12:30:00.000-05:00

To whom to may concern,

Anyone who has a copy of Henchman’s holovid of him doing perverse things in Dark Jedi Kriss’ body must return the disks to our offices forthwith. If anyone is caught with said vid after one week you will be personally hunted down by Darth Vader and exterminated.

Thank you and good day,

The Imperial Law Offices of the Empire

(DJK: It's nice to be in good with a Dark Lord. HA!)

Mission Eight

2007-06-15T23:16:00.001-05:00

Mr. Bennet relaxes in his comfort zone selling crap to idiots....

Ah, finally! A challenge tailored to my strengths. Everyone knows I'm the best salesman here. For more than 15 years I've made a living selling paper and kidnapping evolved humans. Selling paper has taught me how to dazzle the masses out of their lifesavings over mundane and inexpensive merchandise. And the kidnapping taught me....well, I don't think those skills will come in handy here. But let's start the sales!

First step....employees! Every good middle-management flunky knows that you need mindless drones to do the work you're too lazy to do. But where could I find a team of no-brainers with the charisma, spunk and general good-looks to do well in sales?

I called my Claire Bear. "I need your cheerleading buddies over here pronto!"

"Oh, my God, Dad! Don't ever say pronto again. That's so 1990."

"Were you alive then?" I asked, "Wait! Forget it. Just get your team down here."

Finally, the girls arrived. I had two help me in the concession stand and the rest I sent out to canvas the area.

Rather than selling lame bobbleheads or pornographic material, I decided to stick to chips, drinks and hot dogs. Everyone needs hot dogs, especially at a sporting event.

The girls and I got to work selling food stuffs. We had several customers, apparently the cheerleaders were doing a good job canvasing and sending them our way. But when compared to the amount of people at Henchman's stand, mine looked like the library at the Jedi Temple. Other than a few kids and some old lady, there weren't many patrons. We had to up our game!

I quickly ran to the nearby Horizon Costume Shop and bought a hot dog costume.

"Hey, you!" I called out to one of the cheerleaders.

"Yeah?"

"I need you to wear this and stand over by the booth."

She looked the suit up and down and stared at me with her jaw open. "Like, no way! I wouldn't be caught dead in that wiener costume."

Darn! My plan was falling apart. I needed someone to wear this costume, and it wasn't going to be me. I was nerdy, but not that nerdy. Where would I find a big enough schlub to don the outfit?

Then it hit me like a lonely professor hits his monkeyboy doll. Godfrey Zebulon! I just needed to persuade him into wearing this outside our stand.

"Hey, Geoffrey," I said.

He took a break from bobbling his bobbleheads to correct me, "My name's Godfrey."

"Listen, Gadfly. You see those young ladies at my stand?"

"Um...." he squinted. "No?"

"Here," I handed him my glasses, "Try these. They're horn-rimmed."

He put them on and looked over at my stand, "Oh, yeah. I see 'em."

I snatched the glasses off his face and placed them back on mine. "They're a bit young for me, and I'm married, so I thought I'd pass the 411 onto you. You know, we four-eyed nerds have to stick together. The one on the right has a thing for men in hot dog costumes. In fact, I heard her telling the other one that she'd love to meet a guy who would hang out in front of our concession stand in a hot dog suit waving his lightsaber to attract costumers."

"Really?" I could see him thinking it over in his mind. I just had to seal the deal.

"And as luck would have it, I just found this hot dog costume lying around. Too bad I don't know anyone with a lightsaber in the vicinity."

"Hmmm...."

"Oh, well. Here, you can have this." I set the costume down on his counter, "Maybe you can sell it." I turned and headed back to my booth. But on the way, I noticed The Professor! That vile paraplegic with his no-good shenanigans! What was he up to now?

It seemed he was removing the cash from Henchman's cash register. Normally, I would have said something, but Henchman wasn't on my team anymore. But I did fear for the safety of my booth. I knew Charles would be plotting to sabotage my efforts next.

I got back to my booth and quickly began working on a mutant-trap. All I had was some duct tape, a self-squeezing ketchup bottle and a mechanism to trigger the self-squeezing ketchup bottle when a mutant is detected nearby. It was clear that I had two options. I could lay the duct tape around the stand so that when he rolled over it, it'd wad up all over his wheels causing him to fall onto the ketchup bottle where I would proceed to beat him with the triggering mechanism. Or I could duct tape the ketchup bottle up so that it would spray him when he got near.

We were running out of time. I quickly set up my trap and got back to fixing hot dogs for the masses. Then, I saw The Professor rolling over. "Quick, Claire!" I hollered. "Go get the camera." Then, I saw Godfrey coming over in the hot dog outfit.

Everything was working perfectly!

This was going to be good....

Wait for it....

I could barely contain my excitement!

.....

....

...

..

.

Now!

I know I won this challenge!

Xavier sells some crap

2007-06-15T17:37:00.000-05:00

After Jon told us about our new challenge - selling little knick-knacks to the poor innocent spectators at the Gladiator matches - the other contestants and I were taken to the booths outside the arena. I quickly claimed the table next to Dark Jedi Kriss's. If I was going to be stuck doing a dull sales job all day, I at least wanted something to look at.

Since we had just been teammates, I rolled over to her and, as casually as I could, suggested she might want to wear an appropriate uniform. Something that would catch passer-by's eyes. A slave girl costume. Fortunately I happen to carry one around with me. You know, just in case.

My suggestion was made purely as a humanitarian gesture, to assist my former teammate, you understand. My entertainment set, I then turned to my own station. I started unloading the boxes of crap that I was given to sell. I actually did all the manual labor myself. By hand. I absolutely did not take over one of the stadium patron's minds have him do it and I don't care what photographic evidence proving otherwise you say you have Koma. I'm not giving you a penny.

The inventory I was given consisted of several hundred stuffed Monkeyboy dolls. You pull the string and it says one of five phrases, each equally irritating. Great. Like anyone in their right mind is going to want one of these things. I wasn't going to make a penny.

Sighing, I sat back in my chair under the umbrella and watched Kriss perform her magic. I must say, that girl is talented. She certainly knows how to work a bikini. She was doing quite moving her merchandise.

Hours passed and I had mad very few sales. Glancing around at the other competitors, I noticed that a rather long line was forming at Henchman's table. Well that wasn't good news.

I wheeled over for a closer look. There was a small monitor on his table and it was playing some kind of video. I leaned in close and to my shock, I saw Dark Jedi Kriss doing rather improbable things in front of a full-length mirror. Things that were definitely not suitable for a family setting.

I sat back and let him ring up a few hundred in sales and then I called the local Gladiator Law Enforcement Brigade. I took a chance, figuring the selling of adult material in a public venue like a sports arena had to be a crime.

The police arrived shortly and started hassling Henchman. He gave them a lot of attitude back. As a super-villain wanna-be, he's had a lot of experiencing being rousted by The Man. I don't think the police were planning to do anything to him until he started cursing them out. All at once the officers whipped out their Tazars and started zapping him. Then they moved to confiscate his inventory.

While Henchy was distracted, I cleaned out his cash draw and snatched one of the videos for myself. Purely for research purposes, you understand. Then I suggested to Kriss we pool the rest of our goods and work together for the rest of the afternoon. We watched with glee as Henchman was lead away in handcuffs.

Dirty Jedi Kriss.

2007-06-14T16:00:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

This week challenge won't be as fun as the last.

*Sigh*

So Jon start with the yapping.

Jon: For your challenge today, you will be running a concession and souvenir stand here during today’s show.

Henchman: Pfft, big deal. We hand out some popcorn, maybe a few giant foam cowboy hats, then we call it a night.

Jon: You just keep telling yourself that. You can work individually or in teams, but you’ll be working all night. Enjoy the show, everyone.

The problem is these things are never easy. Something always happens, always. I suck it up and head to my station.

As if on cue, I have nothing to sell and I was outside of the Amphitheater.

(JON.....he is so dead.)

I rush out to meet a few venders. I see their promo vids of what they are selling.

I want to back away slowly and call my mommy, but I have no choice. I take the muffins.

I call A.I.M., they boom tube me a half dozen of their Guard kittens.

These help. However, I am losing ground to DJK and Hot Wheels. DJK is wearing her slave outfit.

I don't think I can beat them with this merchandise. I ponder about it. Then it hits me. I made a video when I was in Dark Jedi Kriss's body, in the shower. I was going to save it purely for archival reasons.

(NOT)

I burn 600 copies of Dirty Jedi Kriss.

Click here to see Dirty Jedi Kriss in action.

I get Brak to man the work station, while I get this thing on the Jumbotron. I play the first few seconds and announce the location of my stand.

DJK was to busy with Vadar to notice.

The Former King Vegeta buys about half of my stock.

I was about to ask why and he interupts me.

"One, I get lonely and two, Sayian Chistmas is coming." He gives me the lowdown.

I sell out of the Videos, Guard Kittens and imaginary muffins. I make a killing.

Now, you have to excuse me. I have to get off the planet.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

This is a public service announcement

2007-06-12T10:17:00.000-05:00

Your attention, your attention please.

Congratulations on making it to the Final Five, Gladiators. If you look directly to my right (your left) you will notice that the two teams have been combined. Feel free to mingle amongst yourselves.

That is all.

Cotton Candy, It’s Evil!

2007-06-11T12:57:00.000-05:00

Do I look like a salesperson to you? Well I ended up as one. I thought saving the galaxy was hard work! Pssssh! Not even close.

I decided to sell cotton candy on mini glowing fake lightsabers. So cute, little hilts and sticks of different colors. My idea. It was hit too. On top of that… Xavier had the idea I should wear my gold slave girl bikini. HE said it would boot sales. Personally I think he just wanted to see me wear it.

I worked hard all day, the crowd never ended, it seemed. I had cotton candy mess in my hair, on my top, everywhere. And I couldn’t stop eating it, either.

It’s additive, you know?

After sneaking bites of this stuff all day I was hyper and my senses were all whack. So I was taking a break sitting down on the floor, trying not to eat more cotton candy when I hear someone tap on the counter impatiently. I sat up on my knees and looked over counter and there he was.

Buckethead.

“What in the Force are you doing here?” I snapped.

Vader shouts at the same time. “What in the Force are you doing here?”

I stood up. “You came here to bother me.”

“I most certainly did not! I was going to buy come cotton candy. I like it,” Vader said, crossing his arms.

“Why? You can’t eat it! How would get in your mouth?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“I find your lack of service to be disturbing.”

I leaned over and popped his helmet. “How’s that for service?”

I scooped up a large bundle of cotton candy and shoved it at him. “I want to see you eat it. And if you whip out a blender, I’ll kill you.” (Can you even blend cotton candy like that?)

He tears off a piece and stares at it. I slapped the counter. “See? I knew it! You can’t eat it! You did come here to bother me! You came to goggle my outfit!”

“Fine. You’re fired,” he snapped.

“Excuse me?”

“I rented the coliseum for this event, so for today I’m your boss. Or was. You are fired,” Vader said.

I jumped over counter and… tried to get in his face. 7 feet to my 5’4, that’s why I say tried. “Who are you? Donald Trump? You can’t fire me, this is contest challenge.”

I gave a whistle. My little Monkeyboy friend jumped out from behind the counter, followed by a few of his pals. These were the guys who didn’t get sucked back in the transporter. They seemed to like me and follow me around a lot.

They were good for security, too.

“Escort Darth Trump out of here!” I shouted.

“You no bother the Queem of the popper! MOOMMOGOGLLAAA!” Monkeyboys shout, swinging their plastic nanners at Vader’s legs. Funniest thing I have seen: Vader attacked by Monkeyboys. He was fighting off the little jumpers all the way out of the coliseum.

I packed up after that and hide out with Xavier for the rest of the afternoon. His sales double in an hour. I don’t know why…

Women troubles

2007-06-11T02:53:00.000-05:00

We had to sell things at the coliseum *rolls eyes* I'd much rather be competing inside than out here looking like an idiot in front of a " Jedi Bobble head" stand.. strangely enough they had little outfits too.. Like for the Obi Wan one there was a kilt..

Don't ask about the others.. It got stranger and stranger.. The Vader one even came in pink and blue.

The absolute weirdest thing was seeing yourself made into a bobble head. They had it pretty good I have to say.. right down to my eye color and the glasses. I made sure to set an Anakin one back for DJK though.. she was fighting off people over at her stand..

So I'm standing there not doing anything much in particular.. I had figured how the traffic went.. it started at the top and worked it's way to the bottom.. And guess what?

I was the last stand before the arena.

The advantage was I got to watch the fights.. Amateurs.. I could do much better, give me a shot..

It was whenever I saw Mr. black tin bucket himself whenever I looked towards the stairs and saw her..

Was it Pho? I couldn't honestly tell for sure.. she looked like her from a distance.. As she got closer I could tell it wasn't , which made me blush red as a tomato.. Force.. I think I just took stupidity to a whole new level. Though the com call from Pho didn't help all that much in the way of calmness this morning either.

"Hiya stranger. .whatcha sellin?" she asks me, propping her elbows on the counter .
think .. Think. get your head back together!

" Jedi bobble heads"

On seeing her curious look I point to Vader who is still arguing with DJ.. " see that metal head there?"

She grimaces" yeah.. told me women couldn't fight and I needed to be in the local model agency.. twit.. "

I lifted up one of the pink and blue bobble heads " Well , shows you how much of a baby he really is!"

We both burst laughing.

" You look like you want to be in there not out here huh?"

I nodded" you've got no idea how much.. I love gladiator fights.. not for the blood. .but for the effort and time put into training.. and the only time you get to show it is in the arena.. "

Her eyes went wide slightly.. " You're the first person I've talked to who has realized that.. I.. thank you.."

She lifted her ungauntleted hand and shook mine" I'm Aiashka.. and what would your name be?"

I smiled, doing something I normally ever did for Pho, I turned her hand over and kissed her knuckles gently " I'm Godfrey Zebulon.. Jedi Knight.. "

She smiles" Pleased to meet you Godfrey.. " whatever she was about to say next is cut off by the bell.

" Well I've got to be going.. and since I so ungraciously took up all of your time.. How about one of the bobble heads of you? As my way of sayings thanks for showing me not all the world is blind to the true metal of a gladiator"

As she pressed the credits into my hand, she asked me the one thing I couldn't do" Heya.. after the competition.. what about dinner?"

I shook my head" I'm sorry Aiashka.. That I can't do.. not today anyway.. I'm here on business.."

She turns to walk away but then looks over her shoulder" Well maybe another time then.. "
Just as she is about to re enter the coliseum she walks back and gives me a quick kiss.. totally unexpected.. and no .. it honestly meant nothing to me.. I was too surprised to do anything..

Winking.. she runs back into the arena as her match begins.

And that was in the first 10 minutes

Later on that same hour things got.. weirder. If possible

A couple of gungans walk up and start talking in their own language so fast I can't begin to translate

" It's yousa! it's yousa! yousa da one who saved Maybelienea!"

Long story short: I had to go on a mission to Otoh Gunga When I was a padawan and I saved the gungan princess Maybelienea from a sea monster.. Then I promptly got motion sickness and threw up all over Boss Nass' shoes.. ( at least I think they were shoes .. Too sick to remember)

Then.. oh lord no.. there is Maybelienea .. a grown gungan now.. and apparently..
" it's nice to see you too but there is such a thing for humans called air that's vital!!" I choke out trying to pry her flippers from my neck where she caught me in a bear hug.. If gungans became sith.. we'd all be doomed.. her grip is almost strong as mine..

She finally lets go only to start kissing me to death.. gah. I'm going to need a soak in the Jacuzzi after this.. when she finally lets up.. I have slime all over me and look a mess..

" Yousa be here when we get back? byesss!" they all head inside

Me be here when the games let up? Not even if Vader offered to let me kill him

Finally my last 5 minutes at the stand then I was gone.. straight out of here and as far away from the walking terror as I possibly could be.

Then a little girl walks up.

What is it with women anyway? Any age or species for that matter they seem stuck on me.. I'm not that great am I?

Anyway she comes wandering up ..Wearing royal Alderanian robes.. I recognize her almost immediately.. She's Bail's niece, Morgana.. cutest thing you'd ever see, black hair and blue eyes.

" excuse me myster? can you help me find my unkie bail?"

How could any man in his right mind say no to a cute face like that?

She seems tired so I pick her up and when I do..

She gets sick.. all over me

Poor thing had too much cotton candy to eat probably.. little children shouldn't have that much sugar. I set her down for a second and grab a roll of paper towels and wipe myself off as best as I can before picking her up again. it doesn't take two minutes for me to find Bail ,who's looking everywhere frantically for Morgana.

" Oh there you are!" he says taking her off my hands" She didn't cause you any trouble did she Godfrey?

" Oh her? nope..sweet little angel"

All in all that sums up my day from the sith at the coliseum.. Now if you'll excuse me.. I need a change of clothes and a shower.

Challenge #8

2007-06-10T22:21:00.000-05:00

Jon: Welcome Gladiators to the Final Five and welcome to the Horizon Amphitheater! This gigantic coliseum plays host to the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation) and the site of your next challenge. Congratulations, you have made it to the big show!

Dark Jedi Kriss: We’re competing in there?

Jon: No. For your challenge today, you will be running a concession and souvenir stand here during today’s show.

Professor Xavier: Oh boy.

Mr. Bennett: What do you mean “Oh boy?”

Professor Xavier: I’ve seen what goes on in here and I can assure that it is not pretty.

Godfrey Zebulon: Do you mean the gladiator matches?

Professor Xavier: No, I mean the audience.

Jon: The Professor’s right. This venue hosts visitors from every corner of the mulitverse. Strange and unusual visitors whose idea of “concession” and “souvenir” can be very unusual indeed.

Henchman: Pfft, big deal. We hand out some popcorn, maybe a few giant foam cowboy hats, then we call it a night.

Jon: You just keep telling yourself that. You can work individually or in teams, but you’ll be working all night. Enjoy the show, everyone.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by the Norelco Super 7000. Get your face clean and smooth with the Super 7000.

The Norelco Super 7000 is the only razor system endorsed by the Question.

Challenge #7, the Judgement

2007-06-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

Before I tell you who's geting the boot, I just wanted to mention how proud I am of everyone who made it this far. We are halfway through Last Gladiator Standing II and the competition is turning out to be as strong and powerful as a Valdorian river anaconda.

Of course, one of you will not be involved in the next round of this stiff competition.

Who couldn't stand up to the challenge?

Synth-Lin, you are not the Last gladiator Standing, goodbye.

If you ask me, I think it's because you're a synthetic humanoid. Personally, I've got nothing against artificial intelligence and yet you have to admit that it must be kind of creepy to have her on your team, right? It's called the Uncanny Valley. Look it up.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Snake on a Plane.

Snake on a Plane is a thrilling Chilling Roller Coaster of a ride.

Snake on a Plane in theaters now!

The Decision

2007-06-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

Everyone did a great job. It took me a few to decide whom to give immunity to.

But after careful consideration, I came to a answer.

So here we go…

Godfrey: Man, you are amusing when you are flustered. It’s just a phone! Just stomp on it. It wasn’t a bad post. It did go off a bit with you calling Phobia and all. But it had a few key funny parts.
Over all: Not too bad.

D.J. You and people peeing their pants DOES happen a lot. Must be the sassy attitude. Liked the secret confession room idea. No comment on the boyfriend part. But, D.J. a pitchfork?
Over all: Funny, but I seen you do better, girl. Did my watchful eyes I make you nervous?

Henchman: Dude, if you are still breathing, that was great a post. You might want to pass those outfits along to D.J when you switch back, I’m sure she would wear them.
Over all: Dayum funny!

Synth-Lyn: The Chastity belt didn’t chafe, I hope. I remember mine, never stop being a pain. That skit at the end did boot the ratings impressively. Something about a Jedi making an goob out of themselves in front of millions…
Over all: Funny

Bennet: Man, never eat ice cream and fatten a chick’s thighs! Do you have a death wish?
Over all: Not too bad.

Xavier: So you abused his body, huh? Snotty Green chili, huh? Sounds pretty good. But I like to eat nasty sounding and looking stuff. Got love a good revenge story.
Over all: A$$ Kicking.

The winner of this weeks challenge is:
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Hold on it’s coming.
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Your winner is:
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All most there:
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Xavier! Congrats, buddy, you win immunity for your team!

Why? Revenge is sweet, that's why!

Yeah, yeah, not the Jedi way, I know… who cares!(No one metion I said that to Obi-Wan, alright?)

Team-O-Supremo you know what to do.

Skywalker Out!

Xavier takes a ride in Henchman

2007-06-08T20:25:00.000-05:00

I couldn’t believe Jon had the lack of empathy to stick me in Henchman’s body. Henchman! He’s a super-villain for crying out loud! And what’s worse, he stole my girlfriend while I was off planet on a very important mission for the Galacta, Queen of the Galaxy.

I mean of course he stole my girlfriend. He’s a villain. That’s the kind of thing they do. And not only was I stuck in this wanna-be Joker’s body, I also had to worry about how Dark Jedi Kriss was going to be miss-using my body, and more importantly, my powers. She is a dark Jedi, after all. At least that’s what her name is. She does seem to hang out with the good Jedi. She might be tempted to use my telepathic powers unethically. Then again, she’s cute so I suppose it’s all right.

A whole week I have to spend in this creeps body! And it’s not even a real body. He has all these mechanical parts. They’re rather poorly constructed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen his bionic arm ripped off. Even little Kitty Pryde ripped it off once. Pathetic, really.

Then again, he is rather powerful. He can summon all types of monsters and things. Hmmm, I bet I could cause quite a bit of trouble while in Henchman’s body and then he would get all the blame. When I’m back in my body I could just erase everyone’s memory of the contest, leaving all the blame for him. Heh heh heh.

No, no, that would be wrong. I would never do that. But I could at least enjoy some of the physical sports I don’t get to indulge in.

The first day I went lava skiing on the Flaming Molten Sea. The robotic hover boat I rented was really flying fast. The admantium skies held up pretty well but I’m afraid Henchman’s body got some rather nasty burns. Ah well.

The next day I decided to enter the Amateur Gladiator Frooz Day contest. It consisted of 5 progressively harder matches against professional gladiators and it was open to the public. I have to admit, Henchman is pretty powerful. I was moving rather quickly through the matches. The final gladiator was Mongo Supremo. I didn’t recognize the species. He looked like a cross between a Pitbull and Godzilla. I only lasted about 2 minutes. With a terrible screeching sound, he ripped Henchman’s mechanical arm out of its socket and sent it flying about a mile, somewhere in the vicinity of the Pungent Boggy Marshes of Doom.

I spent the next day on a field trip trying to find it, without any success. The 5 foot long mosquitoes that inhabit the Marshes took quite a few bites out of me though. Out of Henchman, actually.

Down to one arm, on the fourth day I decided to relax. I headed over to the Beautiful Blue Beach of Paradise to enjoy the lovely young ladies frolicking in the bikinis. And to enjoy the open bar. After my fifth Margarita I fell asleep. Henchman really can’t hold his drink. I awoke five hours later to find the whole front of his body was bright, bright red. His skin already started peeling.

By the final day Henchman’s body was far too sore and achy for me to do much. I decided to head over to the Junior Gladiator Culinary Arts School. I sampled a wide variety of the student’s experimental dishes. The first few were rather tasty but by my third hour, I was suddenly struck with the most horrible stomach cramps. I think it was the Snotty Green Chili that did it. I spent the rest of the night locked into the bathroom.

When it was time to switch bodies back, I was only able to hobble to the Reverso Machine, or whatever Jon calls it. It was certainly a pleasure to get back into my own body.

Sorry for any wear and tear Henchman. I’m sure the show must have some kind of insurance plan to cover this kind of thing.

Mission Seven

2007-06-08T14:59:00.000-05:00

Mr. Bennet spends a week in the body of a Synthetic Lindsay Lohan....

Having grown up as a nerd, I knew a thing or two about synthetic females. This challenge would be a breeze.

Day 1

Since we merely had to survive a week, there was no reason to stay on Hacknor. I was happy to go back home and see my family. As soon as I opened the door, my Claire-Bear was waiting to greet me.

"Dad! Dad!" she yelled and came running into the living room. She stopped when she saw me and let out a scream. I felt terrible for scaring her. "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!"

She kept screaming and jumping up and down

"What is it, Claire?" I asked.

"You're Lindsay Lohan! And you know my name! Lindsay Lohan knows my name!"

"No. I am your father."

"Dad? No! It can't be. That's impossible!" She said, "He doesn't have that kind of grace or fashion sense."

Luckily, I pickpocketed my old self (Godfrey, ha! Some Jedi he is.) and managed to get my Primatech Gun. I quickly shot her in the arm. "Now do you believe me?"

Day 2

"Ahhhhhhhh!!" My wife screamed and jumped out of bed.

"Relax, honey. It's me, remember?"

She was breathing quickly, but started to calm down. "Oh," she said, "I forgot. I just turned over and saw....her...laying beside me."

I put Lin's arm around her. "It's okay, it's me, Noah."

"I know. It was so frightening, it was like college all over again."

Day 3

Synthetic bodies start to smell after a couple of days without showering. I had been putting it off, but I can see it's inevitable.

I'm not intrigued or made uncomfortable by it. It's just that every other contestant in a different sex's body is probably going to do little more than some childish experiments with their new accessories. I'm above that. If twenty years of marriage has taught me anything, it's that boobs are overrated.

So, I began showering.

Moments later, the shower curtain was pulled open. "Claire!" I yelled, "I know you're adopted, but that just makes this more wrong!"

"Relax, Dad," she said grabbing the shampoo bottle from me. "Pert?? Pert???? You're in more trouble than I thought. That's not just any hair, you know? It's Lindsay Lohan hair! You can't use Pert on Lindsay Lohan hair! Jeez, Dad, don't you know anything?"

"I know that plant cell walls are composed of fibers bound together. During pulping, these fibers are separated from each other and carbohydrate surfaces, primarily cellulose or hemicellulose, are exposed. Hydrogen bonding between these carbohydrate surfaces gives paper its strength."

"Oh, my God, Dad! You're such a geek." She hands me a new bottle of shampoo. "Just use this, okay?" and off she goes.

Day 4

"So, Dad....I was thinking..."

"Yes?" I reply.

"Since you're Lindsay Lohan..."

"A synthetic Lindsay Lohan."

"Whatever! Since you're a synthetic Lindsay Lohan.....could we go show some friends at the mall?"

"No way. That is out of the question young lady."

"Please?"

"I said no!"

"Please?"

"Not gonna happen."

Day 5

Claire and I were walking through the mall. Everyone was looking at us and whispering to each other. Then some Cheerleading friends of Claire came up.

"Oh, my God! Like that's totally Lindsay!"

"Wow, Claire, like you are so awesome."

"You're my new best friend!"

I looked down at Claire, "So should I sing or dance or something?"

She mumbled back to me under her breath, "Dad! You're not Barney the Dinosaur. Just say you want to go party and put the shades back on!"

"But we're inside!"

"It doesn't matter."

"There's no sun here! Why would I wear shades?"

"Because it's cool! Now put them on."

"Fine!"

Day 6

Well, it was time to head back to Hacknor. I stepped out my front door and was immediately blinded by the flashes of a thousand cameras. People were all over my yard, screaming at me, "Ms. Lohan, what do you think of Paris going to prison? Lindsay, who are you wearing? Shouldn't you be in rehab? Are you drunk right now?"

Day 7

I called some friends to help out with the Paparazzi. Niki came over and tore most of them in half. The rest skedaddled.

"Oh, my God, Dad!" Claire said, looking over my shoulder. "You did not just use the word skedaddled."

"Claire, I'm not Lindsay Lohan. I'm leaving to Hacknor now, and I'm going to be me again."

"Awwwwww!"

I arrived safely at Hacknor and there I was! I ran over to myself and said, "Hey there, sexy."

Godfrey turned around in my body and said, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's Lindsay Lohan!!"

Then Lin came up in Godfrey's body and said, "Oh, thank God! I'm in one piece."

"Yeah, sorry about the thighs though."

"What?" She looked down and screamed.

"Hey, I like ice cream. It's only ten pounds. You'll get by."

One lame Penis joke

2007-06-07T22:59:00.000-05:00

This body swapping is rather confusing. I'm Godfrey, Godfrey's Mr Bennet and Mr Bennet's me. Oh well lets see what Godfrey's got.
I find the lightsaber.
Ffvvvvooooom! The saber lights up.
"Oh Yeah!" I exclaim. This is going to be fun.
Then from out of the sky alights my synthetic Crow sidekick Vandal.
"Hey Lin how's it hanging." he quips.
"How did you know I'm in Godfrey's body?" I asked.
"I read the LGS2 blog like everyone else of course." he explains. "So whats it like to have cojones?"
"Vandal you know I don't speak French." I tell him. "And there's no way I can just use the translator that's in my synthetic brain. I'm a humaniod now."
"Yeah a male one. So I guess you wanna use the one eyed monster huh!" he prompts.
I didn't register.
"The annaconda." said Vandal. I still didn't register so he continued. "The big bopper, your captain picard, the dude piston, elastic warrior, the bald general, hector erector cervix inspector, incredible heat seeking moisture missile ,john thomas, kickstand, long dong silver, mister gerkin." Vandal took a breath at this point.
"C'mon girl you you've got a PENIS!" yelled Vandal in frustration.
"Well duh!" I replied.
"So are you gonna use it?" That randy Crow he really wanted to know.
"Well I sort of can't." I was a bit embarrassed about why I couldn't.
"What's stopping you?" demanded Vandal. "You think he wouldn't be like Henchy if he had your body. Time for some experimentation girl."
"Theres something in the way." I told him and I lifted the Jedi robes to reveal a chastity belt.
"You've got to be kidding!" exclaimed Vandal.
"Yeah thats what I thought." I agreed. "But what's weirder is the mark on it."
Vandal hops closer and reads out whats written on the belt.
"Yoda's choice. Keeping Jedi's privates private. Model #122033 The Ani-kant. Whoa! Those Jedi are more screwed up than I thought."
"You bet have a look at this shirt of Godfrey's I found." I hold the shirt aloft.
"Hah! As if that geek Godfrey's a porn jedi." cackled Vandal.
"So what else do Jedi do?" I asked Vandal.
"Well they go around fighting the forces of the Empire. You know stormtroopers, Darth Vader and all that." relays Vandal. He then produces a piece of paper."This is where they're hanging out in Hacknor. If you hurry you'll stop them in time."
"Truth justice and the Jedi way!" I shout. I turn on my heel go out to stop the evil Empire. I thought I could hear Vandal chuckling, but with these human ears I couldn't hear a thing.

On the way I find these guys in a store shoplifting.
"Stop villains." I command.
"Yeah good one who are you supposed to be, Luke Geekwalker? Nerdy-wan-Obi?" jokes one of the stormtoopers.
"I'm Li... Godfrey Zebulon Jedi master." I tell them. I strike a pose, lightsaber ready to be turned on.
"Yeah! like thats a real Jedi name." laughed the other one. "Reality check dude. If you want a real fight its two against one and that 'saber ain't gonna do sqwat."
"Oh I don't think so." I smile and light the 'saber.
The stormtroopers begin to share profanities. I begin my assault, they turn and run.
I give chase. They run down the street and into a whole cohort of Stormtroopers.
This couldn't be any better.
I let out a loud cry and run headlong at the white horde.

Sometime later......

The cameras flash and the crowd of reporters quiet down. I am ushered out onto the stage flanked by Jon IG and various lawyers.
"Thank you for all coming today." greets Jon IG to the crowd. "Lin as you can see has been returned to her own body. She will read a preprepared statement. No questions will be answered. Lin." Jon looks a bit weary as he tells me to start.
"I am sorry for the incident earlier today." I begin. "I offer a full and complete apology to the Hacknor Star Wars Society and the organisers of the Hacknor Sci-Fi Convention. My actions were rash and fool hardy. Even though I was under the assumption that all Stormtroopers were clones under the control of the Empire. Which in turn was controlled by Emperor Palpatine and lead by the evil Darth Vader. I should have realised that this assumption was wrong. The only comfort I can take from all of this is that I didn't kill anyone." Its here I departed from the preprepared statement. "Sure some people lost limbs and other body parts. Oh! and when I worked out how to do Force Wedgies. Gee that must have hurt. I do hope everyone gets feeling back in their umm privates. I am very sorry."

The cameras flashed violently and they all barked out so many questions. It was very intimidating. Jon and the lawyers led me out of the room.
"Did I do good Jon?" I asked once the door to the media room was closed.
Jon let out a short sigh and then smiled.
"Lin this is just the boost to the shows ratings we've needed. Thank you so much." Jon kissed and hugged me. The lawyers all shook my hand.
"You can join me and Shirley Schmitt-ho tonight?" asked an older lawyer who pinched my bottom and handed me his phone number. "Denny Crane for President you know its good."

Alls well that ends well.

Love you all

Lin

Fun Bags.

2007-06-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents.

At the first call in the morning, we are told to meet Jon for our challenge

Jon: "OK, Gladiators, please move along nicely into this room."

(Oh boy, I been here before). I think. Henchman: "This room looks familiar."

Professor X: "I recognize this as well. Jon, that gender-changing ray isn't in here, is it?"

(Oh no, I don't want to go throught that again.)

Before we can say anthing. We are zapped by a unusual ray.

My vision blurs.

Dark Jedi Kriss: "Something doesn't feel right here."

I feel a little strange.

Jon:" Each of your minds was transfered into another Gladiator's body. Your challenge is to live in that new body for one week."

Professor X is now in Henchman's body.

(Hell no, Hot Wheels better take good care of my body, or else.)

Henchman is now in Dark Jedi Kriss' body.

(Sweet. This awesome, Dark Jedi Kriss's body is smoking.)

Henchman: "Cool, look what I got!"

Dark Jedi Kriss: "Don't you dare! Don't you even touch them!"

(Think quick, think quick.) Henchman: "Hey, it's going to be a week. I'm going to have to wash them."

Dark Jedi Kriss: "Fine but no funny business."

(HA ha, Sucker.) Henchman: Maybe I'll wash 'em a bunch of times. Heh heh." (I sure will.)

So basical, I went from this.

To this.

Not bad. I spend a day and a half in the shower. Hhmmm....Shower.

While washing DJ Kriss's body. (I felt dirty, haw haw.) I found this spot. It only took me two hands.(I wish I had a map through.)

Much to my chagrin. I had to get out of the shower. (What do chicks do now...)

Lotion.( Sweet)

It's now day three and I am a little bored. I try to think what I should do...(Shower, lotion or play with fun bags.) While those things are great to do. I feel, I am wasting time. Then it hits me. Dress up.

I dress up and head out. Time to see what Hacknor has to offer.

I put on this number and get free drinks and a dinner. I took the guy's number and threw it in the trash.Haw haw.

This outfit get me a very nice watch. However, his wife might be mad. He tore it off of her arm to give it to me.

Wow, DJK might a little P.O.ed after this.

Some Dude makes me a offer, 50 grand to be his "Batgirl". I take his money and leave him on the street.

I head back to my room. I played with DKJ's light saber. I, by mistake wreck my room. I love this thing.

On my last night. I set up a photo shoot. For some of my fans.

I had a great time. I took names and broke hearts. Now if you excuse me. I have to take one last shower.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Confession Time

2007-06-04T23:09:00.000-05:00

*A door opens and DJK comes walking into a small room with a camera and sits down on a stool. This is the secret confession room. She looks at the camera and shrugs.*

“This body switch challenge- I thought it would be fun a guy and I still do but this time around, didn’t go as well I thought it would.

“As a Jedi our powers are spread out to each skill with the Force but Xavier’s is concentrated and focused on one. Professor Xavier’s power is intense. It’s wow, a wild ride! The kind power you use for own fun and profit. Like Sith Lord. *Rolls eyes*

“I went a little crazy in Xavier’s body. I used his ability to control minds a little to much. It was fun and it was easy.” *Smiles innocently* “It got out of hand. I went to far. I’ll explain.

“I was outside and some guy in convertible drives by and tosses a beer can at my head, screaming out something negative about the wheelchair. Yeah, one those people. I lost my temper. I ended up taking control of every mind of the Xavier’s school and made them run down the street after the guy with me in the lead with pitchfork in my hand. Grabbed that from the gardener, he wasn’t happy about that. *Shrugs*

“We ran down the street like pack off idiots. Well, they ran I rolled, with help of some turbo jets on Xavier’s chair. I like speed and this thing just didn’t have it. Anyway, the guy in the car looked as if he was going pee his pants in fear. That happens a lot around me, people or things peeing their pants around me. I don’t get it.

“The guy speeds up, I don’t blame him. We still on his tail although, mostly me and my jet powered chair. I made him stop the car and get out. And then I made him dance like a chicken. I mean full-blown funky chicken. It was great! Everyone saw it. Well they had too. I was making them.

“I honesty would kept going but something crossed my mind and I knew Xavier was going to kill me later for this. I let the guy go. The whole week was like this. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t have to do anything, had everyone doing things for me.” *tosses hands* “I abused his power. He is so going hear it when he gets back. His team is not happy.

“My boyfriend, he would so thrilled at me behaving like that.” *makes a disgusted face then points to camera* “I didn’t say that! I want that part cut out!”

*smiles* “I did meet Gambit. Now that’s hot!” *flashes paper* “I got his number so the week wasn’t a totally loss!” *wink*

How low can I get? I don't want to know

2007-06-04T00:20:00.000-05:00

I blink and suddenly I'm not in my own body anymore WTF?I dared a glance in the mirror.. If I wouldn't have had the Jedi discipline, I probably would have screamed like a kid in a horror movie.

I was in Mr. Benett's body.

When I heard the challenge I was silently thanking the stars it was only one week.. but there was another problem.. Pho. I had to let her know what was going on so she wouldn't worry..

And the guest judge is Anakin.. well talk about a small world.

With what few tools I had in my bags I somehow managed to construct a voice changer chip. I say somehow because my new body's fingers are NOT cut out for mechanics. It was then I gave Pho a call. She was nearly frantic.

" Godfrey? what's happened? your force signature just cut off.. I can't feel you!"

I took a deep breath" Pho listen to me.. it's about the new challenge for LGS2. I'm in a different body.. Just trust me.. it will all be over in a week.. until then it might be better we don't com all that much."

She burst into hysterics. I could hear her sobbing over the com.. Great just great

" Look it'll be fine okay? things are starting to wind down here.. I promise when this week is up I will call you as SOON as I am back in my body.. okay?"

"O..okay.. " She was sniffing pretty badly.. I hadn't meant to upset her that much..

" See you soon.. Love you"

" Love you too Godfrey.. please be careful"

I couldn't say anymore.. I just hung up, feeling like the biggest fool on the face of the planet.

I only wanted to shut myself in my room and stay there but that wouldn't have been anywhere's near productive. So I went for a run across the Island.

It took me twice as long to get back thanks to the stitches I kept getting in my side. Then I threw myself into training.. something repetitive.. old kata ,basic line drills.. I just didn't want to think about anything much.

Then it occurred to me, the library!

I finally found it after getting lost several dozen times. My sense of direction was never this bad.. I had to explain a thing or two to Mr. Benett when this was over. For the rest of that day I read every book within my reach. I did find one interesting one though.. " The tale of the Body thief"

The next day it was much of the same. Finally when I gave up on reading I was just going to leave the library whenever Professor Xavier( or should I say Professor DJ?) rolled up.

" I haven't seen you around since the start of this challenge.. What's wrong? You look terrible"

I chanced a glance in a hallway mirror. I did look horrible.. My hair was a mess, I needed a shave badly.. just to start.. I looked like the beginnings of a demon grizzly Adams

" I tried to call Pho yesterday to explain things to her and I upset her really bad.. I feel awful"

A smile then" Well instead of moping around about it, first go clean up then you and I can put our heads together and plan"
I supposed she was right so I went and got myself looking presentable.. Then I rejoined her in the main room.

" What should I do? I hate upsetting her like this but I didn't want her to panic.."

" Flowers"

"flowers?"

"Yes flowers, and chocolate. .Send her that with an apology note.. By the time you get home things will be fine.. in fact, I'll ask for some help at the photography agency. Sundru owes me a favor"

After that my spirits were lifted immensely.. That is until the cell phone started ringing.

" Hello? Mr. Benett?"

Was that.. Palpatine?

*cough* " Ah yes hello Norbert.. What brings you to the phone today?"

" I was wondering when those papers were going to be ready"

" Papers? um I'm sorry.. things have been so busy lately you'll have to refresh my memory"

" the papers to take over the Chucky Cheese on Alderann and Hacknor. With those empires under my belt.. The galaxy is only one step away!" He starts laughing manically.. and by then I'm like.. " what in the world has he been smoking?

Click.
Not five minutes later the phone rings again.
*heavy breathing* Hello DJ?"
What the force?
" Vader DJ isn't around you twit so I suggest you give up your melodramatic schemes of world domination and go work in a nursing home!"
Click
20 minutes.. all I ask is 20 minutes.. it rings again
" Hello?"
" hello Clarice.."
" Look I'm not Clarice.. go back to psycho ward!"
Click
AGH I swear if that bloody phone rings again I'll..
*riinngngggg*
Taking a deep breath I answer again
" hello?"
" the man who did the waking offers the man who was sleeping a drink while the man who was sleeping listens to a proposition from the man who did the waking":
WTH?
I had it.. I snuck into the kitchen where Jon was busy fixing himself a triple Decker gladiator mcburger with the works and shoved the phone between the tomatoes and the ketchup.
Mr. Benett. I'll buy you a new phone.. Jon I hope you like your burgers crispy.. And Synth, to take a quote from the insane idiot who called me the last time" Please.. don't do anything stupid.. "
Now I get to wait...
Oh joy
I HATE waiting
Until Later
Godfrey (in Mr.Benett's body)

Yo!

2007-06-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

Yo, babies, Anakin Skywalkerhere. I’m guest judging this week, seeing how Erifa has once again found something better to do. I’m kidding. Actually I think she went to a to have her lekras cosmetically altered to hold rocket launchers.

You know your challenge and its not easy. A body switch. You’ll be in someone else’s body for a week. Can you handle it? We will see.

I have researched you. I know who would do what and who wouldn’t. So good luck.

Challenge #7

2007-06-03T22:12:00.000-05:00

Jon: OK, Gladiators, please move along nicely into this room.

Henchman: This room looks familiar.

Professor X: I recognize this as well. Jon, that gender-changing ray isn't in here, is it?

Jon: No no, of course not. Don't be silly.

The contestants are suddenly bathed in an unusual ray.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Something doesn't feel right here.

Mr. Bennet: You're right, I fell a bit... shorter.

Synth-Lin: I'm taller. And my voice is deeper!

Jon: Each of your minds was transfered into another Gladiator's body. Your challenge is to live in that new body for one week.

Godfrey: One week?

Jon: Well, you know, give or take. It's not an exact science. Here's the breakdown of how your minds got moved:

Dark Jedi Kriss is now in Professor Xavier's body.

Godfrey is now in Mr. Bennet's body.

Professor X is now in Henchman's body.

Henchman is now in Dark Jedi Kriss' body.

Mr. Bennet is now in Synth-Lin's body.

And Synth-Lin is in Godfrey's body.

Henchman: Cool, look what I got!

Dark Jedi Kriss: Don't you dare! Don't you even touch them!

Henchman: Hey, it's going to be a week. I'm going to have to wash them.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Fine but no funny business.

Henchman: Maybe I'll wash 'em a bunch of times. Heh heh.

Jon: Good luck on the challenge Gladiators. You will have a special guest judge this week as well. Your judge is Anakin Skywalker.

Synth-Lin: This is really creepy. You sure everything will be all right in a week?

Jon: Of course, everything will be back to normal at the end of this challenge.

Dark Jedo Kriss: It better be.

Professor Xavier: Don't worry, everyone, I have the upmost confidence in Jon and his challenge here. I am sure everything will be fine.

Jon: Thank you, Professor.

Professor Xavier: And if it isn't, I can just transfer his mind into the body of a monkeyboy.

Jon: Ulp.

Challenge #6, Judgement

2007-06-03T21:50:00.000-05:00

Well Gladiators, looks like this candidate lost by a landslide.

Who among you is incapable of leading a pig to a poke?

Who thinks he's all smooth but is really a big fat jerk?

That's right, it's Rummy.

Er, I mean, uh, he wasn't a participant, was he?

Heh heh.

Whose turn is it to fly on out of here?

Nathan Petrelli, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.
Stay tuned for Challenge #7.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Acme Masonry.

At Acme Masonry, we follow the blueprints exactly.

Call Acme Masonry today!

Judgement Letter from Summer Dawn O'Ciardha

2007-06-02T12:58:00.000-05:00

Last-Gladiator Standing Contestants,

I have enjoyed being your judge. I hope that you didn’t find me too terribly annoying or witchy. I have read all of your posts and have decided who has won this competition.

I need to point out several things, the first, when I said “I didn’t Notice any mistakes.” This meant that I enjoyed your post enough to miss them. I was looking, but if it was amusing then I was wanting to know what would happen next.

The next is; I am judging you on completing the competition, instead of what amused me most. What would be most entertaining to the Queen?

Godfrey Zebulon, at first when I read your post, I was disappointed. It was not entertaining to me. More importantly it would not be entertaining to the Queen of the Galaxy. Perhaps this was easiest for you to write, but you should have thought what a Queen of the Galaxy would enjoy.

Nathan Petrelli, I enjoy how you played to what I would possibly like. Deducing the fact that I am a goth, and then you assumed I had seen Rocky Horror. Good call,because I have, and I enjoyed it. It is a cult classic. Did you play to the Queen, not your judge? I don’t think as much as you could have.

Dark Jedi Kriss, congratulations on posting the fake-ventriloquist-real-person show first. Apparently several other contestants wanted to use it. I seem to remember reading several of these themes on Master Yoda’s Blog. As I was reading it, I was thinking so far, that this was the most what a Queen would be entertained with.

Professor Xavier, may I open with, what possessed you to think that a speech would be the most entertaining thing for a Queen to hear? She would have to make a thousand of them, then at the same time, she would have to hear a thousand of them. Terrible call. Likewise, I also know that your post wasn’t based around that, it was based around the slapstick at the end of it with the chair and Petrelli. I don’t know, Professor.

Synth Lin, What in the world possessed you to use Napoleon Dynamite? To entertain the Queen of the Galaxy. You chose him. A modern cult classic was lost on me. But I imagine you are a young author as well, and that would be gold to you. But this isn’t about what I enjoy, its about what a Queen would enjoy, and would the Queen enjoy a dance? I don’t know. Maybe a classical ballet, maybe the lower-form of dancing used by the movie would have worked. As an upside, I do enjoy your pictures.

Noah Bennet, sad times are these. Your fake-ventriloquist-real-person show came too late. I do like the ingenuity you used to make up for it at the end with a stand-up comedy routine. You ripped into the other team. Why did you spare your team? Why did you spare yourself? From what I gathered your character is in politics, how well does mudslinging actually work? As far as the Queen is concerned, would she have enjoyed the puppet show? No. It’s already been done. As for the standup routine. She probably would have enjoyed that.

Henchman 432, big muscular guys, sweeping the Queen away, led by a minion of some megalomaniac would be a frightening experience. Personal body-guards would have shot you all. As for pampering her, I would have liked what you dished out for her, but as I mentioned in my comment, would she have enjoyed it? She’s the Queen of the Galaxy, she would have the best services available to pamper her, and she could simply order a day off to do such a thing.

If it was up to me, I would chose someone completely different for the winner. I will even name this person after I announce the winner, so there is no confusion. However, I am judging who would have entertained the Queen of the Galaxy most.

Those who were the ones I felt would have done such a job were, Henchman 432, Dark Jedi Kriss, and Mr. Noah Bennet.

As for the winner of these three, Mr. Noah Bennet; you have won this competition, reap the benefits of your hard work, and be sure to use the temporary immunity to its fullest. May I suggest spending a night in the graveyard?

I also want to thank you for allowing me to be a judge, and I hope I wasn’t too harsh. I didn’t want to be as light-hearted as your judge Erifia, nor did I want to be as insulting as Simon. I wanted to be informative, and impartial.

Thank you again, competitors and Jon,

Summer Dawn O’Ciardha.

Ps. The ones who I enjoyed the most were Dark Jedi Kriss, Mr. Bennet (Stand-up part of his post), and Nathan Petrelli, and if I was judging for myself, Petrelli would have won.

Pss. Please visit my blog, I love vistors, “The O'Ciardha Clan”.

Henchy's Pizza

2007-06-02T09:46:00.001-05:00

Ladies and Gents.

This week challenge: Galacta, Queen of the Galaxy is visiting Planet Hacknor. It is your job to entertain her.Work with your teammates to put on a variety show for the Queen. Use whatever talents you have: sing, tap dance, juggle, tell jokes, do a soliloquy, the sky's the limit.

Lin, Bennet and I had done the first part. Now I need to try and seal the deal.

I make a call to my friends from the Thunder down under

They send me "Lighting" and

"Bolt". They will help me with tending to the needs of the Queen, while I serve...

Wait for it.

...

Henchy's Pizza.

It is a Gourmet lobster pizza. But, that's not all. When I serve Henchy's pizza. It's about the care, I give to you.

Henchy's Pizza is for the Ladies only

The Queen enters.

"Ha, She laughs "Do you think, I have not this service at my Homeworld. I am a Queen."

I softly tell her it's not about treating as a Queen, but as a Woman. For every woman is a Queen.

Lighting and Bolt massage the Queen as the Piano starts to play.

Cue Piano.

Rhapsody Rabbit Scene
Uploaded by voiceman91

After the Mud bath and Apricot scrub. The Queen gets a manicure by Lighting, while getting a pedicure by Bolt. I, in turn am making a wonderful dinner.

The three of us kneel in our loin colth's hand feeding the Her greatness.

Gradually, the tension from ruling worlds fades from her body.The Klingon blood wine makes her feel a little flush.

However, I had one more thing in mind for her.

We make a beautful Vase. She slips me her private number.

Dental for All.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Mission Six

2007-06-02T04:01:00.000-05:00

Mr. Bennet shows off his comedic side....

"No, don't worry. You won't have to perform. You can be the director."

"Oh, good," I replied.

Moments later, I found myself sitting in the middle of the stage with that synthetic liar on my leg.

"Boo!" Some punk yelled out. "No more ventriloquist acts!"

I agreed with him, except for the boo part. My idea was to do an origami opera. But Lin claims to have stage experience, so Henchman and I had to do whatever she wanted.

"Hello," I said nervously. The spotlight was magnified through my glasses, nearly blinding me. "I'm....uh..."

"Ugly?" The synthetic pseudo-dummy asked.

"Mr. Bennet, but you can call me Noah." I finished.

"Noah? Where's your giraffes?"

"They," crap...I forgot my line. "..did something,"

The audience broke out in insane laughter.

"So," Dum-Lin said, "You know what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?"

"Finding...half," Half what? A shoe? A dime! Wait, no."...a worm in it?"

"The Holocaust." The audience laughed and moaned and she continued, "You ever wonder why celebrity sex photos weren't a problem in Ben Franklin's days?" I was impressed by her dummy skills.

"Hmmm..." I feigned bewilderment. "Why is that?"

"The men finished before the cameras could!"

All of a sudden, I was nearly impaled in the leg by something. What the heck is that? Some object was digging into my thigh. I tried shifting positions.

"Guess what?"

Ouch! I tried moving Lin to my other leg, but couldn't lift her. "Uh, what?" I said, trying to stay committed to the act.

"Kittens don't make good volleyballs."

The microphone transmitter! Gah! I kicked my knee up in an attempt to bounce her massive synthoid body over a bit, but instead she fell off onto the stage with a loud thud.

The act was clearly ruined! But I had a back up plan. I ran off stage and into my dressing room, which was more a cubicle in the alley than it was a room. There on the vanity was my trusty comedy notebook. I picked it up and looked at the first page.

Fountains of the Abyss
It was a cold night.

No! It was my novel, not my comedy. Where was my comedy notebook?

I looked everywhere. I looked in the trash, under lighting technicians, over tall stuff. I even checked the Denny's down the road. Nothing, but I did order a Grand Slam!

I ran back to the theatre and looked harder than ever. But then I felt my Grand Slam rounding third base. Immediately I made my way into the restroom.

A knock at the door came. It was Henchman. "Hey, we're about to go on."

"Just a minute!" I hollered back. And there it was! Sitting atop the toilet paper holder was my notebook. I opened it. My brilliantly written comedy insult bit of the other team was there, begging to go on stage. But unfortunately, my digestive system had other plans.

Eventually, I made it out of the restroom alive and ran to the stage. The audience was applauding loudly and Lin, Henchman and some retard were walking off stage. I ran up and said, "And now, a little bit about the opposing team..."

Before I could begin, Lin ran up and grabbed me. "No stand-up!" she said and drug me off stage.

"Jon hates stand-up," Henchman said.

Crap! I almost secured our victory with my act. Here's what I didn't get to perform because of my teammates and Denny's:

Pokemybootie
What do Jedi, politicians and paraplegics have in common? Apparently, bad breath.

I used to think the only good politician was a dead one, until I met Nathan Petrelli. First I thought he was a Democrat because of all the sex. Then it seemed like he was selfish enough to be a Republican. But now that he's dead, I realize he's actually Green Party, since he'll never win the White House. He's self-absorbed and incompetent enough to run a school for mutants.

And if there's one thing creepier than the smiling ghost of a dead politician, it's Jedi paparazzi. Why doesn't Kriss have a real job? I mean, she's a friggin' Jedi. Surely that has to stand for something on a resume. "Sure we're an order devoted to protecting the Republic and upholding the highest of virtues....but I'd rather just take pictures." She's clearly lost focus of what it means to be a Jedi. Maybe her aim is just so terrible, she needs a wide lens to hit anything. And guys, don't waste your time. She's a cat person. She can develop film, but not relationships.

Speaking of relationships, do you ever wish your mutant child could have a father figure in his life? How about a creepy, older gent confined to a wheelchair? There's nothing like hands-on learning.

Learning's a good thing after all. Sure, there's the drawbacks of mutant pedophilia. But knowledge can be a wondrous thing. Something so-called Jedi Knight Godfrey Zebulon will never have. There's more wisdom to be found in used toilet paper than in his sorry excuse for a brain. And I've seen better lightsaber form from a mayonnaise jar. Instead of a padawan, he was a padded one. He had to wear full body padding just to keep the other younglings from killing him in battle. I guess when your Mommy and Daddy are royalty, skill isn't a prerequisite to knighthood.

It's gold, baby!

Inuendo-a-go-go

2007-06-02T03:33:00.000-05:00

I was so excited, this challenge played to all my strengths. Unfortunately it was rather hard to elicit any excitement from my mere male teammates.
All Mr. Bennet wanted to do was a play. Really, doesn't he understand the whole concept of the term Variety Show?
Henchy's advice wasn't much better.
"Why don't you shoot ping pong balls?" he asked with a devilish grin.
I asked him for some more detail on what kind of act he meant. I have to say that such an act would be considered quite vulgar. I'm very sure despite the novelty of such an act, her majesty would not appreciate it being performed in front of her. Mind you I did spend a while thinking about the mechanics of it all.

I did away with that act and decided to perform some light comedy with Mr Bennet. And then a dance routine with Henchy and Mr Bennet and some synthoid dancers that I made.

I was so nervous before the curtain opened to start the show. If I was human I'd have thrown up all over the place. Unfortunately Mr Bennet did when Dark Jedi Kris stole our thunder doing the old fake ventriloquist gag before us.

Going on after Dark Jedi Kris and Yoda was more than a bit embarrassing. Not to mention the fact that Mr Bennet was feeling rather awkward with me sitting on his lap. I have to admit I did detect an increase in his heart rate and his breathing. But surely that was just stage fright. He was very stiff in his delivery. His lines never came on time, always too late or too soon. Then he started shifting me around as if he was trying to adjust something. Then with all his shifting and shuffling I lost balance and fell off his lap. The crowd all fell to pieces thinking this was a part of the act. It wasn't and the curtain came quickly down. The last I saw of Mr Bennet was him dashing back stage.

Of course next was the dace routine but I couldn't find Mr Bennet. Henchy told me that he was still in the bathroom getting over the premature cancellation of our ventriloquist act. Well I think thats what he said. Anyway we found a replacement who was quite firm in his resolve that he wouldn't go limp and under perform with me. Which was a miracle. There was not enough time to make a synthoid Mr Bennet.
Anyway its impossible to find good dancers on Hacknor, the national dance is the Clogen-stoffel. Its only danced by men because they wear 12 pound steel clogs.You can't really dance but you can sure shuffle or stoffel as its called. You can pick an old Clogen-stoffeler they all have at least one leg missing.

So we got the dance underway.
As the strains of Jamiraquai's Canned Heat began I entered the stage and I was soon joined by our fill in dancer and Henchy. Henchy and I began and the fill in simply ignored the routine and just danced by himself.

I was appalled.

"Just go with the flow Lin." advised Henchy and he joined in. I stood there just watching the two dance free-form to the music. The crowd began clapping along with the beat encouraging more and more outrageous moves from the dancers.
Of course I joined in and by the end of the song the three of us were given a standing ovation.

Love you all.

Lin

The Show Must Go On

2007-06-01T18:44:00.000-05:00

Our team meeting had started with a long awkward silence. I had been expecting that stooge Petrelli to try and take over. Apparently he was waiting for me to do the same. Fine, I'll play his game.

"I'm thinking that we should do some kind of skit," I said, "with all four of us. It could have a comedic motif. Perhaps something about the Gladiators or about our experiences here. Maybe we could-"

"How about we do an opera?" Petrelli interrupted. "Something romantic."

"Sorry, I don't sing," I replied.

"We could mime it," he suggested.

"Mime? You want us to mime an opera?"

"Look Hot Wheels, when I was starting my first campaign for public office I had to work-"

"No one care, Petrelli," I told him. "No one is listening. Why don't you just go off and talk to yourself?"

"What? You mean like a monologue?" I could see the gears slowly turning in his head. "I could do that. I could give my victory speech. It's really good. I had a Hollywood guy write it."

And with that he got up and left. Godfrey followed after him, mumbling something about having to prepare.

That left just me and Kriss, which was just fine with me. I've been wanting to spend some one on one time getting to know her better. There's something about exotic aliens I find very sexy. Turning to her, I gave her my best winning smile.

"Well that's just great," she said angrily. "You two act like such pathetic little children."

And then she got up and left. So much for our team meeting. Now you see why I put someone else in charge of the X-Teams.

Obviously Petrelli was going to need some pay back for making me look bad in front of Kriss. And for being Petrelli. It wouldn't be revenge though. It would be purely for instructional purposes.

My plan worked perfectly. When Petrelli popped out of the cake dressed in negligee and make-up I nearly fell out of my seat with laughter. Unfortunately I had spent so much time putting my little plan together, I didn't have much left to come up with my entertainment.

I decided to go with Old Reliable - my very stirring speech about humans and mutants living together in brotherhood and love. I'll have you know it has been compared to Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, usually favorably.

When Kriss was done with her stand up act, I moved to the center of the stage in my hover chair. I began with a discussion of the genetic characteristics that distinguish mutants from humans. To be honest, the Queen didn't seem that interested. I was confident that by the end, she would be moved to tears.

I had just gotten up to the part about the benefits to society of diversity when a sarcastic voice called out, "You call this entertainment? I've seen more interesting things come out of the wrong end of Dick Cheney's pants."

"Wha-?" I quickly scanned the audience but couldn't see who had heckled me.

"An elevator music version of Air Supply stuck in a loop would be more interesting than that pap you're spouting."

To my embarrassment, Queen Galacta started laughing. How does she know who Air Supply is?

"You have about as much charisma as the garden slug I found crawling in the dirt last week."

I spun around and saw Nathan Petrelli walking on the stage towards me. He was still dressed in that ridiculous negligee. He looked garish with the makeup. He had caught me off guard and I just sat there stunned that he was humiliating the both of us like that. By the time I had recovered, he was standing next to me.

"You know what your problem is, Hot Wheels?" he asked sarcastically. As he spoke, he rested a hand on my arm rest. The one with the controls to the chair. "You just don't have-"

His words were cut short as he activated the booster jets in my hover chair. Suddenly I sky-rocketed straight up in the air over the audience. Petrelli was hanging on for dear life, screaming like a girl the whole time.

I tried desperately to regain control of the chair but all that was happening was that we zigged and zagged in wild circles, nearly crashing into the ceiling or the stage. The audience shrieked as we dive bombed them. I realized the chair was heading on a direct collision course with the Queen.

In a last ditch effort not to kill her, I cut all the power to my chair. It promptly turned upside down, dumping Nathan and I in a heap on the stage before it crashed into the orchestra pit.

As I lifted my weary head, I heard a horrific sound. The audience was laughing hysterically - at me.

My Go

2007-05-29T22:21:00.001-05:00

I sat thinking for hours. What should I do? I’m Jedi so I can fight but I knew Godfrey would be showing his skills and two of us doing that wouldn’t work. Besides, I don’t need to ‘show off’ my skills to amuse anyone.

I had a few ideas. One being that I could don my Slave Girl outfit from when I was Jaba’s slave for a week and do my Slave Girl dance. (Shameless Self Promotion: see up coming blog entries for this story!) But that was a nightmare. I hated that costume. I didn’t fit right and if you bent over to far, people could see to Hoth. So that was out.

“You could do something funny,” a little voice in my head told me.

“Like what? I’m not funny!” I said.

“Do a Yoda puppet act.”

“I don’t have a Yoda puppet.” An idea struck me. “Where’s my comm? I have an idea!”

So when I did walk out on the stage. I did have a Yoda puppet. I bowed to the queen and sat down, carefully arraigning the puppet on my lap.

“This Grand Master Yoda, the wisest of all the Jedi,” I said.

“Wisest and best looking of all the Jedi I am,” the puppet says.

“Now I wouldn’t say that, Yoda.”

His Glimmer stick tapped my knee. “Short and green I am. Make for a sexy man it does!”

“I think the Queen would like to hear some words of wisdom from you,” I said. “Why don’t you impress her with some of the things you teach us at the Jedi Temple.”

Yoda’ moves his head and looks at the queen. “A Cheeto you should never stick up your nose.”

“You would be referring to Master Obi-Wan.”

“Always with a Cheetos up his nose he is! Sneezes cheese dust everywhere bad for good relations with Wookies!”

“What about Wookies?” I asked.

“Shed on your couch they will. Clog up your Hover Vac it does, very messy. Groom your Wookie twice a week!”

“How about advice on teaching a Padawan?”

Yoda lifts his stick. “Beat them with a pickle.”

“Excuse me?”

“A pickle, you must beat them with a pickle!”

I looked shocked. “My Master never beat me with a pickle!”

Yoda looks at me. “You see how you turned out.” He whips out a large dill pickle and starts hitting my head. “Not beat enough you were! Running off with Darth Vader! A bigger pickle I should beat you with!”

“I didn’t run off with Vader- “

Whap! Whap! Whap! “Force Wedgies you should have. Twice a day.”

With one hand I took the pickle from him and smiled embarrassedly at the Queen. “I don’t think our Queen wants to see you hitting me with a pickle, Master Yoda.”

Yoda sighs. “When 900 years old you reach, handle your beer better you can,” he says.

“Why do you say that, Master?”

“Find Skywalker knocked out on the roof I do. Hold his liquor he can, but hold himself he cannot. The Chosen One cannot walk with beer in him! Or ale, wine, or water for that matter.”

“Water?”

“Bloats him it does.”

“I see.”

“And Mace Windu, shaves his head with a mini lightsaber,” he spat.

“I didn’t- “

“And Chancellor Palpatine has a gerbil up his-“

I slapped a hand over his mouth. “Okay, that enough of that.”

“Chimney,” Yoda shoved my hand off and said.

“What?”

“I was going to say, up his chimney. What you think I meant to say?” His eyes widened. “Pervert you are!” Out comes a larger pickle and the head bashing begins again.

I stood up. “If you’ll excuse me, my Lady, it’s time for Master Yoda’s Jello bath.”

“Better be green Jello or very upset I will!” Yoda snaps off. “With strawberries and whipped cream!”

I bowed and Yoda in my arms bowed. I left the stage, but I looked back and the Queen was laughing as was everyone else. I looked at Godfrey, who looked as if he was about to pee his pants.

Back stage, I sat the Yoda puppet down and looked around. There was no one around us. Suddenly Yoda looks up at me.

“Owe me you do for this!” he said jumping down. “A good puppet I am not!”

I nodded. “I know. Thank you, Master, for your help.”

Yoda leaned on his stick. “Send those pictures of me and Mrs. Dolly Parton to the Temple you will. Negatives, too.”

“Yes, Master, I will.”

He hobbles to the backdoor where outside a ship is waiting for him, turns at the door and stares back at me. I waited to see what he was going to say.

“May the dill pickle be with you,” he muttered and Force tossed a pickle that slapped me between the eyes.

I heard him muttering as he got on the ship, “Stupid Monkeyboys! Nanners! Need a good pickle they do!”

Sigh. I hate to give up those pics but oh well.

I have to shower once again. I smell like Yoda and old pickles.

Cake, Ladies Undergarments, & Bald Guys…It wasn’t my fault!

2007-05-29T08:40:00.000-05:00

After receiving the latest challenge, the remaining members of the Pokemybootie team had a brief meeting. We discussed our talents and how we wanted to use them in our variety act. I was so relieved to find out our latest challenge was so easy, I didn’t even object to Professor Hot Wheels when he suggested I deliver a monologue. (It’s about time he acknowledged by excellent oratory skills.)

As everyone filed out of the meeting, I decided to modify my victory speech to Congress and use it as my monologue. I'll start with my victory speech. It’s brief, it’s poignant, and it accentuates my exceptional leadership qualities. In fact, it is too short. I think I will throw in a few lines from Hamlet in order to demonstrate my flexibility as an orator. Beat that, Hot Wheels. By the time I pulled my monologue together, Godfrey was already on stage. I was grateful for the extra time because I had to send a messenger to pick up a proper suit for me to wear. (A side-effect of the necromancer being in close proximity is my new found corporal body, and this happened just as I was getting used to my ghostly body.)

…Anyway, while waiting for my suit, I decided to practice my monologue. (Ummm, Clears Throat. Ummm) "A landslide! That's what they called it! During my campaign I spoke a lot about family. My mother is here tonight, my wife, and the boys. I'm sorry my brother can't be with us. But I know Peter cares about this city more than…" (Breaking off my rehearsal…) I called out, “Hey! You there…Is that my suit?”

Delivery Guy: “Are you Nathan Petrelli?”

(Laying down my speech…)

“Yes. Congressman Nathan Petrelli.”

Delivery Guy: “Well this is for you.”

I took the suit from him and went directly to the dressing room. I knew Godfrey would be a while, so I jumped into the shower. When I came out, my old clothes were gone and so was my bag. On the bed, I found a box and a note which read, “I believe this will be complimentary to your character.” The note was unsigned, but when I opened the box, I knew that bald #@%# had struck again. As those of you who were in the audience may have guessed, in the box, was a negligee. At this point, there was only one thing I could think of doing.

I screamed, “D@#% you, HOT WHEELS!!!”

My outburst didn’t make me feel better; and it didn’t change my predicament. I had no choice but to put on the negligee. My only other option was to go naked and with an underage girl roaming about, that was not going to happen. After putting on the negligee, I attempted to make sure all the major areas were covered. I then slipped on the matching stilettos, and wobbled out into the hall. I must have fallen over twelve times before making it back to the table where I laid my speech.

Clutching the speech in my hand, I went to the edge of the stage and peeked out into the crowd. Godfrey was still knocking it out to the cheap seats, so I hobbled to the hair and make-up chair and told the stylist to give me a quick trim before I had to go on stage. He grumbled something under his breath, and then offered to give me a wash, rinse, and a shave…Well; I thought that was nice of him. I hoped he wasn’t getting the wrong idea because of the negligee…….To make a long story somewhat less long, I dosed off while the stylist was washing my hair.

When I woke up, the stylist was shoving the speech into my hand and telling me the Queen was waiting, so I hobbled/ran to the side entrance and bumped into…Professor Hot Wheels.

Hot Wheels: “Not that way old boy. You have to make your entrance through the trap door under the stage. The affect is quite splendid.”

Me: “Like I would believe you.”

Hot Wheels: “Well you can always try walking across the slippery stage in your lady shoes.”

Me: “Blast you again, Hot Wheels!”

As I made my way under the stage and began climbing the steps that led to center stage, I thought to myself, “Boy, there sure are a lot of steps here, and why do I smell cake?”

When I got to the last step, I pushed up on the stage door; but it wouldn’t budge. (I hoped nothing was on top of it.) I stuck the paper with my speech on it in my mouth, and used both hands to push up on the stage door. This time, the door gave way and I toppled over the edge of the…CAKE?!

OH…MY…GAWD!!! Hot Wheels tricked me into popping out of a cake…while wearing a negligee…in front of Queen Galacta!! I searched the through the crowd of performers at the side of the stage and made eye contact with…HIM. Can you believe he had the nerve to feign surprise?

It was then that I noticed my reflection in a mirror set up on the stage… OH…MY…GAWD!!! What did that stylist do to me?

The room was dead silent. I looked toward the side of the stage again and saw Dark Jedi motioning toward my mouth. Oh yes, my speech! There wasn’t much I could do, so I pulled the paper from my mouth, cleared my throat, and looked down at the piece of paper that turned out to be the last nail in my proverbial coffin.

With a huge sigh, I began to read/sing the monologue Hot Wheels had substituted in place of my real speech…

“It’s astounding…Time is fleeting…Madness takes its toll, but listen closely. (Not for very much longer.) I’ve got to… keep control. I remember doing the time warp. Drinking those moments with the black liquid in me and the voice would be calling…Let’s do the time warp again…Let’s do the time warp again…

It’s just a jump to the left.
(And then a jump to the ri—ght.)
Put your hands on your hips.
(And put your feet insi—de.)”

(SIGH) Unfortunately, since I didn’t have any back up singers, I didn’t sound even this good.

Finally, the most humiliating night of my life came to an end. I looked toward Queen Galacta. The expression on her face was familiar. I had seen it somewhere before… Oh yeah…I know where I saw it.

What a disaster! How can I hope to smooth this over? I can’t even flirt with the judge because she is underage.

“HOT WHEELS!! Vengeance will be mine!!”

Judge O’Ciardha, please don’t send me to Hell. It wasn’t my fault. I swear. (Sniff, Sniff)

Why me???

2007-05-29T02:48:00.000-05:00

When I heard that Queen Galacta was visiting and we were to put on a variety show.. I was surprised.. I was half listening to the team meeting, not very Jedi of me.. but my head was already dancing with ideas..

"So who's doing what?" Professor Xavier asked.

You could hear a pin drop the room fell so quiet.

" Anyone got any ideas? " I asked casting a dubious eye from one person to the other.

Kriss looked up from where she seemed to be deep in thought" I could always do something funny.. " she said, still unsure seemingly, talking more to herself than to us..

" Okay look when you've figured out who's doing what, come find me I'll be outside.. I have some planning to do."

" But Godfrey you're part of this team too.. you should be here for this" Xavier protested

" Look with all due respect Professor, I already have my idea in mind.. I just need to fine tune it. And I can't do that in here."

I headed out the door, Nathan I could see was about to protest but Kriss stopped him" just trust him.. whatever he's got going.. it'll be good."

I called my bo staff into my hands with the force as soon as I was out on the lawn. A concentrated look brought the rest of the weapons I had brought with me out into a neat pile under a tree. Spinning the bo in my hands I began running through bits and pieces of different katas, deciding what would work and wouldn't.

Then another idea came to me.

When we were called before the queen to put on our show I could see she wouldn't be and easy woman to entertain.. I just hoped my demonstration would keep her entertained.

I pulled a remote control from my pocket and pressed a button. in walked a sparring droid. A little nifty thing I had found rummaging through the storage closet.. Apparently from what I found out it was one of the scraped droids from last year's competition. I had repaired it and set

it to my powers and strength.

What better opponent than yourself?

We both bowed to the queen" A demonstration of the power and prowess of a Jedi and a DaiShujo warrior. " It might have sounded a little show offy but it was the best I could think of.

The droid and I took our positions , staves in hand and we began to spar. Everything else fell away as I pressed the advantage against the droid who stumbled and I used my staff to snap the one it had in hand.

Sais fired out from it's titanium arms and I rolled my staff behind me, using a force flip to reach the windowsill and snatched up my own sais from the ledge, bringing one up to block while spinning the other in my hand to embed it in the chest plate. The droid ducked away and came up so my arm was pinned between it's two titanium ones. Did I mention it's not a good idea to give a droid weapons? Well I seem to be finding things out the hard way now a days.

Not good.

I spun out on my heel and sent it flying into the wall . I ran after it, tonfa now in my hand where my sai had been. Bashing the droid alongside the head one of the sensors popped out flying to the floor.

Titanium fingers closed on my shoulder and squeezed harshly. My teeth gritted in pain and I brought my fist up into the steel before doing a back handspring away and snatching up my staff.

The droid came running at me, two short swords in hand . Bam one flying out of his hand embedding in the wall . A twist and the other clattered to the floor.

Now for the finisher.

I tripped up the droid with my staff and a slight of hand I learned and a force trick , my staff was resting against the wall and I pulled out my double bladed saber.

Throwing stars shot from the hidden cannons on it's arms and I cut through them swiftly, making sure not to make my strokes too wide otherwise someone might get hurt.

Finally returning to our original positions the droid charged one last time, sort of like old battle holos of Ventress I had seen. I only had to raise my saber straight forward.

The droid stopped, seemingly frozen. Then a loud clatter and the droid fell to the floor, headless.
I straightened and bowed to the Queen once more" Your highness" I shut of my saber and tucked it away before bringing the droid to the box near the door. A force push sent it out of the way and out of sight in the hallway.

Once I had been dismissed I went out into the hall and took a seat. Force be thankful that the droid didn't have a stronger grip otherwise I might have been out of this competition. For now.. I needed an aspirin.. no wait make that 2 of them.

Until Later
Godfrey

(Sidenote.. I'm out of town today and I am busy for the rest of this week.. So the post had to go up tonight. My apologies to my teammates if I jumped ahead too fast)

A Letter from Summer Dawn O'Ciardha

2007-05-27T23:22:00.000-05:00

Dearest Last-Gladiator Standing 2 Contestants,

My name is Summer Dawn O’Ciardha, of “The O'Ciardha Clan” and I have been asked, and have asked to be your judge for the competition. This is a great honor.

First, I need to tell you a little about myself. I am sixteen years old, I go to a small-town school, and I have a boyfriend named Christopher. I am also a necromancer. For those of you who do not know what a Necromancer is, this means I can make lifeless corpses into my minions.

Sometimes, I think it is a shame that I am not evil, I could do some truly terrible things. I don’t really have a job, but I do the upkeep of the town in which I go to school in. This upkeep means I take care of the supernatural threats in the town.

I’ve killed werewolves banished spirits, fought vampires, and exorcized demons. All for the good of humanity… Even though I think humans are selfish, self-seeking, self-righteous idiots.

Sorry… That comes with the attitude, I’m a straight-A-student, and a goth, but, you have to think, would anything else be acceptable for a Necromancer? I want to go to college, now, I think public school is a waste, and when I get there I want to get a Doctorate in Mythology, Cryptozoology, and Parapsychology. A Masters in English, History, and Education wouldn’t hurt, would it?

As your judge, I will be strict and merciless. I will read for error and for every single detail. I have read plenty, and I will know if it is not original. Likewise, if you can make me laugh, you have an amazing chance at winning, because I do not laugh.

Flattery and Bribery will fall on deaf ears, and dead hands. I accept nothing of it.

I wish you the best of luck with the challenge, Ladies and Gentleman. Because I will be a harsh-mistress.

Your Judge,
Summer Dawn O’Ciardha

Ps. The Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli, I can fix your problem.

Challenge #6

2007-05-27T20:59:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the next challenge, Gladiators. I know some of the past challenges have been a little crazy, but this one will be a just a little more conventional.

Galacta, Queen of the Galaxy is visiting Planet Hacknor. It is your job to entertain her.

Work with your teammates to put on a variety show for the Queen. Use whatever talents you have: sing, tap dance, juggle, tell jokes, do a soliloquy, the sky's the limit.

We have a celebrity guest judge for this challenge as well. Summer O'Ciardha has graciously accepted the task of judging this round.

There you go, kids. Time for the show to go on.

Challenge #5, Judgement

2007-05-27T20:10:00.000-05:00

OK Gladiators, everyone did an adequate job of handling the monkeyboy problem on Fire Island M.

I'm talkin' fair to midland here.

Someone's going to have to continue his monkeyshines back home though.

Whose post drove everyone bananas?

It's time for one of you to split -- banana split, that is.

Gyrobo, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

Stay tuned for the next challenge.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Resevoir Heroes.

See resevoir Heroes today!

Judgement #5

2007-05-26T20:57:00.000-05:00

As with usual, I will be going over what you have done, but first, I want you to know, this was so far the round with the most high scoring posts.

With that said, Shameless plug – Check out my blog, I’ve been posting.

Erifia Apoc

Now, back to the business at hand.

Dark Jedi Kriss – Amazing. Simply amazing. I laughed, very, very hard.

Godfrey Zebulon – Godfrey, I noticed a striking similarity to the post that was posted right before yours.

Henchman – Great post, this was keeping up with the severe improvement that happened last challenge. Keep it up!

The Ghost of Congressman Petrelli – Very good post, and with the same quality, originality and humor I expect from you… Being dead doesn’t affect you too much, does it?

Synth-Lin – Not your best work. Go back to what you were doing. It was your worst performance of the entire competition… And why would you sing “American Girl” That is a country song, not a pop song… That’s not what American Idol is abo- Sorry Simon, you do such a terrible job of judging…

Gyrobo – Classic, amazing, the best post yet. Keep it up.

Professor X – Finally! I was waiting for it! I knew it was in there, somewhere… Continue along this path, and it will get you far!

“Noah” *giggle* Bennet – Not your best post of the competition, but still very good sir. Countinue the good work.

Now… For the winner…

It’s a little – Weird for me…

Because Hudson stole my judging last week….

But… The winner…

The one winner…

Here’s a little teaser from the post on my blog.

Erifia Apoc

You know… There?

Go there…

Erifia Apoc

Here’s the teaser.

I stared helplessly at the men and the coffin. I fell to my knees. I looked at the men, who stared at me. They hung their heads low, and I felt tears fill my eyes.

Ahh…

Much better.

Now… The winner…

Dark Jedi Kriss. Congrats, you’ve taken a second immunity.

This judging has been brought to you by…

Erifia Apoc

Where you can be sure to meet at least four different Erifia’s.

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go plug some other places…

Hugs and Kisses,
Erifia Apoc

Mission Five

2007-05-26T02:29:00.000-05:00

Noah Bennet faces off against a legion of Monkeyboys....

"Okay....one question. What's a monkeyboy?" I asked. Now, I've read Next by Michael Crichton. Being that my previous job had lots to do with evolution and genetics, it was required reading, as are all his books. And in it, there is a monkey with human DNA. The result is basically a normal boy, but with more hair and poo-slinging capabilities.

Jon answered my question, "Basically they're like normal boys, but with more hair and poo-slinging capabilities."

Crap! It was just as I had feared!

There was a machine that had to be stopped. I could spend all day shooting monkeyboys, and while that would bring immense joy, it wouldn't win the challenge. Plus, I'm supposed to be a good guy now (I'm trying hard, I really am!), so murder shouldn't always be the answer.

"Save the Cheerleader!" I yelled at my team. Unforunately, they did not shout back "Save the World!" as we had rehearsed. Rather, they broke out in a sad attempt to stop the monkeyboy replication invasion.

My first plan of action was to call up Hana Gitelman, but it turned out she killed herself trying to take out the tracking system. Not exactly how I would have done things, but oh, well. She got the job done.

But that left me goonless! Ted was recently deskullified and Matt is in the hospital. The worst time to be middle management, when all the laborers are out sick (or dead).

Luckily, I had one last ream of paper left. I had been saving it for a special occasion, as I knew my supply, while comically supple, was limited. This last ream would have to get me through the rest of this competition.

I took out a sheet of paper, and decided to negotiate with the monkeyboy leader. It seemed I could coerce him into pushing the button on the machine.

I wrote on the paper, "Mr. Monkeyboy leader, please stop this mindless marauder of mutated monkeyboys."

Quickly, and dexterously, I folded it into an airplane and sent it to the monkeyboy leader. After a few moments, it returned.

"Me not monkeyboy. Me Monkeyman!"

By golly! I was dealing with a creature not unlike Ted. Negotiating this deal should be so easy, even a Geico customer could do it!

"My appologies. Mr. Monkeyman, what would it take to get you to turn the machine off today?"

I looked over at Gyrobo scribbling on my paper about nose tip-detaching robots. "Hey, get away from there you....thing. That's the last ream of paper I have!"

"Miraculous cheese biscuits!" he replied and buzzed off.

Finally, the paper airplane returned with Monkeyman's reply. "Me have three demands. Me want the following listed items: Bananas, More Bananas and a toilet so that us no longer have to resort to poo-flinging, as it makes us seem rather unsophisticated."

Hmm....bananas were easy. I mean, this is an island. Those things growing on those trees must be space bananas. But more bananas would be a little harder, though still doable....like Cher.

But where would I get a toilet? The ones that I know of are all securely fastened to the floor.

And then I saw it. A chair, floating all by its lonesome. Nothing to fasten it securely to a floor. I quickly tossed out the old guy and cut a hole in the seat.

"There!" I said proudly.

Monkeyman was impressed. He enjoyed his toilet very much. Because of the hovering, he was able to fly over wherever he'd like to deposit his poo. No more studying trajectories or getting out his protractor. No, he could easily get his poo where he needed it to be. And to show his gratitude, he pushed the button on the replication machine and stopped the annoying monkeyboys from being such a nuisance.

"Great job, guys," Jon said afterwards. "Now to announce the....hey, where's Charles?"

Xavier monkies around (get it?)

2007-05-25T20:09:00.000-05:00

I barely had time to let the body lotion seep into my chaffed skin (that armor last week was a little rough on my pores) when the announcement came through for our next challenge.

Wipe out a bunch of harmless Monkeyboys. No problem there. Those things are annoying. I mean really, really annoying. Most of the other contestants were in total agreement. Henchman was practically giddy as he oiled up his weapons.

"Save the cheerleader!" someone shouted. We all turned around. It was Noah.

"There is no cheerleader here, Mr. Bennet," I pointed out.

"No, no. That's the new slogan for our team," he explained.

"Very stirring," I lied.

As the others made for their respective strike zones, I considered my options. The actual task was to press a button in the midst of an ever growing hoard of Monkeyboys before they took over the world. The only problem is that my powers are psionic and due to their lack of higher brain function, those little freaks are mostly immune. Clearly I would need to get creative.

I slipped into my combat more hoverchair and hitched a ride on a shuttle to the Gladiator's retirement home. Fortunately I had arrived at 11:15, just as the morning mimosa drinking contest was getting under way. My old friend Bone Crusher was just downing his first glass.

"Excuse me," I said in a loud voice, announcing my presence. All the old geezers grumbled as they turned to look at me. "Are there any warriors here?"

They looked around at one another, their blood shot eyes straining in confusion for a few minutes. And then, all at once, eight wrinkly, flabby old arms that had once been strong and proud shot up into the air.

"And is there anyone here who hates Monkeyboys?" I asked.

Their arms shot up again, this time in a creaky instant, accompanied with shouts of, "You bet we do, sonny!"

"And who here would like to spend this fine morning on the field of honor, laying waste to every Monkeyboy in sight?"

"RAH! RAH! RAH!" they all shouted at the top of their decaying, half-collapsed lungs.

I lead my team of warriors back to my assigned Monkeyboy infested zone. The little buggers were everywhere, chattering away inanely about the weather and presidental politics. Distributing the cache of M41A Pulse Rifles I had Hudson bring over to us (and then wiping his memory, of course), I set the retired gladiators to the task.

With mucho gusto they charged into the swarm of Monekyboys. Fur and bananas were flying in all directions. Through the ensuing confusion, I managed to steer my hoverchair to the heart of the great cloning doohickey (a scientific term Hank McCoy taught me) that was popping out Monkeyboys left and right.

"Hey bubba! What you playin' at?" a newly formed one asked me.

"Oh, nothing you'd be interested in," I answered casually, gliding up to the control panel. I flipped open the plastic cover and started to reach for the button.

"Hey now, I don't think you want to be pressin' that, no sir, no how," the oversize rodent protested.

I nodded politely and pressed the button. A loud hum I hadn't been aware of died down and the machine sputtered to a halt, a lone fez falling out of the exit chamber.

Mission accomplished.

Sweet Puma of Yuma!

2007-05-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

“Ever notice how transporter malfunctions always make more mayhem instead of less?”

The Monkeyboy elder didn’t return my goofy smile. Clearly diplomatic relations were breaking down.

“So, what exactly makes you an ‘elder?’ I thought all the Monkeyboys here were basically copies...”

Barry Goldwater tapped my arm, a subtle hint that the conversation was already over for today. Almost on cue, the obstinate elder and his cadre of duplicate guards bounced briskly out the room. I distinctly heard a scoff as the doors shut; nervously I slipped my negotiating pen back into my pocket protector. Sweet Grouse of Laos!

“What went wrong, Goldy?”

The senator wiped his glasses, sprayed them with Windex, then wiped them again. “You called him a Monkeyboy.”

“So?”

“Elders prefer to be called ‘Monkeymen.’”

“Now how was I supposed to know that?! They don’t exactly make their internal customs public knowledge!” I spat indignantly. Wringing hands, still-stinging hands, I shuffled past the bust of Pallas perched above my chamber door and spread the curtains. “Nevermore. I say we go back to bombarding the surface world with atomics!”

“Sputniks of Phoenix! Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. You’ll have the Monkeyboys eating out of your hands like a hungry cat in a fishery in no time.”

“Your enthusiasm is like candy to me,” I whispered, peering over the windowsill. At this altitude the topography of Hacknor looked just like a bumpy globe, but with no clearly marked lines of latitude or longitude. “Bitter, hard candy. Is the elder comfy in his quarters?”

It was a stroke of brilliance on Goldwater’s part to have the negotiations take place aboard his personal dirigible; it’s pretty hard to walk out on peace talks at 20,000 leagues in the air (although my engineering corps still hasn’t released a conclusive report on the limits of Monkeyboy pogo-stick technology). The best part was watching the Zeppelin crash and burn after the talks had completed, a tradition started by German President Paul von Hindenburg.

“I’ve spoken to the royal guards and they threw some banana pudding on me, which is their way of saying they’re happy.”

My nose twitched. “Tell me the truth. When do you think we’ll be able to get our hands on that teleporter?”

“Tough to say,” Goldwater said. “It’s like putting a hungry cat in a maze with cheese at the end.”

“Are we the cat, or are they?”

But Goldwater just looked on. The sky is so tranquil this time of night...

***

“Then we have a deal.”

Darl’s lips curled. He was, by far, the most-recommended freelance mercenary in these here parts. The sheer number of testimonials on his website is itself a testimonial to his overall greatness; I at first thought him overqualified.

“I still think you might be dangerously underqualified,” I lied, hoping to trick him into working for free. “What proof do you have that you and your band of renegade Novans can reach that teleporter machine? How do I know I’m not just wastin’ my precious time on you and yours?”

“While you were asking that I surgically removed your heart,” he perambulated, holding my still-beating heart up to the heavens.
Glossy Gnu of Timbuktu!

“Glossy- I mean, Sweet Vole of Sol! If you can perambulate like that again, we might just win this challenge!” I laughed before collapsing from blood loss.

***

“...And by the second article of paragraph five, the aforementioned party agrees to cede control of the state legislatures to parliament.”

I buried my face in my muscular arms. The gentle hum of the rear propeller almost made me drift off to sleep, but the disgusting smell of burnt rubber and the constant, incessant hollering by the Monkeyboys kept me as alert as a hungry cat in a dog kennel.

“I’m glad we were able to spend so much time together,” the Monkeyboy elder wept. “Few people have been able to understand Monkeyboy culture as well as you have-”

“Aw, shucks. I’d say it t’weren’t nothin’, but that phrase is probably copyrighted,” I smiled.

“-Barry Goldwater.”

“Sir, it’s been an honor to see the seeds of fiscal conservatism take root in the soil of an alien world, among a race of comical man-apes,” Goldwater said as he shook the elder’s hand.

“Yes... he’s made some serious inroads... now, can we get our hands on that teleporter?”

Goldwater ran his hands through his wispy hair, then shook his head back and forth like a rock star. “We never agreed to that.”

“Dryad of Hyderabad! What game are you playing at, Barlow?!” I bellowed. “Pinochle? Yahtzee?!”

“Calm down...”

“Nuts to that! You sank my battleship!”

“The Monkey Elders and I reached a... compromise.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “What kind of compromise?”

“The Monkeyboys will begin accepting aid from the United States government and begin transitioning to a capitalist economy.”

“How does codling those primitive sub-apes help us get our hands on-”

“The treaty is off,” the Monkeyboy elder (who hadn’t left the room) said, grinding his teeth. “And we’re leaving. Ready the pogo-sticks!”

“Th- my engineering corps will hear of this!” I called half-heartedly as the Monkeyboys stormed out, closing the door unreasonably lightly for someone so offended.

“Sweet Goat Calf of Flagstaff! You’ve just handed Hacknor over to the Soviets!” Goldwater said passionately, shaking his bare knuckles for added effect.

“Bah! You’re still running on a pre-Reagan mindset.” I shoved the old man. “What Soviets?”

“Micro-Soviets! They remade the entire Soviet Union to scale after it fell! They’re almost microscopic by now. And you’ve just given them a vibrant young economy of Monkeyboy go-getters!”

“Yes... or have I?” Looking out over the bough of the dirigible we saw a pack of Monkeyboys gliding gently to the ground on some top-secret pogo-sticks. As we watched, blue light shot up from the surface and splashed over them; seconds later there were a few pogo-sticks falling to the ground, but nobody was riding them. Phantom Pogo-sticks!

“Vulture of Horror! What did you do to those Monkeyboys?”

“I hired Darl the Bloody and his band of Novans to break into the Monkeyboy capital and reset the teleporter,” I admitted. “All the Monkeyboys are now dissipated, thanks to me!”

“Sweet Toucan of Tucson! You just sold your soul for a quick fix. I like that. Come by my office.” He handed me a business card with his 1964 campaign headquarters’ address on it.

“I’ll have to sleep on it,” I lied, tossing the card into the nearest garbage bin. It was on the other side of the room, and I’m sure he must have seen me throw it in because he winced when I spit my gum onto the card prior to disposal.

My story. Sans pictures

2007-05-25T09:43:00.000-05:00

Monkeyboys are disgusting, rude and they throw their own poo.
I know this because I have been pelted by it.
I now know why Henchy hates them.
This is the story of how I came to share that hate.

When I got to Island M (which I'm sure Magneto has a trademark suit coming against it.) I find the monkeyboys. They call me Hoochie Momma and scream out Hellooo Nurse!
They offer me a banana cream pie and I thank them kindly. Then the pie explode's in my face. They all laugh and think its a great joke. I accept it as part of the monkeyboy culture and laugh along. I continue on my way past them and one of them sprays a seltzer bottle in my face. Annoying, but it did wash away the remnants of the banana cream pie. I thanked the monkeyboy and continued on my way.
"Lady! lady! lady!" called another behind me. He was holding a present wrapped up with a big pink bow. He looked at me his eyes all wide, smiling and innocent.
"Is that for me?" I asked.
He nodded and I took it from him. Of course I did expect it to blow up when I went to open it. What I didn't expect was that the present contained, plastique explosives.
Booom!
The blast sent me hurtling through the air. I ended up being stopped by a well placed brick wall. I knew they'd put it there cause the cement was still wet. I struggled out of the bricks to the applause of the monkeyboy horde.
"Bravo! Encore!" They shouted.
"Is this funny to you?" I shouted loosing my temper.
"Yes." they answered in unison.
I had a job to do and I realised that Jons fear of a planet full of monkeyboys was right. Hell an island of them was getting on my nerves.
I decided to get to the Transporter as quickly as I could. I ran to where I knew the faulty device was. Of course the monkeyboys responded to my flight. I thought I'd gotten ahead of the horde but I was wrong. From out of the trees came the onslaught. They began throwing banana peels, pies, anvils, and dumbbells. Somewhere along the line a neo-classical statue landed in front of me.
"What next a grand piano?" I asked.
I saw my goal in front me. Its was still spewing out monkeyboys.
I got the control panel I pressed the button. The transporter stopped.
It was all over. I allowed myself a moment of victory.
'Splat'
I was hit by the monkeyboys most lethal weapon. Poo.

So thats what happened.

Love you all. (except monkeyboys)

Lin

I Flung Stuff. They Flung Stuff

2007-05-25T07:34:00.000-05:00

My Fellow Gladiators:

Greetings from the Ghost of Congressman Nathan Petrelli. I trust everyone is doing well. I’m slightly dead myself, and I will be dividing my time in between the games and purgatory. I am sure that death will not hinder my ability to complete the latest challenge. Of course, I don’t fully understand what a monkeyboy is, but I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal. I tried to go to Jon’s blog for more into; but my hand kept passing through the mouse. In fact, if it weren’t for my new friend Hana Gitelman, I wouldn’t have been able to post this blog.

Anyway, let's move on to the problem at hand. Since Jon didn’t take my advice to nuke them from orbit, I decided I would take a more direct approach. Since I couldn’t make my ghostly form pilot the dropship I had to hitch a ride with these lame guys.

They should be wearing a sign that says, “Oh Yeah…I’m never getting laid.”

When we arrived on the island, my traveling companions took one look at the situation and promptly abandoned me. Fortunately, my leadership skills didn’t die in the same explosion I did, and I was able to quickly find the Monkeyboy Embassy. Before heading to the transporter room, I decided to stop in and speak with the Ambassador to the Monkeys. As a Congressman, I feel it is only prudent to make contacts when possible.

When I first entered the Ambassador’s office, I thought I saw an actual monkey; but it turned out to be a trick of my eyes because my double take revealed the ambassador standing behind his desk. I could tell he was a real renaissance man from his devotion to the opera. He even gave me a small performance.

Click here for Opera Man

After talking with him for just a few minutes, I realized we were on the same wavelength. We agreed to keep in touch. As he walked me to the door, he pressed a banana into my hand. What a friendly man!! Five minutes later, I grew to appreciate his present even more. (This is what we political writers like to call foreshadowing.) Anyway, I stuck the banana in my pocket and moved on to the transporter room. Outside the door, I noticed two monkeyboys playing. As I approached, one of them stopped and said, “Who you there? You look like my brudder.”

I tried to explain that I have only one brother, but they cut me off by saying, “You have purddy lips.” Well the only thing I could say to that was: WTF? When they started to edge toward me, I did the only thing a savvy Congressman from New York could do. I pulled my banana out of my pants. Of course, it took about five tries before my ghostly hands could grasp it; but it all worked out in the end. The monkeyboys’ had their eyes glued to my banana, so I flung it at the one closest to me. The banana shot out of my hand wacked monkeyboy one on the head and boomeranged back to me. I caught it with no problem, (I’m really athletic.) and I flung it again at monkeyboy two. Just as the banana left my hand; he said, “You even fling bananas like my brudder.” It was the last thing he said before losing consciousness.

After stepping over the bodies, I entered into the transporter area. There were a few barrels blocking the transporter machine, but I thought I saw Dark Jedi making out with one of the monkeyboys?? When I began to step around the barrels for a closer look, I ran directly into another monkeyboy. I don’t know who was more scared him or me… He mumbled something about being home alone. I just screamed.

He was so frightened by my screams he threw some sort of crap at me and then fainted. With him out of my way, I went to finish my mission. Fortunately, Dark Jedi K. and already taken care of it. That certainly explains why she was making out with a monkeyboy. Talk about taking one for the team, but you just gotta' love a girl with initiative.

MonkeyTown.

2007-05-24T14:37:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Again Jon starts with it.

Jon: We have another emergency situation, contestants. I know it’s unbelievable, but it’s true. There was a transporter malfunction at the Monkeyboy Embassy on Fire Island M (the M stands for Monkeyboy)!Monkeyboys are being replicated all across the island! More and more are coming through by the second and the whole island will soon be choked by an insane amount of these bizarre anthropomorphic unfunny creatures.

I swear he came up with this show just so we can do his dirty work. The idea to nuke the place was nixed.

Jon: We need you contestants to go in there and press the recall button on the transporter to send them all back.

See more dirty work, While he meets with a Queen and celebrates his 2nd Blogoversary.

Jon: The monkeyboys apparently are being synthesized by the transporter, so they’re not being teleported in from anywhere and whether or not they are actually “alive” is something for the philosophers to debate. What’s most important is that they’re sent back through the machine into the nothingness from which they came before they become a terrible burden on this galaxy.

Henchman (cocking an automatic rifle): Oh yeah, time for me to shine. I think to myself. Payback, this it's for real.

Godfrey Zebulon: You’re not going to shoot them all are you?

Henchman: Only the ones who get in my way. Or the ones trying to get out of my way.I think to myself.* Heck yeah.*

Jon: Another thing that I must warn you about the monkeyboys is their incredible unpredictability. They have some sort of morphic ability, a horrifically juvenile mindset and a terrifying penchant for wacky physical humor. Gladiators, proceed with caution. You have the marine dropships and hovercycles at your disposal; use any powers or abilities that you have if you can.

I grab some gear and get ready.

I am going to kill them all from Chimpan "A" to Chimpanzee. This time they aren't going to make a monkey out of me. I have a mole working for me. It should make this a little easier, but Monkeyboys aren't easy. They never are.

The Dropship flys by Monkeyboy Island, for some reason it's sunny. Monkeyboy Island is never sunny.

This mean the imates are running the Asylum. Not good. The whole island is now full of prat falls and fart jokes. The ground is littered with banana peels, bad sitcom scripts for According to Jim and Two and a Half Men.

I have to be careful now. No run and gun. I don't want to call atention to myself. So, that means no Dark Beast, yet. I pick off a few Monkeyboys from far away.

This one gets the drop on me.

"Hey, its a Banana Man." It shouts.

I think to myself * Maybe, it wasn't a good idea to wear all yellow.*

They charge, I empty clip after clip, nothing seems to stop them. It's like there is an unending supply. I summon as many Dark Beast as I can. They disappear under a sea of monkeyboys asking to pull their fingers.

I punch and kick my way through them. My super strength and speed are not enough. They swarm. I yell "Overdrive", with this setting I can hold my own with Thor. I smash and throw the monkeys as far as the eye can see. I keep fighting as I hear "But, we find you a peeling..."
I blackout.

I wake to see these three guarding me. They take to the Mastermind behind all of this.

Grodd. Gorillia Grodd to be exact.

"Well.Well, Well, if it isn't Local Henchman 432. How are you doing? Not that I care. After all, you blacklisted me. As some one, who can never hire from the Henchman Union. This bothers me, because good labor is so hard to find. Until now." Grodd yaps on.

"Lets get a good look at you." He clutchs my face.

"Get your paws off of me, you damn dirty ape." I yell out.

He backhands me across the chamber.

"You never get the Monkeyboys to think straight, let alone work for you." I inform him.

"Oh, but with this helmet, I will. It grants me the power to filter through the monkey business. Ha ha, get it." He chuckles.

"No, but you will." I retort.

My mole hits Grodd in the back of the head, with a chair. While saying "Have a seat."

I thank Dr. Zaius.

"Oh, No. I want to hear it." He speak softly.

I respond. "Well, Dr. Zaius. You finally made a monkey out of me." Ugh.

I get to the recall button on the transporter and bam. The job is over. I head back to camp. I still am going to Nuke this place as soon as the show is over.

Dental for All.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Demented monkeyboys..

2007-05-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

I've seen some strange stuff in my time.. I really have..

This takes the cake.

The whole building was flooded with these monkeyboys. .creepy little things.. looked like something between

And

Well anyways.. Some were wearing helmets that looked like Vader's.. okay.. that in itself was freaky. there were others that had little princess tiaras on, and more still that acted like this strange baby.. I think his name was Stewie...

They all came flying at me at once.. The ones with the tiaras flung them at me.. God those things hurt like heck! When they were flung they transformed into glowing discs..

" PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!" It was the littlest monkeyboy with a pink tiara on it's head.
I ducked and ended up with an armload clinging to me" dada!" they all chimed looking up at me with utterly adoring eyes.

Under any other circumstances this would be cute ,but now it was just creepy. The one decked out in yellow had a gold stone around it's neck.. It looked like a saber crystal so I figured, what did I have to loose?

I grabbed the crystal and jammed it into the saber hilt.. When I hit the ignition switch.. Boy was I in for one doozy of a surprise.. The yellow crystal was a banana shaped saber.. My head hit my palm.. God .. I was so lucky Pho wasn't here. She'd never let me live this down.. DJK wouldn't either when she found out.. Then simultaneously all the monkeyboys hit the floor.. " All hawil da kwing..!"

I blinked.. why did I feel like that one guy in the movie.. oh what did they call it? Oh yeah.. Lord of the Rings.. Pho has an utter fascination with that series.. I myself happen to rather like Aragorn.. Legolas is cool too , but Aragorn just had a more.. eh.. real look about him..

So going with the flow I raise my yellow saber and point toward the machine " Forward to Pelenor!" just then the machine cranked.. DJK had gotten the machine to suck the pathetic little things up, thank the force. The room was crawling with the demented little things.. Finally the room started to clear until there was only one in the room left.. I could hear the others fighting with theirs.. I just wanted to get out of this without having to get yet ANOTHER robe

There was one last one that clung to my leg" don't gwo! I lub you!" Pathetically cute, but she had to go.. The yellow saber faded and in it's place was a rose, a red rose.. I threw it hard.

The last monkeyboy that was in my demented group let me go . I stood up and dusted myself off with one nightmare of a headache.

Like I said

One of the MOST weird experiences of my life.

Now if you'll excuse me I think I need to sort all this crossbreeding with the monkeyboys out

Until Later
Godfrey

Monkeyboy Popper

2007-05-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

Challenge #5

2007-05-21T13:33:00.001-05:00

Jon: We have another emergency situation, contestants. I know it’s unbelievable, but it’s true. There was a transporter malfunction at the Monkeyboy Embassy on Fire Island M (the M stands for Monkeyboy)!

Synth-Lyn: who would give monkeyboys a transporter?

Jon: I have no idea, but what is important is that monkeyboys are being replicated all across the island! More and more are coming through by the second and the whole island will soon be choked by an insane amount of these bizarre anthropomorphic unfunny creatures.

Mr. Bennet: So that’s not a big deal, right? They’ll just fill up that one island.

Henchman (smacking fist): I hope they all drown like stupid lemmings.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Yes, but they don’t deserve to die. They’re kind of cute.

Henchman: What? You think monkeyboys are cute?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Ew no way, I was talking about the lemmings.

Gyrobo: I once had a monkeyboy. No wait, it was a toaster. It caught fire after I tried to toast rice cakes in it. Barry Goldwater was pissed.

Nathan Petrelli: We may have to just cut our losses and nuke the whole site from orbit.

Professor Xavier: While normally I don’t approve the notion of excess violence, I would have to concur that nuking a horde of monkeyboys would indeed be for the greater good.

Mr. Bennet: I’ll pull the trigger. One time at the paper mill, I had to shoot my boss right in the hea—er, once I shot him a memo. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Jon: No, no, even though nuking them from orbit does sound like a great idea, there’s no guarantee that the explosion would shut down the teleporter. If this calamity continues, the monkeyboys would soon overrun the planet. They’ll eat all the banana and banana-flavored foods, throw mud at everyone, and just generally stink up the whole place until it’s completely uninhabitable. We need you contestants to go in there and press the recall button on the transporter to send them all back.

The monkeyboys apparently are being synthesized by the transporter, so they’re not being teleported in from anywhere and whether or not they are actually “alive” is something for the philosophers to debate. What’s most important is that they’re sent back through the machine into the nothingness from which they came before they become a terrible burden on this galaxy.

Henchman (cocking an automatic rifle): Oh yeah, time for me to shine.

Godfrey Zebulon: You’re not going to shoot them all are you?

Henchman: Only the ones who get in my way. Or the ones trying to get out of my way.

Dark Jedi Kriss: Maybe we could just take control of their minds and get them back in the machine.

Jon: Ah, that probably won’t work too well. Monkeyboys seem to be incredibly resistant to mind control, as the Professor could attest.

Professor X: It’s like trying to scoop a handful of water out of an empty bucket.

Jon: Another thing that I must warn you about the monkeyboys is their incredible unpredictability. They have some sort of morphic ability, a horrifically juvenile mindset and a terrifying penchant for wacky physical humor. Gladiators, proceed with caution. You have the marine dropships and hovercycles at your disposal; use any powers or abilities that you have if you can.

Gyrobo: Non sequitur!

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part American Aviation.

Learn to fly with American Aviation. Classes are available right now.

Challenge #4, Judgement

2007-05-21T08:00:00.000-05:00

OK Gladiators, your votes have been counted.

One of you will not be going on to the next round.

Who will it be?

Who will be going home in dishonor?

Who, despite being the bastard loveclone of one of the galaxy's mightiest heroes and Earth's greatest scientific mind just could quite negotiate the obstacle course?

Did that give it away?

Superboy, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, goodbye.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Elephant Spider-Man 3.

Elephant Spider-Man 3 is in theaters now, see it today!

Hudson's Judgement

2007-05-20T18:51:00.000-05:00

Alright boys and girls, I am going to pass judgment on you because some slack jawed non-Colonial Marine personnel got herself stuck in the Stargate. (Sorry Arfia, don’t be mad at me ‘cuz I told everyone).

Now I am tough but fair. In my eyes, you are all equal. Some more equal than others.

Here is my judgement:

Local Henchman: Congratulations, you came in first. Unfortunately, you came in first on the wrong course so you don’t win. Ha ha. Jughead called, he wants his hat back. What? The hat, get it? Aw nevermind.

Godfrey: Good job, Jedi have super strength, right? Can you open this jar of peanut butter for me?

Dark Jedi Kriss: Good job, I especially liked the shower part. So uh, what are you doing this Saturday?

Kon-El: Your performance on this challenge hinges on this one very, very important question: Can you give Power girl this note with my phone number?

Petrelli: You get negative points for having that long haired hippy freak on your post. I can’t stand them hippies, they’re always like “Oh man,” and “like wow, man.”

Synth-Lin: You’re too hot for words. ‘Nuff said.

Xavier: You also get negative points. I don’t recall telling anyone to use armor on the course. You sir, are not Colonial Marine material. I pity you and all your illegitimate children.

Gyrobo: There’s something awesome about how you work. Can we hook you up to the Sulaco and power the warp drives?

Bennet: Clearly this was your moment to shine, you negotiated this course like a seasoned pro. If you wanted to be a Colonial Marine, you could go far. Man, you could be a corporal maybe a corporal first class.

So, that’s how that rolls. I’d like to make you all winners, but that’s not how it works around here, especially since most of you stunk up the joint like PFC Vasquez’s armpits after PT.

Dark Jedi Kriss, you are the winner of this round. Oh, did I mention that I am free on Saturday night? Mebbe you and I could go out to dinner or something? It's franks and beans night at the chowhall.

OK, Team-O Supremo email Jon with your vote.

Mission Four

2007-05-18T21:49:00.000-05:00

Mr. Bennet quickly and heroically makes his way through the obstacle course....

Ah, an obstacle course! All Primatech Paper Salesman are put through a similar course (Of course, Primatech's has a Pit of Rabid Tibetan Felines and poo-flinging Radical Wheat Monkeys). I had an advantage in this challenge. As the only paper salesman, I'm likely the only one here that has actually completed an obstacle course.

I felt sorry for the wheelchair guy, though. But only for a moment. After that, I was thrilled he was on the opposing team.

On the starting line, I yelled over at Baldy, "Break a leg!" I admit, my seemingly sportsman-like wishing of good luck was actually a cleverly disguised insult. The key in competition is to weakn your enemy. Demoralizing the crippled would only make him drag further behind!

The obstacle course was underway. Wheelchair Guy took off with more-than-handicapable speed. "Whaaaa??"

I made my way through the obstacle course. The first obstacle....trenches! Easy! I mean, all they are really are glorified ditches.

The flamethrowers, however, proved difficult. Fifteen years in the paper business has given me an uneasy feeling toward fire, paper's natural enemy. But I ducked, dodged and even weaved my way through the fiery death machines. Not since my bachelor's party had I encountered such hot madness. (Seriously, the stripper had flamethrowers for legs. Looking back, maybe Quentin Tarantino wasn't the best planner for the event.)

What now? Malaysian Tiger Traps! Ha! I laugh at the pain-invoking contraptions. Last time I checked, I wasn't a Malaysian Tiger. I ran across the traps with ease.

Until I triggered one.

After a few minutes of crying, I managed to escape the traps. But I had lost a lot of time, I had to ketchup! So, I took off running. I ran and ran and jogged at a quick pace, then I realized I was in quicksand! I wasn't going anywhere, just running in place. Gah!

I pulled out a few reams of paper and built a path over the quicksand. Finally, I was near the finish. Only one thing remained. Scandinavian Yak Traps!

Now, last time I checked I wasn't a Scandinavian Yak. So, I too-wait a minute! I caught myself just in time. Thinking back to the so-called Malaysian Tiger Traps, I realized that Jon had purposely deceived us with fancy trap names. They're not Scandinavian Yak or Malaysian Tiger traps, they're Anything That Touches Them Traps! And I was certainly a potential anything.

So, I cleverly went around the trap field and crossed the finish line unscathed! Well, maybe a little scathed. Let's go with minutely scathed. That works....

So, I cleverly went around the trap field and crossed the finish line minutely scathed! Yay!

Non Sequitur!

2007-05-18T19:57:00.000-05:00

As I stood stalwartly beside the entrance to the Colonial Marine’s spring-themed obstacle course, all I could think about was... Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.

“Why?” I asked one of the entrance guards, “Why isn’t he here for me now?”

But all I got was an indifferent shrug and a gesture that could be interpreted as either “go on” or “I want to hit your face with the back of my hand.”

The doors creaked shut as I passed the Romanesque pillars. Everything within the simulation — at least I’m assuming the obstacle course was a simulation — was so vibrant and supersaturated that I had the strongest urge to just find a degaussing button and hit it.

Sweet Squid of Madrid! Under a field of flagellating cornstalks I could see numerous reptiles with orange scales, dark red eyes, and protruding horns scurrying around in a futile attempt to climb the surreal stalks. Above me the sky was a low cyan fading to black, but the stars were arranged in such perfect geometric patterns that Plato himself would have broken down and wept in their presence. Beside me a spectral being stamped his foot impatiently. After thirty seconds of unresponsiveness on my part, he cleared his throat repeatedly while tapping the back of my neck with a sharpened spork.

“Is there something I can help you with, sir?” I asked uncharacteristically politely as spork fragments worked themselves out of my neck flap. The old ghost was, after all, more familiar with the course than I was. Better to get on his good side than risk falling behind with my pride intact.

Instead of responding in kind, he shoved a pamphlet into my arms. I cradled it tenderly, looking up as if to say “why? Why have you given me the greatest gift of all, the gift of literature?”

“I been bwiefed already on ya, ya fawl!” He spat. It was as if every tooth had been removed from his head, it was! I bent down, trying to get a good look at the inside of the old man’s mouth, but he pushed me away. Just like the Romney campaign...

“Is... is there anything I can do to make your death a little more bearable?” Brown-nosing is only one of my skills, but it’s one that I find I need to use more and more these days, what with the wireless Internet and all.

“Naw, ya...”

“I can get you into heaven. I know people.”

He seemed to consider it, but flickered out of existence a second later. There was a loud click-popping noise, and from the depths of the sky came the voice of Hudson: “Obstruction courses aren’t about bribes! They’re all about the obstruction! Don’t ever forget that, or it’s game over!”

I felt shame. Shame that I’d been caught, shame that the easy way out was gone, shame that I’d crashed a funeral last month dressed as a clown. Patch Adams is a misleading movie...

“Okay.” I took a few deep breaths. “I can do this. I’m an American, and I have diplomatic immunity here.”

Opening the pamphlet, I turned to page one. Copyright 2007. Dedicated to...

“Great Stork of New York! I’ll never make it through this alive!” I crumpled the pamphlet angrily and tossed it into a Scruff McGruff-brand waste disposal receptacle on the way back out.

***

A slick slide rule slid down the wall,
Slid slightly south, but didn’t fall.

“Can you see it yet? Does it come in clear?
Can you see broadcasts from yesteryear?”

Deep within the darkened cave
A band of rouge protectors raged,
For years on end to try and save
Unlicensed art of another age.

From radio waves to the televised,
Each stray thought was mass archived.

“The picture’s in! Let’s thank ourselves-
Sweet Space-Age Elves of B-6-12!”

Whipping ’cross the viewing port
Electric bolts from outer space
Made half the images contort,
And spliced new footage in their place.

Due to the nature of the time transcoder,
All the changes to the show
Cascaded backwards, out of order,
Breaking swiftly time’s sweet flow.

“Well, we had a good run!” the chief rogue laughed.
“We even broke history! That’s no easy task.
If we must go down, let’s go down without fright!
Obliteration to all, and to all a good night!”

***

“Sweet-a Moose-a of Tuscaloosa! Gyrobo, that was amazing!”

Using only my mind, I blasted another hole through the gigantic slide. Green slime squirted everywhere as the concrete base collapsed, and as it fell scores of children cheered me on.

“I owe it all to you, Mitt. I doubt I could’ve gotten past the flamethrowers without the meditation techniques you taught me last week.”

The former governor took a bow, unabashedly patting his large gut. “It’s the least I could do after you donated that large kidney balloon to my campaign. Now people will know how I stand on the kidney issue!”

“I’m done having this conversation with you, Mitt. The challenge is over, and I’d like to go back to the hotel and relax now.”

My sudden mood swing left him a little shaken. “But I- I didn’t prepare for the debate, just so I could help you-”

“And that’s why Giuliani and McCain are serious contenders and you’re just a third wheel. Go back to Kansas, hippie!”

My shoulder collided with his arm as I brushed past him. It’s not that I like making presidential candidates cry in public, but nothing cuts into my free time. Nothing. Sorry, Mitt.

Xavier does his thing

2007-05-18T19:36:00.000-05:00

I looked up at the 20 foot tall cement wall facing me just across the start line of the obstacle course. Then I looked down at my wheelchair. This might be tricky.

The wall had a stenciled sign on the front. "Abandon All Hope," it said. I knew I could take the wall out with my hover chair's mini-Sidewinder heat seeking missiles, but that would be the end of my bag of tricks.

A loud, piercing scream from far behind me caught my attention. I swiveled the chair around and saw in the distance a large load lifter lugging the exo-skeleton armors from last week's challenge to the repair yard. An ideas tarted to peculate in my little bald skull.

You see I have actually had some experience with these kinds of armors. I've taken over Tony Stark's mind once or twice while he was dressed up as Iron Man. Purely for educational purposes, I assure you. I reached out telepathically and made the service technician bring me the least damaged suit. Turns out it was Svetlana's. I could still smell the lingering scent of fresh Twinkies.

After hauling myself inside and adjusting the inner body suit to my shape, I looked over the controls. Svetlana's armor resembled a giant purple Armidillo. It's primary weapon seemed to be a giant flashlight. That should be extremely useful. I did find the secondary weapon controls, however.

Put the armor's head down, I charged forward, smashing the 20 foot cement wall into shards. With a thrill of victory, I spun around a few times and thrust my hips back and forth.

Running at top speed, I blew through the wimpy "Flame Throwers of Doom" and "Man eating Plants of Munchiness." Not a scratch on the armor. After I had jetted over the "Bubbling Lava Pits of Flambeing," 5 man-eating tigers jumped out of the bushes at me. I tried to suppress a laugh as they lunged on top of me and did their best to gnaw on the duro-plate of my exo-skeleton. A few minutes later, with rather puzzled looks, they gave up and skulked back into the bushes.

I ran through the course at top speed. By the time I hit the "Field of Blaster Caps" I was practically skipping. Unfortunately I skipped right onto a land mine.

My armored suit was blasted high into the air and crashed hard right onto another mine. By some truly unfortunate coincidence, I continued bouncing from mine to mine until I was thrown clear of the field.

I slowly lifted my dizzy head and tried to focus my eyes. Was that a pinkie in front of me? I hoped it wasn't mine. What was I saying? Of course not. Hauling myself to my feet, I ran a quick diagnostic and found the suit was still mostly functional. At least it worked well enough for me to limp through the "Flowerbed of Aromatic Pistols." I'm not sure what that one was about.

Regardless, I managed to cross the finish line. Then I had the service technician bring my chair around. As I climbed out of the armor, the strangest craving for a Twinkie came over me.

Chutes and Dragons.

2007-05-17T14:12:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

I was still a little sleepy after the last challenge. So I let Jon yammer on about the next one.

Jon: Welcome contestants, Wa wa ,Wa Wa.I give you Private Hudson.

Huh? I think to myself.

Hudson: Atyennnnn-Hyut! Listen up, it’s time to get frosty. I am your senior drill instructor Private Hudson and you will listen to me good. Your daddies are not here and your mommies are not here for you, for this challenge I will be your daddy and your mommy.

All I hear is he likes to play dress up as the Mommy and Daddy.

Hudson: Ah, OK, here’s the challenge. Through that gate is Blah blah blah obstacle course ever devised by the Colonial Marine Training and Doctrine Command, the CoMTrDoC. There are many paths to take, Meow meow meow meow, I want chicken, I want liver... dangerous than the last! (Well, not really, but that sounds cool when I say it, doesn’t it?). There are trenches, flame throwers, swinging blades, raging rivers, deadly quicksand, Malaysian tiger traps, Scandinavian yak traps, and a giant slide of green slime. Meow mix, please deliver. In fact, very few Colonial Marines who go through that come out in one piece!

Hey look, Cows. I think.

Hudson: Because it’s training! This is how you become a motivated, dedicated, high speed low drag, super frosty, gung ho deadly killer part of the greatest team that this galaxy has ever laid its eyes on.

Professor X: The X-Men?

Henchman: Advanced Idea Mechanics?

Gyrobo: The Traveling Wilburys?

Some other stuff was spewing out Hudson mouth, but by time time I was lost. I start a slow walk to the course.

"O' no you don't. You get back here maggot." Hudson yells.

What, the imbecile did not call me a maggot. I wake up out of my daydream and make a bee line for Hudson's throat. I am going to tear the nitwit a new cornhole.

Jon gives me a look.

Fine.

*Adds to list*

1. Monkeyboy Island
2. Hudson

I am going to busy after this game.

"You're not so cool now, huh? I got a different course for you." He spits out.

I ask why.

"Because, I am still paying off my credit card bill." He cries and then he shows me his "map".

I just give him a blank look. I am, so going to get that buffoon after this. I swear.

I start off at the Razor wire maze. I send a Dark beast through, It doesn't help. It gets stuck.

Ow, I can't move to fast or I'll get ripped to shreds. I pace slowly and carefully, I come out with a few nicks and cuts. My uniform is trashed. While leaning against a wall, I find a hidden room with a set of clothes. I need to pour on the speed to make up for lost time.

Hurtling past the Hungry, hungry doors of the South beach diet, was a breeze. I stop at the next obstalce. The room is pitch black, I summon another Dark beast. It takes a few steps, then crashes to the floor.

I wall run to safety on the other side. Man, Hudson really made this one a toughie. NOT.

I glide into the next stage. I pause for a moment and hear a huge roar. That is never good.

Never.

I catch a deep breath and give it a go. It can't be that bad. It's Hudson, he is a GLB, a tool.

Dragon. How the heck does Hudson get a Dragon?

"That's all I could get from my rewards program. You have fun maggot." Hudson infoms me through a speaker at the end of the hall.

He is so dead.

The Dragon lunges at me. I dodge to the left and see a locked door. That mean a way out. I slam at the door with full force.

Bam.

Ow. To my surprise, it doesn't budge.

"It's magick Human. Only the key on my horn will let you out." The Dragon speaks.

"Ok, before I die. Can I ask you to do something for me, Mr.Dragon.? I plead.

"Sure, why not frail thing." It reponds.

I hold out my right hand, fingers stretched out. "Pick two."

The Dragon picks my index and middle fingers.

I poke it in it's left eye, snatch the key and make a break for the door. I shut the door fast behind me.

I step forward in the dark and..

I end up in a pool of rubber balls.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Its a Green and Mean world

2007-05-17T08:52:00.000-05:00

I was expecting something like a wall and a rope swing. You know like on Stripes, with Bill Murray and me playing one of the cute soldier chicks. That Bill Murray is a rouge.
But what I got was so not that. I get to the first obstacle and its a pool of Jello. I go to step through it without getting any Jello on me when I'm shot at. I hit the squishy lime flavoured deck. My outfit is ruined and there's Jello in my hair and up my nose. I go to get up but the sadistic gunman fires again. So its back into the Jello. Then I hear the sadist.
"Crawl like the worm you are girl!" shouts the voice.
I'm sticky confused and covered in lime green lumps of Jello. So I crawl to the end of the pool.
You know Jon your paying the dry cleaning bill.
I get to the end and I get a look at the sadist.
"Sam Jackson!" I exclaim.
"Yes I'm Samuel L. Jackson. And girl your cute ass better start running or its gonna get a cap in it." He threatens.
Oh well at least I got to meet Sam Jackson.
Bewildered and slightly scared that Sam just might 'pop a cap in my cute caboose' (try saying that five times fast) I fell into the next obstacle.
It was a pit, a very big dark dank pit. With skulls of various animals and aliens.
"Grrrraaaoowlll!" roared something in the darkness. And then it stepped out of the darkness.
"Oh dear!" I exclaimed. "Its not possible that your allergic to lime jello are you?"
The beast lunged swiping me with its claws. It was quite obvious that it wasn't allergic to lime jello. I dodged the attack. However my outfit didn't fare as well as me.
"Hey! I spent hours putting this together." I shouted back. The beast didn't listen and went to slash me again. I blocked the attack. He leaned down to take a bite out of me and I punched him. He went down like Paris Hilton.
"Thats what happens when you ruin my outfit. Bitch!" I yelled at the unconscious beast.
I make my way quickly around the beast and I can see a door. I open it and walk in.
"Lin your just in time." says a guy in speedos."Your next obstacle is to perform the following Yoga positions."
He shows me the first one.
"Excuse me!" I interrupt. "I've just had to crawl through a pool of Jello while being shot at. Then I had to fight a beast from I don't know where. And now you want me to do yoga?" It was all a bit too hard to take in.
"Its all part of a Colonial Marines training Lin." smiled the instructor genuinely.
"Well ok." I relent. "If its part of the course then I guess I have to."
I get into the position and the guy gooses me. I fall over.
"Did you just pinch me on the bottom?" I ask in disbelief.
"I am sorry I couldn't resist. Forgive me." He says smiling that genuine smile again.
Thats it. I can stand any more of this. No more Miss nice Lin.
"I forgive you but can you forgive me." I say. I grab him and put him into a position more acceptable.
"No no no..." his screams are muffled by his own anus.
Of course the slide and the slime were to come and I loathed the fact that again I was going to have to writhe around in a pile of something green. I was thinking about what I could do to avoid this. In the end I realised I just had to do it.

I'm going to have a bath for a week. By then I should be calm and clean enough to deal with you all.

Love my bath.

Lin.

Attention: I did find my shorts.

2007-05-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

When Mr. Privates finished with his blah, blah, blah about Colonial Marine crap, Jon said, “Get through the obstacle course any way you can.” I’m glad he said that. As I looked to the sidelines for my personal fitness trainer, I adjusted and tested my earpiece.

“Testing? Testing? Hello?”

“What are you doin’ CHUMP?! I pity the fool who dragged me out of bed to train for a game he didn’t even try to win!!”

With those encouraging words, I took off at a run. A few people were already ahead of me so I took an alternate path. The first obstacle I came across had a sign that read “YAK TRAP” I wondered aloud, “What’s a Yak Trap?”

Mr. T: “Now ain’t no time to ask questions chump. Pick up those knees. Faster Chump! Faster!”

Sprinting the remaining few feet, I ran into the trap; and to my absolute horror, I saw this man.

Click here for a glimpse of what I saw. Warning the following may make you violently ill. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x20v9F-sWHQ

After he finished, Hooked on a Feeling. He saw me and said, "You are just in time for my final number. I call it…Yakety yak (don't talk back).”

I released a blood curdling scream and picked up my knees so high, I almost broke my nose!

Well…After that harrowing experience, I didn’t want to take a chance with the tiger traps. So, I ran like I was running from an old mistress waving a pregnancy test. In fact, I ran through the traps so quickly, I didn’t realize until it was too late that I had ran directly into quicksand. Fortunately, I was able to use my powers and float out of it. On the down side, my ear piece was toast. I could still hear the stray shouts of “Chump! Fool! Choke you with my Chains!” I knew the earpiece was useless, so I just chucked it and ran toward the rapids.

I will not take a lot of time trying to explain the rapids…The short version. Yes. I fell in the water. It could happen to anyone. As a side note, did you guys know that rapids have such a strong current, that they can actually pull your clothes off? Anyway, I made it out of the rapids ok. The good news is it cleaned all the quicksand off of me; and I found my shorts. Well…Moving on…

The next obstacle was the swinging blades. The machine was built with a series of blades and then one swinging punching bag. I wished my earpiece was still working. I needed a strategy. The blades and bags appeared to be swinging to a one, two beat. (A rhythm if you will…) I know a lot about rhythm. The punching bags were also swinging out further than the blades. I decided I would count one-two, run past the blades, pause while the punching bags were swinging out for two beats and then run past the next set of blades. (Complicated. I know. Try living it.)

Anyway, my plan worked past the first punching bag and the first two sets of blades, but on the next punching bag, it was as if someone had grabbed and pushed the bag toward me. (SABATOGE! I knew Hot Wheels was behind this. He did it with that mind thing!)

The laughs on him though. I saw it coming so I jumped onto the bag when it swung toward me; and then the blasted thing started swinging faster and higher. D@#$ you Hot Wheels! At this point, I searched through the crowd. I needed help. I couldn’t just fly off the thing with blades swinging everywhere. Then I saw Mr. T. in the crowd. He had moved closer after my earpiece had went out. I opened my mouth to call for help but the only thing that came out was. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

As I swung toward Mr. T, I heard him ask, “What did you say chump?!”

I said, “AAAAAHHHHHH Aaaaaahhhhh……………………hhhhaaaaAAA AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

“Stop your whining Chump! What are you? Emo?!”

Well that did it. When I finish this challenge, I’m kicking Mr. T’s @#$. I jumped off the bag onto the platform, finished running through the blades, and I didn’t even pause when I got to the green slime. I ran through the slime so fast, that it splashed into the crowd and onto the flame throwers thereby extinguishing the flames.

When I came to the finish line, I apologized to Jon. “Sorry about the flame throwers. I don’t think the damage is permanent.” I didn’t get a chance to hear Jon’s reply because Mr. T. showed up. I was prepared to fight him over that emo remark, but since he was covered in green slime, I thought I would schedule him for a beat down some other day.

“Petrelli!! You Chump! I pity the fool who gets slime on me!!!”

Well, I could tell you more, but I have to run for my life now. AAAAHHHHH!

Alright let's do this!!

2007-05-14T21:08:00.000-05:00

So I gotta do an obstacle course eh? There's no way that this can be Half as bad as Robin's Too bad stupid Hudson woke me up ,and made me do this challenge before I got breakfast! What's his problem?

Oh yeah. Bizarro Supergirl, heh. Well any way this was easy. The flame throwers would have been a problem for me a few years back, but not anymore. Oh and Ma Kent sent me this made from blankets left over from Super girl's space ship it's kryptonian and invulnerable sweet!

I mean have you seen what my cousin wears? Not much so there's was plenty of material left for me a costume. OK Enough of that the swinging blades bounced off my head. The quick sand? I can fly no problemo. Then this weird dude pops up.

" Hey boyo! Ya can't get my me Lucky Trinkets! They are mystically tasty!"

I stare at this guy for a second. " Sorry guy ya ain't my type."

" What? I'm talkin' about breakfast cereal ya bleedin' idiot!" The leprechaun sneers.

" Why didn't ya say so?" I yell. " Are you part of the challenge?"

" Sure whatever." He starts dancing around with a box, and gallon of milk. " ya can't get it!"

I fly after him, and the freak disappears he does this several times before I hear a "Kthwang!" I find him trapped in one of those rope traps that grabs your legs and hangs you upside down.

" Hey Boyo can ye help me out here? my power dannae seem to be workin'. "

I smile. " Well now that is a problem isn't it? Just not mine. I'm an idiot remember? me too dumb to help Hyuk! " I poured the milk into the box, and ate it half the time going "Mmmm yum marshmellowy." After I ate it all I went back to the course. Oh yeah? ya know what I found out about him? he wasn't a leprechaun, he was an escaped alien mental patient.

So next was slide O' slime, I don't know what everyone was worried about. It tastes like chocolate cream pie, and there's girls in it!

They wrestled me, and didn't want me to leave. So I had to drag several hotties with me across the finish line. After that We went to the hot tub, and well What happens on Hacknor stays on Hacknor.

Slide O’ Slime

2007-05-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

An obstacle course? Pleaseeeeeeeee! You think a Jedi can’t handle that? Jedi training is more than just using the force and learning to use a saber. For Force sake, we have Sarlacc pit in the basement areas! We have to walk it on a tight rope! Many a good Padawan was lost that way.

I took a moment to meditate before going through the gate. I reached out and sensed everything before me. Traps, no problem, flamethrowers, a joke, wild water, yes! And then… slime? A slide of slime? ACK!

I pushed the thought of it away.

The traps were super easy. I could sense them before I reached them. So I avoided those. Loved the quicksand, I jumped right over it. And as for the flamethrowers, my lightsaber ate those blasts like candy. The whole course was easy until…

I got to the slide o’ slime. I froze. I stood on the platform over it and stared down at it. It was green, bubbled and it smelt like Jaba Hutt’s bathroom and looked just as nasty. I wrinkled my nose. I had to slide down this to get out?

There are some things a Jedi Knight should never have to do.

Slides of slime are high up on the list.

“You better move it,” a voice in my head told me.

“Shut up, bucket brain,” I muttered.

“Just imagine you are a Georgia Swamp chicken and go!” he snorted in my head.

A what????

After a shiver of disgust I did. I slide down, slime hitting my face, going up my nose! So gross! I’ll never get it out my nose, I swear! I bounced, almost rolled over on my sides a few times. There was something in the slime… I don’t know what it was but it dark green and stuck to me as I slogged through it.

At the bottom, my feet hit a rock and flipped up in the air. I came down face first in the slime! It went up my nose, in my mouth, in my ears! I jumped up and screamed, “EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!”

“Slam dunk!” a small kid-like voice said in my head, laughing.

“Slime dunk, you mean,” said bucket head.

I really hate those two right now.

I went green. No pun intended. Maybe I should say, greener…

I lost my lunch.

That was green, too.

Excuse me; I need to go shower…again.

Bloodsucking termites

2007-05-14T00:22:00.000-05:00

The debacle of Hacknor city was over, thank the stars. After a few asprins, a com call from Pho on the update of the betting pool( don't ask) and a nap.. I was feeling much better..

That was until we got the next challange that is

An obsticle course? Pfft I've had more diffucult challanges when I was a kid!.. I'd probably have need of a hot bath and a drink once this was over.. but this one was the best we'd gotten yet. I was still hoping for something like the arenas on Tatooine with the gladiators but I digress.

Soon as the whistle blew everyone took off at once trying to pick their path. I just went straight. Razor wire with an electric current? No prob. I was under that and out in a few seconds.. Try having the wire laden with scorpions, tarantulas, cobras and every other venomous creature you can think of. Been there done that got the postcard.

Next up was a series of swinging pendulum axes with beams in between to balance on. Now this was more like it. I jumped for the first, balance shaking slightly as I got a feel for how wide I could balance on these things. A force jump carried me to the second. Third I had to do a handstand. I almost lost my balance there.. that was when the hissing caught my attention.. Oh great, Tatooine Viper snakes.. Some of the most dangerous snakes in the galaxy.

If I fell I was snake meat, and add to that, Pho would bring me back just to kill me again.

That's worse than getting killed by snakes.

One huge jump brought me over the last two blades and almost into a trench. The dirt was crumbling underneath my fingers as I scraped for a handhold.. To make matters worse the trench was muddy, so that made the going even harder. I found a small handhold and scrambled up . I was on my hands and knees for a moment, panting harshly.

This was the first time I had not merged with the dragon and it was proving that I needed to train more. I was getting rusty.

I heard the flamethrower before I felt the flames. I threw myself out of the way and right into the path of a river. I went under hand grasping on empty air. there was a board with two rope handles that I could see turned every twenty two seconds to the opposite bank . The end was in sight, I could see the others waiting at the end of the finish line. I grabbed onto the rope handles and waited, arms burning from the strain.

I could hear her in my head talking, pulling the pain from my head That's it.. Relax hon.. The pain isn't there.. The end is in sight. There's a surprise waiting for you back at the barracks.. hurry home love.. Be safe

The pain gone I leapt for the opposite bank . there were only about three more things left.. That I could sense.

I took a step and twigs snapped under me, branches giving way. I sprang up into one of the trees just in time to see the netting over the tiger trap give and three huge tigers and one panther prowled the pit waiting for me. " Sorry guys, you'll have to find your lunch elsewhere.. I've got a course to finish!"

I jumped to the ground and realized what a mistake I had made.. My boots squelched as I began sinking into the quicksand. I knew better than to move right off and i looked around to see what I had to work with.. Two planks of cypress wood and a vine... Well that'd do.

Calling the planks and the vine to my hands with the force I tied the planks together. using the boards as a fulcrum I planted them deep in the ground and used it to yank myself up with a little burst of energy from the dragon. I realized I had used the wings without realizing it. Shrugging it off I ran onto the next trap, jumped clean over it and kept running with an ease that'd make any track star jealous.

I climbed the ladder in front of me and nearly threw up.. A giant slide of green slime.. good grief.. this was the last one? Well they sure save the worst for last don't they? I stood there for a minute looking at the sludge. I could smell napalm, gasoline and green jello.. What in the galaxies?

What Phobia said to me earlier steeled what little resolve I had. At least I thought to keep linen in my belt.. After using a little of it to plug my ears and nose, I took a deep breath ; and dropped.

I could hear it squelching and slugging under me, like a witch’s brew bubbling in a cauldron. There were some creepy things in it .. When I saw what they were.. I flipped.. Corellian leeches!.. Oh good god.. .When I was little, I got lost in the swamps outside the city and I fell into a leech bog.. I was sick for weeks, red teeth marks all over me..

The slide couldn't end fast enough . Soon as I was up I was ripping them off of me , shivering and stomping them out in disgust. After getting a towel from.. Galaxy I don't know who because my glasses were covered in gunk, I went back to the barracks.

Sure enough there was a holo chip wrapped in a red silk box waiting on my bed. After getting out of the gunk filled clothes, I stretched out on my bed and hit the play button.

I know you're probably sore and very tried, but I'm missing you so terribly love.. So I decided to send you this message.. I hope this finds you in good spirits.. I love you Godfrey.. Come home safe, I'll be waiting...

Let me say this much.. This holo and the message made today's challenge worth it, every second..

For now I think I'll just relax and try to be ready for the next one.

Godfrey

Challenge #4

2007-05-13T21:49:00.000-05:00

Jon: Welcome contestants, this next challenge could conceivably be the most challenging yet. To give you your briefing, we’ve called in the heavy firepower. So without further ado, I give you Private Hudson.

Hudson: Atyennnnn-Hyut! Listen up, it’s time to get frosty. I am your senior drill instructor Private Hudson and you will listen to me good. Your daddies are not here and your mommies are not here for you, for this challenge I will be your daddy and your mommy. You! Suck in your gut!

(Petrelli sucks in his gut)

Hudson: Stick out your chest!

(Synth Lyn sticks out her chest)

Hudson: You! Stick out your chest, too.

(Dark Jedi Kriss sticks out her chest)

Hudson: Further!

(Dark Jedi Kriss grumbles and sticks out her chest further.

Hudson: You! Stand at attention!

Professor X: Ahem.

Hudson: Oh, uh. Gosh I’m sorry Professor, I forgot for a minute there. I guess you can just sit there at attention. Uh, or comfortably, sit comfortably. How are you feeling?

Godfrey Zebulon: Are you going to tell us our challenge?

Hudson: Atyennnn-hyut! You will only speak when spoken to!

Zebulon: You do realize that I outrank you, don’t you?

Hudson: Ulp! Ah, OK, here’s the challenge. Through that gate is the most dangerous obstacle course ever devised by the Colonial Marine Training and Doctrine Command, the CoMTrDoC. There are many paths to take, but each one is more dangerous than the last! (Well, not really, but that sounds cool when I say it, doesn’t it?). There are trenches, flame throwers, swinging blades, raging rivers, deadly quicksand, Malaysian tiger traps, Scandinavian yak traps, and a giant slide of green slime. You name it, it’s in there. In fact, very few Colonial Marines who go through that come out in one piece!

Kon-El: Pfft, that seems stupid, why put them through it if it’s just gonna hurt ‘em all?

(Hudson stands there dumbfounded for several minutes.)

Hudson: Because it’s training! This is how you become a motivated, dedicated, high speed low drag, super frosty, gung ho deadly killer part of the greatest team that this galaxy has ever laid its eyes on.

Professor X: The X-Men?

Henchman: Advanced Idea Mechanics?

Gyrobo: The Traveling Wilburys?

Hudson: No! The Colonial Marines!

Mr. Bennet: Hey, I understand motivation. One time, down at the mill I had to train three interns. I tell you, that was tough. Do you know most people don’t know the first thing about watermarking?

Hudson: Enough! Argh! Just go! Everyone run through the obstacle course so you can be just like a Colonial Marine.

Petrelli (muttering): Who’d want to be?

Gyrobo: Non sequitur!

Challenge #3: Judgement

2007-05-13T20:27:00.000-05:00

Good job Gladiators, you succesfully defended Hacknor City from all those evil, giant monsters while keeping the property damage down below several hundred million space dollars.

You all did very well, even the one who has to go home tonight.

Ha ha ha, I crack myself up.

Which contestant would be a little more comfortable with a can opener rather than a fighting robot power suit?

Svetlana Smith, you are not the Last Gladiator Standing, Goodbye.

Stay tuned for the next challenge.

Last Gladiator Standing II was brought to you in part by Sony Pantyhose.

Control your K-Zone with Sony brand Kuato Control Top Pantyhose.

Judgment #3

2007-05-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

Hello kiddos, here it is, the new judging for the new competition. This time I did it different then last time, (mainly because the boss man told me to.) This time I judged your whole team, and added up your points on my crack scoring system.

So… I am still going to comment on you all individually. Because, why shouldn’t I?

(Its late, and I’m tired, so I am not putting them in order of who posted first like I did last time.)

Here we go…

Dark Jedi K – To be totally honest, I thought it was hilarious. You really racked it up for your team. Congrats. Keep up the good work.

Godfrey Z – It was easy to follow. You’ve been improving, but you need to balance entertainment and easy-read.

Nathan P – Great post. (Simplicity for your judgment.)

Professor X – I enjoyed your post. It was good. Nothing bad, nothing extraordinary. Sometimes, that’s best.

Svetlana S – Once again your quality is up there. As with Professor, Nothing bad, nothing extraordinary.

Gy R - Sometimes I wake up, and I feel like talking like you do all day, just to see who throws me out of a closed sliding glass door first. Do not take that as an insult. I enjoy your work. You’re a very Chaotic writer, and God love you for it. It works for you.

Hench M – This was such a better post, and it made me smile, and it made me laugh a little. It is your best performance of the show.

Kon L– What? I was undeniably lost, the whole post.

Mr. B – Congrats. It was a great post.

Synth L – As with Prof and Svelt, nothing extraordinary, nothing bad.

And the team that managed to scrape up a winning…

The team that put two and two together and got something other than twenty two…

Team-O Supreme-O

Sorry Pokemybootie Team but you know the drill… Send the votes to Jon, or I will kill you.

For your own information… The victory was only by one point. So… If you want to blame anyone or thank anyone, thank/blame the number 1.

If you’ll excuse me, I am going to eat some roast giant monster,

XOXOXOXOXO
E to the A

Team-O Supremo: Licensed to Ill

2007-05-11T18:51:00.000-05:00

Team-O Supremo debriefs after defeating The Beastie Boys Robot and saving Hacknor City, thanks to their brilliant leader and poster of this team-authored post, Mr. Bennet....

I walk into the debriefing chambers and stare hard at my teammates. Synth-Lin patching up her arm. Kon-El washing motor oil off his face. Henchy trying on his new Henchman suit. Gyrobo doing cartwheels in a bathtub.

"Ahem!" I clear my throat loudly. Everyone takes their seats and prepare to be debriefed "Team-O Supremo....more like Team-O Retardo!"

"Hey!" responds Lin taking offense. "They prefer to be called mentally challenged."

"We won, didn't we?" complains Henchman.

"Yes," I reply. "We won. But we were sloppy! After forming into our Voltron, I asked you all to look at your displays for the flowchart I had prepared for the battle. But half-way through my presentation, The Beastie Boys sent us flying through skyscrapers with a Robot Guitar! You know what that tells me?"

"We lulled them into a false sense of security?" asks Kon

"We were getting our butts handed to us?" Grumps Henchy

"No! It tells me that not all of you were paying attention to the flowchart! And then Henchman takes off running like a mad man at the Beastie Boys, with no attack planned!"

"I'm just legs!" Henchman interjects.

"Whats a flowchart?" asks Lin

"That little incident resulted in losing our left arm, also known as Kon-El. While he was running around, dealing with remnants of the hump bot and trying not to be squished, we had to resort to using only right-arm attacks. And Gyrobo was asleep!"

"Hey Let's see how well ya concentrate with with a hump bot after your tail!" snaps the super clone. "And I'm guessin' Gyrobo Saw this from his time machine and went to sleep early in preparation of this snore fest!"

He was right. Asleep at his desk was Gyrobo. Odd for a robot, there was a pool of drool on the desk. I continued with my debrief.

"Finally he reattached and we somehow managed to win the battle. Luckily, I've got mission photographs so we can go over what exactly happened, analyze our weaknesses and strengths."

"First thing's first. Henchman, were you drinking??"

"There is nothing wrong with having a Duff." gripes the yellow clad one.

"We didn't remember our motivational poster, did we?" I ask rhetorically. Before Henchman could reply, I continue, "Look at it. Remember it! Be one Tetris Block. Gyrobo doesn't just draw these things for no reason whatsoever!"

"It confuses me," Kon says.

"And what's going on here? Shouldn't we be engaging in battle? Can anyone explain this?"

"My suit morphed into the giant robot's spleen, with the power to vent." says Gyrobo his words making bubbles in the drool. "I was about to vent the mustard gas. But Lin was all embarrassed by venting so we didn't."

"Yeah, its embarrassing for a girl to vent." says Lin in support of her fellow machine.

"Well, that makes sense," I say, going to the next slide, "Why a tennis racket? Whose idea was that?"

"Tennis the sport of kings and queens." Gyrobo uttered from his sleep. "You should have seen Freddie Mercury's fore-hand what a stoke player. Him and Elton John were great doubles partners."

"At least we won. But Kon-El....is that old man your grandpa? And what's Mr. Muggles doing here?"

"Well uh....yes. Ugh!" Sighs Kon. "Why does he have always have to show up, snappin' pictures? Well it could have been worse it could have been ma Ken.... I mean grandma. She'd have been spitting in a handkerchief and wiping dirt off our faces. As for Mr. Muggles? Uh, every team needs a cute fuzzy mascot?"

I was about to continue when Lin put her hand up.

"Ooo ooo Mr Kottah." she pleads.

"You have a question Lin?" I ask her. I was hoping for her to make some kind of sense. Of course sometimes hope isn't enough.

"If this is supposed to be Top Gun debriefing and I'm Goose and Henchy is Maverick...."

"...That makes you the lady instructor. Doesn't it?" Then she begins humming Take my Breath away.

"I don't care for your juxtaposition!" I say, "We must debrief! There is no time for nonsense." On a side note, I will say that I am comfortable with my masculinity. But you know....Gyrobo was the one with the Freddie Mercury reference...so...just pointin' that out.

"Does that make me Iceman then?" asks Kon.

"Well, it's better than being a test tube baby." replies Henchy.

"For a guy dressed in yellow you sure talk tough." snaps back Kon.

"SILENCE!" I shout. "Its squabbling like this that caused the trainwreck that was the last challenge. We are supposed to be Gladiators here and we almost got beat by three white middle aged rappers. What does that tell you?"

Henchy yells at Kon-El, "Please, I'll beat you like you owe me money."

"Wanna bet?" replies Kon raising his fists.

Mr. Bennet throws his arms up, "Gah!"

After the fight, Henchman and Mr. Bennet head back to the barracks....

Great Robotic Suit of Western Beirut!

2007-05-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

“This suit smells like this diner I went to two years ago and refused to go back to because it was filthy,” I whined. Then I spritzed my face with a That 70’s Show brand water-bottle and squeegeed it dry. Curse this Hacknorian heatwave!

“You can either blame the heatwave and move on with your life,” the laundromat owner said as if reading my thoughts, “or I can clean it again for double the fee.”

“Hey...” Turning the suit over, I pointed to a large dark red spot on the leg. “Your sign says you take care of things like this. How am I supposed to fight a bunch of Japanese people with filthy clothes?”

She gave me a funny look. “The T.V. ad said that you guys were fighting Japanese movie monsters this week.”

“Really?” I looked her over. She seemed honest, being overweight and all. The more someone weighs, the more honesty they can hold. It’s something I learned during my time at Weight Watchers... those skinny, skinny propagandists...

She looked shocked. “You thought you were supposed to fight Japanese people? With a robotic suit?”

“Yeah... I even called up my friend Alan to see if he’d take a dive on this one...”

“You- you honestly didn’t know what the challenge was about?”

“Well obviously I didn’t, or I wouldn’t have steam-cleaned a robotic suit! And if you knew, why didn’t you tell me before you ironed it?!”

“I’ve got my money on Team Pokemybootie,” she shrugged.

***

“No, no... what, you saw the ad too?! Am I the only one who-” I dodged as a dumpster crashed into the tree five feet from me, shattering the trunk and spraying the road with garbage. “Alan, I’m going to have to get back to you. Tell Seamus I said hello.”

Normally, clicking the “end” button would only shut off a phone, but I wasn’t using a mere phone here. I pressed the red-studded “End Call” button and the cellular mobile telephonic devicicle almost instantly retracted into my robotic armor. Sweet Fly of Versailles! It still worked, despite the stringent laundering!

“That’s a lot of monsters.”

Tens- no, dozens of colorful creatures both big and gigantic lumbered through the streets. Their papier-mâché faces and claws... completely, indescribably incredible. Words alone cannot express the full scope of their kitschy hideousness.

“I’ve got to stop them or they might find a bus of nuns and attack it!”

Exhaling slowly, I gripped my ultra-belt. Time to see if all that dry cleaning didn’t wash away the magic!

The visual monitor over my left eye indicated nominal power output with increasing potential, but I didn’t feel any happier or more fulfilled. “Hey, monsters! Prepare to feel the awesome might of my robotic arm-”

Before I could tell the monsters of my impending attack and give them enough time to adequately defend themselves, the power indicator turned red and my arm sheaths began vibrating wildly. Sweet Reindeer of Zaire!

“Um... can I get a little help here?!” The monsters, as if sensing my predicament, went about their pillaging. “Ingrates! My tax money payed for your education!”

Think, you handsome devil! How can you break free and save the day yet again?

Suddenly, the immortal words of Bing Crosby popped into my head: “if you’re ever in a vibrating robotic suit gone amok, don’t move or you could explode. Instead-”

“Hey, a penny! Hyuck hyuck!” Bending down to pick up the shiny coin, I heard a weird crunching sound and my knees locked in place. Then with a snap, the lower back plating cracked open and sparks shot off the exposed wires. “Electric Eel of Bastille! I’m gonna lose my deposit!”

Breaking the stuck leggular latches, I ran headlong toward the monster mash as the flames quickly engulfed my suit. “I need some salve! Salve and moxie!”

Now, as any first-year marine biologist can tell you, papier-mâché and electrical fire doesn’t mix very well. Scorching streams of searing smoke spread swiftly, sending the monsters into a fire-induced frenzy. The property damage was great by the time the flames subsided, but I’m pretty confident that Hacknor’s economy will be able to take one for the team. Still, they’ve been teetering on the edge of a recession since Administrator Landen and his crackpot “Dimes for Nickels” scheme...

“That’s so refreshing,” I gushed as a nearby firefighter sprayed me with flame retardant foam. “I feel a hundred times more retardant!”

“You also look more retardant, too.”

I froze, and almost snapped the firefighter in half for attempting ventriloquism before I realized the sound was coming from my suit’s cellular mobile telephonic devicicle. “Who goes thar?”

“This is the fantastic Mister Bennet. I regret to inform you that your paper reams will be a tad late this week-”

“Just a tad?”

“Just a tad. Unless...”

“Unless?”

“Our team needs you and your robotic suit to morph into a single giant robot and defeat-”

“Can you hold on? I really shouldn’t be discussing this over an open line.”

“Certainly.”

*click*

I held a Dixie™ Cup with a taut string attached to it up to my mouth.

“Just tell me where and when.”

Mission Three

2007-05-11T01:54:00.000-05:00

Oh, no!

"Mr. Bennet," Synth-Lin called out, "You're the team leader, you can't be hiding."

"What? Why am I the leader?"

"You've got manager experience. And all the rest of the archetypes are taken."

"Do I have to be an archetype?"

"Yes, haven't you ever seen Power Rangers?"

She had a point. There was no cuttin' and runnin' here. The team was looking to me to lead them to victory, I couldn't let them down. I'd have to stand tall, be brave and fight off these monster-like monsters!

"Quick, put this on!" She yelled and threw me a bag. I pulled out my uniform and changed in a flash.

I was ready to take on anything.

"Cool gun."

"You are absolutely pathetic. Even President Bush is a better leader than you."

What?? Who could it be? I turned around to see my opponent. It seemed each of us had a monster-like monster to fight. And mine was the most vicious of all.

"You swim worse than an anvil."

Voltron Simon!

"You and your god-awful glasses will be destroyed!" He chirped.

"I am rubber you are glue!" I said. I fired my gun at him, but it was no use. Only my robotic suit would even the odds. "Suit!" I called. The ground shook, somewhere in the Nevada desert, a cave opened and my robotic suit came running out. A mere seven and a half minutes later, it arrived at Hacknor City!

"Does this suit me?"

"Oh, please, you have to be joking," Voltron Simon said, "Surely you don't think that will work against me?" He fired two missiles from his torso.

The missiles were flying right at me. I had to act quick. Luckily, a large pen and a pencil were resting inside my suit's shirt pocket. I hurled the writing utensils at the missiles and they prematurely exploded. "Looks like you didn't calculate your trajectory correctly. Perhaps you can borrow this!"

I pulled a Voltronish calculator out and hurled it at Voltron Simon. It spun quickly as it flew through the air. The corner hit Voltron Simon's right kneecap. "Ha! You throw like a constipated obese woman!"

"Oh, yeah?" Thinking quickly, I pulled out a sticky note with a dentist appointment reminder for March 12th. "Eat adhesive notation!" I threw the Post-It at him.

"Your competence is as flat as that worthless object you call a weapon!" He lifted his Voltron arms up and Clay Aiken arose from the ground.

Aiken leaped into the air and tore the sticky note in half. As he gracefully landed, I quickly pulled a black binder clip and attached it to his girlish head. The pressure was too much, and his head splattered.

"You remind me of a popcorn kernel I once got wedged between two molars. Except it had class."

I slung several thumbtacks at him. But he lifted his arms up again and Ruben Studdard rose up to block them. Not one managed to escape his gravitation pull.

"You're running out of Idols, Simon." I said.

"You're running out of hair."

This could go on forever. I had to bring out the big guns. Yes, none other than the Protractor of Doom! I pulled the angle-measuring tool from my pocket and flung it at the evil-doer.

"How obtuse," he said. Voltron Simon jumped out of the way, just as I had planned. The protractor ricocheted off a plexiglass window and came back on him from behind. It severed his head. The Voltron body sunk into the ocean. The head, however, shot off into space. Simon Cowell had escaped!

"Curse you, Bennet!

"Team-O Supremo, es la tiempo para combino!" I yelled, sounding like a Gringo.

Henchy, "Roger that!"

Kon-El, "Yay!"

Gyrobo, "Rice Krispies!"

Where was Synth-Lin? Did she not hear the call? "Lin! Are you there? Have you vanquished your foe yet?"

"I'm finished!"

"Then let's do this!" my robotic suit transformed into a Voltron head and leaped up into the air. I expect everyone else's did something similar.

I called out, "Head!"

Synth, "Torso!"

Henchman, "Legs!"

Kon-El, "Left Arm!"

Gyrobo, "The other one!"

"By these parts combined, I am Capitan Voltron!"

Captain Voltron, he's our hero.
Gonna kick The Beastie Boys in their A-hole.